Completely MIA

Well, it's been a while... But I'm excited to finally have the time to spill on this page again. There's been a few things on my heart these last few weeks. Some things that i couldn't quite seems to walk away from. It took me some time, but i wound up here. Ready to lay my heart out for whoever is willing to read it. 

The first thing:
I think we (as women in general) are always under a lot of pressure. But specifically, the pressure to be "okay" all the time. And not just "okay" but perfect. And even, fabulous. As a Christian woman, I feel that pressure sometimes even triples. If you're a Christian, perhaps you feel it too. 
Every woman that walks and breathes the air on this earth feels the pressure to be perfect. Physically, emotionally, mentally... you name it.
Through subliminal and not-so-subliminal messages that scream at us through all kinds of media all day every day, every woman is told we must be perfect to be loved.  Physically, we must look perfect. Airbrushed images of unrealistic ideals are the rude examples that are forced onto us, our little girls, our culture and the men in our lives - of how we must look in order to be acceptable, to be beautiful. 
To always be up, happy, peppy, and OK. 
To be emotionally sound. To not cry or be depressed or sad. 
As women, we sometimes feel like it's not OK to not be OK. Like somehow it's wrong or it's not Godly.Like we feel it's not OK to admit - 
I'm depressed.I feel hopeless.I am hurt.I feel alone.I don't know where the Lord is in this.And even...I feel angry. 
I wish we could just realize that it's OK to not be OK. That it's OK to admit - "Yes, I am a hot mess today. And maybe tomorrow too." And to really love each other through it. To realize that we (and our sisters and brothers around us) are all walking through heartaches others cannot see, and things others do not know. I often remind myself - I don't know what's going on behind closed doors in that person's life. I wish we would love first, instead of judge. 
I wish we could walk up to each other and say, "Hey! How are you? And instead of just blurting out a fake,"Great thanks!" We could actually be OK with hearing and saying, "Honestly, today I am not OK." And be OK with that. I'm sick of the fake-ness all around me. The fake smiles and fake words. 
Let's be real. We are real women. Real girls. And we need to start owning that. Even if it makes us different from the world, even if we feel silly or not enough, or ugly or flawed. Because real life is not airbrushed. And if we're honest about it, sometimes real life isn't pretty at all.
You are not a plastic Barbie doll. You are a real, flesh and blood woman. You are not too much. You are always enough. No matter what you do. No matter what you don't do. You are beautiful on the inside and the out, because God made you and He said it was good. Your worth does not lie in how you look. So forget about that acne, sagging skin, frizzy hair, bags under your eyes, or if you feel "fat." You are precious. You are worth more than gold. And your body does not determine that worth. EVER. Jesus calls you His. He is enough. You are very loved, And you are real.  Be real. Be you. Don't be fake. And if you're not OK?  You can tell me. Cause sometimes, I'm not OK either. And that's alright.

The second thing: 
The saying "You can preach a better sermon with your life than with your lips" is most definitely true. 
So many times people get caught up in the rules and religiousness of Christianity and forget how important the love part is. In Mark chapter 12, one of the teachers of the law asked Jesus what the most important commandment was. He answered, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.”
According to Jesus Christ, the two most important rules revolve around love. The first, to love God with your entire being. The second, to love the people living on this earth with you. 
Jesus didn't answer to never sin or to judge the people who do. Jesus knew that we would fail and that's why he died on the cross. Its not our place to judge the people around us for their sins, or to treat them in a way that's unchristlike. He calls us to LOVE THEM. Has there ever been a time when you judged, rudely called someone out, our gossiped about their sin... and it brought them to Christ? I'm just as guilty here as you are, because we ARE sinners. Just like those people we judge and ridicule. But that's not how God calls us to treat our neighbors. God calls us ultimately to love. Love as our lifestyle. Love genuinely and so deeply it may hurt sometimes. And if we do that, everything else will fall into place. THAT is how you bring someone to Christ. 

