Completely MIA

Well, it's been a while... But I'm excited to finally have the time to spill on this page again. There's been a few things on my heart these last few weeks. Some things that i couldn't quite seems to walk away from. It took me some time, but i wound up here. Ready to lay my heart out for whoever is willing to read it. 

The first thing:
I think we (as women in general) are always under a lot of pressure. But specifically, the pressure to be "okay" all the time. And not just "okay" but perfect. And even, fabulous. As a Christian woman, I feel that pressure sometimes even triples. If you're a Christian, perhaps you feel it too. 
Every woman that walks and breathes the air on this earth feels the pressure to be perfect. Physically, emotionally, mentally... you name it.
Through subliminal and not-so-subliminal messages that scream at us through all kinds of media all day every day, every woman is told we must be perfect to be loved.  Physically, we must look perfect. Airbrushed images of unrealistic ideals are the rude examples that are forced onto us, our little girls, our culture and the men in our lives - of how we must look in order to be acceptable, to be beautiful. 
To always be up, happy, peppy, and OK. 
To be emotionally sound. To not cry or be depressed or sad. 
As women, we sometimes feel like it's not OK to not be OK. Like somehow it's wrong or it's not Godly.Like we feel it's not OK to admit - 
I'm depressed.I feel hopeless.I am hurt.I feel alone.I don't know where the Lord is in this.And even...I feel angry. 
I wish we could just realize that it's OK to not be OK. That it's OK to admit - "Yes, I am a hot mess today. And maybe tomorrow too." And to really love each other through it. To realize that we (and our sisters and brothers around us) are all walking through heartaches others cannot see, and things others do not know. I often remind myself - I don't know what's going on behind closed doors in that person's life. I wish we would love first, instead of judge. 
I wish we could walk up to each other and say, "Hey! How are you? And instead of just blurting out a fake,"Great thanks!" We could actually be OK with hearing and saying, "Honestly, today I am not OK." And be OK with that. I'm sick of the fake-ness all around me. The fake smiles and fake words. 
Let's be real. We are real women. Real girls. And we need to start owning that. Even if it makes us different from the world, even if we feel silly or not enough, or ugly or flawed. Because real life is not airbrushed. And if we're honest about it, sometimes real life isn't pretty at all.
You are not a plastic Barbie doll. You are a real, flesh and blood woman. You are not too much. You are always enough. No matter what you do. No matter what you don't do. You are beautiful on the inside and the out, because God made you and He said it was good. Your worth does not lie in how you look. So forget about that acne, sagging skin, frizzy hair, bags under your eyes, or if you feel "fat." You are precious. You are worth more than gold. And your body does not determine that worth. EVER. Jesus calls you His. He is enough. You are very loved, And you are real.  Be real. Be you. Don't be fake. And if you're not OK?  You can tell me. Cause sometimes, I'm not OK either. And that's alright.

The second thing: 
The saying "You can preach a better sermon with your life than with your lips" is most definitely true. 
So many times people get caught up in the rules and religiousness of Christianity and forget how important the love part is. In Mark chapter 12, one of the teachers of the law asked Jesus what the most important commandment was. He answered, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.”
According to Jesus Christ, the two most important rules revolve around love. The first, to love God with your entire being. The second, to love the people living on this earth with you. 
Jesus didn't answer to never sin or to judge the people who do. Jesus knew that we would fail and that's why he died on the cross. Its not our place to judge the people around us for their sins, or to treat them in a way that's unchristlike. He calls us to LOVE THEM. Has there ever been a time when you judged, rudely called someone out, our gossiped about their sin... and it brought them to Christ? I'm just as guilty here as you are, because we ARE sinners. Just like those people we judge and ridicule. But that's not how God calls us to treat our neighbors. God calls us ultimately to love. Love as our lifestyle. Love genuinely and so deeply it may hurt sometimes. And if we do that, everything else will fall into place. THAT is how you bring someone to Christ. 