The things I've learned these past 5 months:

• You never know the sunny mountains you're gonna climb and dark valleys you will face until you face them.
• You will make mistakes, there are people who will hurt you, and things that will break your heart. I suppose, though, this is what will make you stronger.
• It's okay to cry. Cry it out. But don't dwell on any pain, because the Lord Jesus is going to take your pain and make it into something beautiful. 
• Forgive the people who hurt you in the Lord's name, and don't blame it on him....it's them who hurt you (and the Lord too.)
• Hug your family and tell them you love them every chance you can. 
• People tend to have intentions in their actions. Not always! Don't assume the worst of people! But be aware, don't let people take advantage of your heart. 
• Don't make big decisions when you're sleep deprived, emotional, or heart broken. it's okay to take time to rest, heal, think. 
• Even though you don't think you will ever move on from him, you will.
• Don't try to please everybody because you're afraid of losing them. You'll lose many of them anyway, and you'll wish you had stayed true to yourself.
• You're gonna make some big mistakes, fall flat on your face, and people you loved won't understand you. Run to Jesus. 
• Don't take your sister for granted. Love her. She's your best friend.
• Take the risk.
• Pain never lasts as long as you think it will if you look for the light. 
• Be there for your friends. show up. ask them how you can serve and help them. don't be so selfish.
• Sometimes, it's okay to say "no."
• Do your homework. All of it. On time. Stop messing around!
• Quit that starbucks addiction. Its overpriced and overrated. 
• Don't rush things. You have time. You're just a baby. You're only 16.

Romans 8

The early Christians endured persecution, hardships and unbelievable suffering. Yet Paul wrote to them:

Who then can ever keep Christ's love from us? When we have trouble or calamity, when we are hunted down or destroyed, is it because He doesn't love us anymore? And if we are hungry, or penniless, or in danger, or threatened with death, has God deserted us? No, for the Scriptures tell us that for his sake we must be ready to face death at every moment of the day -- we are like sheep awaiting slaughter; but despite all this overwhelming victory is ours though Christ who loved us enough to die for us.

For I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from his love. Death can't, and life can't. The angels won't, and all the powers of hell itself cannot keep Gods' love away. Our fears for today, or worries about tomorrow or where we are -- high above the sky, or in the deepest ocean -- nothing will ever be able to separate us from the love of God demonstrated by our Lord Jesus Christ when He died for us.

Such love is beyond our ability to grasp with our minds, but it is not beyond our ability to experience with our hearts.

The Power Of Vulnerability

Brene Brown on vulnerability:

Lord, empty me of myself so i can be filled with You.
Rid me of my shame and guilt of past mistakes, you have removed my sins as far as the east is from the west.
Rid me of the doubts and questions of what if, your plans are for my good and Your glory.
Rid me of the anger and bitterness i've carried for far too long, renew my thoughts and attitude.
Take my life and mold me into a shining light for You in this dark world.
May my life, thoughts, words, and actions reflect Your redeeming love and abundant grace.
Your grace... oh, the grace that overwhelms me, covers me, humbles me. Grace that is greater than all my sin.
Though i stumble, You hold me.
You call me your beloved and nothing can separate me from Your love.
You alone satisfy my soul.

The Grand Canyon

Never have I felt as simultaneously small and absolutely gigantic as I did standing here. I remember looking from one side of the canyon to the other, over and over again. Thinking about how vast the sky stretched, and how far i could gaze down and still not see the bottom of the canyon. I was overwhelmed. I just sat there at the edge of the cliff, i could feel the beauty in my veins.

While I was sitting there, I couldn't help but think of psalm 36, which reads: "Your love, Lord, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies. Your righteousness is like the highest mountains, your justice like the great deep."

And suddenly the colorful rocks, the clouds, the sun, the seemingly endless cliff I was sitting on, and the parade of color in the sky became even more

Overwhelming.

Astounding.

Paralyzing. 

Vast. 

I looked at the sun and I saw God. 

I looked at the clouds and I saw God.

I looked at the rocks and I saw God.

I saw His love, His faithfulness, His righteousness, and His justice.

His almighty, awesome power shining through the sky onto everything below.

I felt tiny.

I felt huge.

I felt loved. 

"She Did All She Could."

The other day, as i was going through a box of old things in my closet, I found one of my old Bibles.
My very first one actually. The leather's pink and a little torn, 
Anna Marie Lang engraved in silver letters on the front. 
As I opened it up and leafed thorough it's old pages, I found a bookmark.

It read, "She did all she could." -Mark 14:8.

You see, she is someone I want to be like.

She knew Jesus. And her story is in the Bible. It's one of my very favorites. 
When Jesus was in a place called Bethany, as He sat the table in the home of his friend, she came in. 
She held in her hands an alabaster jar of very expensive perfume, made of pure nard.
She broke the jar. And she poured the perfume out of the jar onto Jesus' head.

People began whispering. Indignantly, they said to one another, 
"Why this waste of perfume? 
It could have been sold for more than a year's wages 
and the money given to the poor."

They judged her. 
They looked down on her. 
They rebuked her. 
Harshly.

But Jesus looked up at them, and he said, "Leave her alone."

He defended her.

He said, "She has done a beautiful thing to me."

"The poor you will always have with you, 
and you can help them anytime you want. 
But you will not always have me.
She did all she could."

He continued to explain. 
He told them she poured perfume on His body, 
preparing Him for his coming death and burial... 
something only He knew would soon occur. 
He said that wherever the Gospel would be preached, 
her story would be told.. 
through all the world, through all the years to come.

(Based upon Mark 14:1-9)

She was a woman who knew Jesus, and I want to be like her. 
Her story moves me.

She understood something no one else in that room did. 
What she did was sacred, special, and precious. 
Jesus knew that. But the people in the room? They didn't "get it."
But she didn't care. As an act of worship, she anointed Jesus with something precious.

I love her faith. 
Her bravery. 
Her passion for Jesus. 
And how she didn't care what anyone said or thought. 
Just Him.

We don't know much about her. We don't know where she got that perfume, where she lived, or how she possessed the expensive oil. But we do know she possessed something valuable, costly, precious. The perfume was worth much, to her, and even to an onlooker.

I love this story, because I can relate with it. No, I don't own bottles of costly perfume, but because my life and my heart, and your life and your heart, are worth much. And we alone choose and decide how to spend our lives and where to give our hearts.

Like the woman in this story, I chose long ago to give my life, my heart, my time, my love, my worship - to Him. No matter the cost. And I want to continue to do that. 

By giving my life to Him, I'm saying "no" to all else. 
Pouring it out like a costly perfume, 
on His head, 
in worship. 
Trusting Him,
giving my all. 
Because it belongs to Him anyway. 
And because He is the love of my life.

I'm not claiming to be perfect. 

I'm not saying that i don't fall short.
I get lost.
I fail him.
Every day.

But the beauty of His grace is that he continually takes me back,
no matter my shortcomings.
No matter what I've said or done.
Hallelujah. 

Tomorrow I'm a year older.
So I choose to give Him this year,
and the rest of my years. 
The rest of this decade,
every decade after, 
every year He may give me. 

I don't wanna keep it bottled up. 
I choose to pour it out on Him. 
In reckless, passionate worship.

Like a bottle of Chanel no. 5, poured out. 
Wasted, to some it seems. 
Like this woman, 
who poured it out
despite haters, 
despite what anyone thought.
All she saw was Him.

What are you doing with your costly perfume?
Your life? 
Your heart?

My prayer as the clock strikes midnight 
and I open a new chapter of life, 
thankful for a new year, is this:

That I may, in reckless and passionate abandon, 
pour out every last drop of my costly perfume 
as worship to Him. And that someday, just maybe, 
He will say of me -

"She did all she could."

May we, through His grace, pour it all out for Him.

Fullness of heart.

I've been waiting for inspiration to spark my soul before writing again.
The fullness in my life has left little room to write deeply and passionately as I so often do here.
For this, I am grateful.
I've seen a dramatic shift in my personality lately.
I'm much more reserved than I was just months ago.
I used to be so bold in my words, especially in person.
Now, I think on a much deeper level before opening my mouth to my heart's words.
In no way is this change affecting me negatively- it's just a new set of skin I haven't grown into yet.
I can feel a dramatic change in my soul.
A more mature version of the emotional self that I will always be- is developing
In place of the old naive girl I was, I am becoming a powerhouse of words with deep meaning.
No extra stuff.
I found that I used to talk to hear my voice.
Now, internalizing my words and speaking before I touch people- I have been able to dramatically alter my view on things.
If I was always talking, I never had a chance to grow in situations.
With my ears and heart open to the world- I am learning in ways I didn't know were possible.
I feel that same sensitivity.
That same raw emotion...
Just older.
More substance, less child.
It's a good change.