The things I've learned these past 5 months:

• You never know the sunny mountains you're gonna climb and dark valleys you will face until you face them.
• You will make mistakes, there are people who will hurt you, and things that will break your heart. I suppose, though, this is what will make you stronger.
• It's okay to cry. Cry it out. But don't dwell on any pain, because the Lord Jesus is going to take your pain and make it into something beautiful. 
• Forgive the people who hurt you in the Lord's name, and don't blame it on him....it's them who hurt you (and the Lord too.)
• Hug your family and tell them you love them every chance you can. 
• People tend to have intentions in their actions. Not always! Don't assume the worst of people! But be aware, don't let people take advantage of your heart. 
• Don't make big decisions when you're sleep deprived, emotional, or heart broken. it's okay to take time to rest, heal, think. 
• Even though you don't think you will ever move on from him, you will.
• Don't try to please everybody because you're afraid of losing them. You'll lose many of them anyway, and you'll wish you had stayed true to yourself.
• You're gonna make some big mistakes, fall flat on your face, and people you loved won't understand you. Run to Jesus. 
• Don't take your sister for granted. Love her. She's your best friend.
• Take the risk.
• Pain never lasts as long as you think it will if you look for the light. 
• Be there for your friends. show up. ask them how you can serve and help them. don't be so selfish.
• Sometimes, it's okay to say "no."
• Do your homework. All of it. On time. Stop messing around!
• Quit that starbucks addiction. Its overpriced and overrated. 
• Don't rush things. You have time. You're just a baby. You're only 16.

Romans 8

The early Christians endured persecution, hardships and unbelievable suffering. Yet Paul wrote to them:

Who then can ever keep Christ's love from us? When we have trouble or calamity, when we are hunted down or destroyed, is it because He doesn't love us anymore? And if we are hungry, or penniless, or in danger, or threatened with death, has God deserted us? No, for the Scriptures tell us that for his sake we must be ready to face death at every moment of the day -- we are like sheep awaiting slaughter; but despite all this overwhelming victory is ours though Christ who loved us enough to die for us.

For I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from his love. Death can't, and life can't. The angels won't, and all the powers of hell itself cannot keep Gods' love away. Our fears for today, or worries about tomorrow or where we are -- high above the sky, or in the deepest ocean -- nothing will ever be able to separate us from the love of God demonstrated by our Lord Jesus Christ when He died for us.

Such love is beyond our ability to grasp with our minds, but it is not beyond our ability to experience with our hearts.

The Power Of Vulnerability

Brene Brown on vulnerability:

Lord, empty me of myself so i can be filled with You.
Rid me of my shame and guilt of past mistakes, you have removed my sins as far as the east is from the west.
Rid me of the doubts and questions of what if, your plans are for my good and Your glory.
Rid me of the anger and bitterness i've carried for far too long, renew my thoughts and attitude.
Take my life and mold me into a shining light for You in this dark world.
May my life, thoughts, words, and actions reflect Your redeeming love and abundant grace.
Your grace... oh, the grace that overwhelms me, covers me, humbles me. Grace that is greater than all my sin.
Though i stumble, You hold me.
You call me your beloved and nothing can separate me from Your love.
You alone satisfy my soul.

The Grand Canyon

Never have I felt as simultaneously small and absolutely gigantic as I did standing here. I remember looking from one side of the canyon to the other, over and over again. Thinking about how vast the sky stretched, and how far i could gaze down and still not see the bottom of the canyon. I was overwhelmed. I just sat there at the edge of the cliff, i could feel the beauty in my veins.

While I was sitting there, I couldn't help but think of psalm 36, which reads: "Your love, Lord, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies. Your righteousness is like the highest mountains, your justice like the great deep."

And suddenly the colorful rocks, the clouds, the sun, the seemingly endless cliff I was sitting on, and the parade of color in the sky became even more

Overwhelming.

Astounding.

Paralyzing. 

Vast. 

I looked at the sun and I saw God. 

I looked at the clouds and I saw God.

I looked at the rocks and I saw God.

I saw His love, His faithfulness, His righteousness, and His justice.

His almighty, awesome power shining through the sky onto everything below.

I felt tiny.

I felt huge.

I felt loved. 

"She Did All She Could."

The other day, as i was going through a box of old things in my closet, I found one of my old Bibles.
My very first one actually. The leather's pink and a little torn, 
Anna Marie Lang engraved in silver letters on the front. 
As I opened it up and leafed thorough it's old pages, I found a bookmark.

It read, "She did all she could." -Mark 14:8.

You see, she is someone I want to be like.

She knew Jesus. And her story is in the Bible. It's one of my very favorites. 
When Jesus was in a place called Bethany, as He sat the table in the home of his friend, she came in. 
She held in her hands an alabaster jar of very expensive perfume, made of pure nard.
She broke the jar. And she poured the perfume out of the jar onto Jesus' head.

People began whispering. Indignantly, they said to one another, 
"Why this waste of perfume? 
It could have been sold for more than a year's wages 
and the money given to the poor."

They judged her. 
They looked down on her. 
They rebuked her. 
Harshly.

But Jesus looked up at them, and he said, "Leave her alone."

He defended her.

He said, "She has done a beautiful thing to me."

"The poor you will always have with you, 
and you can help them anytime you want. 
But you will not always have me.
She did all she could."

He continued to explain. 
He told them she poured perfume on His body, 
preparing Him for his coming death and burial... 
something only He knew would soon occur. 
He said that wherever the Gospel would be preached, 
her story would be told.. 
through all the world, through all the years to come.

(Based upon Mark 14:1-9)

She was a woman who knew Jesus, and I want to be like her. 
Her story moves me.

She understood something no one else in that room did. 
What she did was sacred, special, and precious. 
Jesus knew that. But the people in the room? They didn't "get it."
But she didn't care. As an act of worship, she anointed Jesus with something precious.

I love her faith. 
Her bravery. 
Her passion for Jesus. 
And how she didn't care what anyone said or thought. 
Just Him.

We don't know much about her. We don't know where she got that perfume, where she lived, or how she possessed the expensive oil. But we do know she possessed something valuable, costly, precious. The perfume was worth much, to her, and even to an onlooker.

I love this story, because I can relate with it. No, I don't own bottles of costly perfume, but because my life and my heart, and your life and your heart, are worth much. And we alone choose and decide how to spend our lives and where to give our hearts.

Like the woman in this story, I chose long ago to give my life, my heart, my time, my love, my worship - to Him. No matter the cost. And I want to continue to do that. 

By giving my life to Him, I'm saying "no" to all else. 
Pouring it out like a costly perfume, 
on His head, 
in worship. 
Trusting Him,
giving my all. 
Because it belongs to Him anyway. 
And because He is the love of my life.

I'm not claiming to be perfect. 

I'm not saying that i don't fall short.
I get lost.
I fail him.
Every day.

But the beauty of His grace is that he continually takes me back,
no matter my shortcomings.
No matter what I've said or done.
Hallelujah. 

Tomorrow I'm a year older.
So I choose to give Him this year,
and the rest of my years. 
The rest of this decade,
every decade after, 
every year He may give me. 

I don't wanna keep it bottled up. 
I choose to pour it out on Him. 
In reckless, passionate worship.

Like a bottle of Chanel no. 5, poured out. 
Wasted, to some it seems. 
Like this woman, 
who poured it out
despite haters, 
despite what anyone thought.
All she saw was Him.

What are you doing with your costly perfume?
Your life? 
Your heart?

My prayer as the clock strikes midnight 
and I open a new chapter of life, 
thankful for a new year, is this:

That I may, in reckless and passionate abandon, 
pour out every last drop of my costly perfume 
as worship to Him. And that someday, just maybe, 
He will say of me -

"She did all she could."

May we, through His grace, pour it all out for Him.

Fullness of heart.

I've been waiting for inspiration to spark my soul before writing again.
The fullness in my life has left little room to write deeply and passionately as I so often do here.
For this, I am grateful.
I've seen a dramatic shift in my personality lately.
I'm much more reserved than I was just months ago.
I used to be so bold in my words, especially in person.
Now, I think on a much deeper level before opening my mouth to my heart's words.
In no way is this change affecting me negatively- it's just a new set of skin I haven't grown into yet.
I can feel a dramatic change in my soul.
A more mature version of the emotional self that I will always be- is developing
In place of the old naive girl I was, I am becoming a powerhouse of words with deep meaning.
No extra stuff.
I found that I used to talk to hear my voice.
Now, internalizing my words and speaking before I touch people- I have been able to dramatically alter my view on things.
If I was always talking, I never had a chance to grow in situations.
With my ears and heart open to the world- I am learning in ways I didn't know were possible.
I feel that same sensitivity.
That same raw emotion...
Just older.
More substance, less child.
It's a good change.

You are loved

She put on the blue and white ruffled Cinderella dress and her dimpled cheeks burst into a smile. Her bright eyes danced as she happily squealed and spun around in a circle. The 3 year old little doll beamed with delight as she spun around the house and giggled at the very idea of being a princess. As she smiled and twirled, I spun her around in a circle. I realized that her delight in being a beautiful princess was the very same desire in my heart, and in yours. Women, even at the youngest of ages, have within them an innate longing to be special, beautiful, and loved.