You are loved

She put on the blue and white ruffled Cinderella dress and her dimpled cheeks burst into a smile. Her bright eyes danced as she happily squealed and spun around in a circle. The 3 year old little doll beamed with delight as she spun around the house and giggled at the very idea of being a princess. As she smiled and twirled, I spun her around in a circle. I realized that her delight in being a beautiful princess was the very same desire in my heart, and in yours. Women, even at the youngest of ages, have within them an innate longing to be special, beautiful, and loved.

In the last year, the Lord has taken me through a season in my life where I've lost a lot of things I found my identity in. All my life, I held onto certain things that made me "Anna." Then suddenly... things took a different turn than I had planned or anticipated. Not just a few things. ALL of the things. All of the things that made me ME (in my eyes) were dropping out of my life, one by one... like flies. It was similar to the sensation of cupping sand in your hands and feeling it slowly, but ever so surely, run out. And you can do nothing but watch.

And suddenly there I stood... just me. I was no longer Anna the best friend, or Anna the girly girl. I wasn't nearly as confident and my interests completely changed. I was lonely and tired and it scared me. I felt panicked at the thought, honestly. A million questions swirled around in my mind in the dark of night as I lay in my bed. I felt like I was losing it. And all the while, the Lord was whispering...

"I love you, I made you. You are MINE."

And in this season, He's taught me something.
Something that made the loneliness worth it. The loss worth it. The pain oh so worth it.

He showed me that I am not defined or made valuable by what I do or things I have.
My worth lies in one thing and one thing alone: I am extravagantly loved by God.

Always remember that you are not just the things you do, the clothes you wear, the job you have.
You are worth much more.
ALL of who you are.
And He loves every part of you.

The woman you are on the outside...
How people see you. Strangers you pass by, your colleagues. The blonde, brunette. The one with pretty eyes. The nurse, the secretary, the teacher, the student. Athletic. Homeschooler. Singer. Tall. Short. Pretty. Cute.

The woman your friends know...
A deeper part of you, but certainly not the whole you. The one with that fabulous smile. The really good listener. The faithful friend. The hard worker. The one who has money. The fabulous party thrower. The one who's always late. The coffee drinker.

The woman your brother, sister, and your best friend know. The one your mom knows...
The dreamer. The over-achiever. the shy one. the pushover. the doubter. the avoider. the leader. the bossy one. the flirt. the closet writer. the extrovert. the disorganized disaster. the insecure one.

And then, there is that secret part of you.... the part no one knows.
No one...but you and God.
The abused little girl. the broken-hearted one. The one who wants to run away.
Your worst fear, the one you're afraid to even utter. The way he used you so unfairly. The way you hate your body.
The people who judge you...but they have no clue what you've been through.
The anger that boils your blood over what he did. The eating disorder that has terrorized you for as long as you can remember. The secret thing you did, the awful thing...you wish you could forget.
The regret you have over that one choice. That one decision that changed everything. The hurt so deep, the words spoken, the accusations made...that haunt you. The secret wish you made when you blew out that candle on your last birthday... that was really a prayer for a better life.

The way you look. The way you feel. The fat days. The acne flare-ups. Even when you have no makeup on, when your hair is piled on top of your head.

He loves you.

Your insecurities about how you look in men's eyes. Your flabby abs. The bags under your eyes. The way you laugh. The way you feel out of place at parties. The mornings you sit and talk to Him, the prayers you pray. The craziest dreams you have. The ones you can't imagine actually coming true. The mistakes you made and cried over. The reasons your friends disowned you. The days you feel plain.

He loves you.
He loves all of who you are.

Don't listen to the lies anymore.
Those voices that do not speak truth.
The "You're ugly, you're worthless and no one will ever love you. You're not the type of girl the guys like. You're awkward. You're fat. You're boring. You have nothing good to say and your dreams will not come true."

Hear this: You are beautiful to Him.