In the last year, the Lord has taken me through a season in my life where I've lost a lot of things I found my identity in. All my life, I held onto certain things that made me "Anna." Then suddenly... things took a different turn than I had planned or anticipated. Not just a few things. ALL of the things. All of the things that made me ME (in my eyes) were dropping out of my life, one by one... like flies. It was similar to the sensation of cupping sand in your hands and feeling it slowly, but ever so surely, run out. And you can do nothing but watch.

And suddenly there I stood... just me. I was no longer Anna the best friend, or Anna the girly girl. I wasn't nearly as confident and my interests completely changed. I was lonely and tired and it scared me. I felt panicked at the thought, honestly. A million questions swirled around in my mind in the dark of night as I lay in my bed. I felt like I was losing it. And all the while, the Lord was whispering...

"I love you, I made you. You are MINE."

And in this season, He's taught me something.
Something that made the loneliness worth it. The loss worth it. The pain oh so worth it.

He showed me that I am not defined or made valuable by what I do or things I have.
My worth lies in one thing and one thing alone: I am extravagantly loved by God.

Always remember that you are not just the things you do, the clothes you wear, the job you have.
You are worth much more.
ALL of who you are.
And He loves every part of you.

The woman you are on the outside...
How people see you. Strangers you pass by, your colleagues. The blonde, brunette. The one with pretty eyes. The nurse, the secretary, the teacher, the student. Athletic. Homeschooler. Singer. Tall. Short. Pretty. Cute.

The woman your friends know...
A deeper part of you, but certainly not the whole you. The one with that fabulous smile. The really good listener. The faithful friend. The hard worker. The one who has money. The fabulous party thrower. The one who's always late. The coffee drinker.

The woman your brother, sister, and your best friend know. The one your mom knows...
The dreamer. The over-achiever. the shy one. the pushover. the doubter. the avoider. the leader. the bossy one. the flirt. the closet writer. the extrovert. the disorganized disaster. the insecure one.

And then, there is that secret part of you.... the part no one knows.
No one...but you and God.
The abused little girl. the broken-hearted one. The one who wants to run away.
Your worst fear, the one you're afraid to even utter. The way he used you so unfairly. The way you hate your body.
The people who judge you...but they have no clue what you've been through.
The anger that boils your blood over what he did. The eating disorder that has terrorized you for as long as you can remember. The secret thing you did, the awful thing...you wish you could forget.
The regret you have over that one choice. That one decision that changed everything. The hurt so deep, the words spoken, the accusations made...that haunt you. The secret wish you made when you blew out that candle on your last birthday... that was really a prayer for a better life.

The way you look. The way you feel. The fat days. The acne flare-ups. Even when you have no makeup on, when your hair is piled on top of your head.

He loves you.

Your insecurities about how you look in men's eyes. Your flabby abs. The bags under your eyes. The way you laugh. The way you feel out of place at parties. The mornings you sit and talk to Him, the prayers you pray. The craziest dreams you have. The ones you can't imagine actually coming true. The mistakes you made and cried over. The reasons your friends disowned you. The days you feel plain.

He loves you.
He loves all of who you are.

Don't listen to the lies anymore.
Those voices that do not speak truth.
The "You're ugly, you're worthless and no one will ever love you. You're not the type of girl the guys like. You're awkward. You're fat. You're boring. You have nothing good to say and your dreams will not come true."

Hear this: You are beautiful to Him.

Perfect Timing

Sometimes, waiting on God is hard. Waiting in general is hard.. and at the very least, not the most fun thing ever.

In all honesty, I've been struggling with that "waiting" the last month or so. It's hard to share that, because let's face it - it's much easier to say it's always a breeze. To seem perfectly content. But that's just not real life. On this little space, I feel called to share my heart on the topic of waiting. Waiting on God's timing and following His plan for our lives - specifically in the area of relationships and matters of the heart. I believe that waiting on God, giving Him the "pen" to write your life (and love) story is a precious thing. He will not ever let us down! He is completely trustworthy. I believe that He has the absolute best plan for my life, and I gave my life and heart to Him a very long time ago and I have never, ever looked back. I feel prompted and moved to write my honest struggles today, even though it's hard to be real sometimes about what we face - but I pray that you who read this, whoever you are, may find encouragement as you walk on this path of waiting.

Sometimes, I struggle. Sometimes, I doubt Him. Honestly, I do.

Life can be lonely. It can be happy and fulfilling and really fun, but it can certainly be lonely. Sometimes, the security of a relationship and the thrill of over-the-moon love is what your heart desires.

There are seasons of emotion. Some days you are happy and embracing all the good and the learning, but some days are more difficult and loneliness colors the hours.

"Grant me serenity to accept things, the things I cannot change.
Grant me to courage, Lord, to change what I can - wisdom to know the difference.
In my weakness You can shine, in Your strength I can fly.
And You make everything, everything beautiful.
You make everything, everything new!
In it's time, in Your time - it's beautiful.
Grant me serenity, Lord, and patience for things will take time.
Grant me freedom to walk a new path and let me feel Your love.
In my weakness, You can shine. In Your strength, I can fly."
-Rebecca St. James

Precious. Friend, whatever you are waiting for. Maybe you're waiting for your heart to heal. Maybe you're waiting for your dream to come true. Or for direction for your life, for an open door. Or for a breakthrough. Remember - nothing really good comes easily. It takes work, prayer, sacrifice... and waiting. He makes everything beautiful in it's time. In His time.

"He has made everything beautiful in it's time."
-Ecclesiastes 3:11

Waiting has it's beauty.
And the culmination of that waiting, it's beautiful too.
So I smile and embrace my life, knowing it could change overnight and we don't know what the future holds, but we know WHO holds our future.
Because God is the One who opens doors and closes them.
And we can trust His timing.
I encourage you to embrace your waiting season, too. Whatever it is.
Because, we are never alone - because He is with us.

Yada

This is a story of how I used to hate February. Really, really dread it. February, ugh. Stupid month of love. The one time of year when my aloneness was completely unavoidable, and even seemed to be thrown in my face. To me Valentines Day meant a month of chocolates, candy hearts, cheap cards featuring red hearts or a lame drawing of Cupid. But what I never saw was that it represented something entirely more serious; something I could hardly express or put into words. A time when it would appear that somewhere out there, there existed a real love. Something that ultimately we're all seeking, and often feel the lack of. Society would tell you you'll find it in giving and being given gifts. Jewelry, flowers, gourmet chocolate, candy hearts. All delivered over a candle lit dinner complete with a confession of undying love... That is society's ultimate romance. When we receive anything less, discontentment ensues. And when you do receive this, maybe you wonder why you feel a sense of guilt or disappointment. Is this all there is? Love with a greater meaning; a deeper knowing and understanding of another person. Isn't this what we all really want?

This desire and longing we all have is yada, which is the Biblical Hebrew definition for what every person walking the planet desires: to know, to be known, and be deeply respected. Yada is in the bible almost a thousand times, more importantly between God and his creation. If you get completely honest with yourself, is this what you want? To know, be known, and be deeply respected?

This time of year what I discovered awakened in me was this realization that yada was something I didn't have. It wasn't actually a boyfriend, it was yada. I've seen too many unhappy people in relationships, who clearly don't have yada. I've realized that yada must come from a relationship with God before you can experience it in a relationship with another person.

All of us are looking for love. I want to encourage you that no matter what path of life you're on, single or in a relationship- there's no reason for you to feel like you're missing out on valentines day. Just because you don't have a boyfriend doesn't mean that you can't enjoy valentines day. It's the day of love. There are plenty of people in your life that you love, even if it's not a boyfriend. Love on them today.

The world'll tell you that you're the only one that's not experiencing the "ultimate love" but the reality is this; you can have yada starting today. Run after God, go deeper with him, and find true happiness and contentment in him. This communion, this fellowship with our creator, isn't it the climax?

Dreaming vs. Doing

These past few weeks really helped put some things about myself into perspective, and though it led to some rather painful realizations it was something I really needed. I was talking about plans for the future and was rambling on excitedly about one idea or another and my friend commented that she hoped Id actually go through with it and make it happen. She told me I'm a "project starter" and that it's time for me to finally finish something for a change. While this may seem harsh, her words rang true and really made me realize that this is one of my biggest personality flaws. I get ideas, I get passionate about them, I throw a ton of work into getting them started and then...I get a new idea, I get passionate about it, I throw a ton of work into starting it and any plans I had for the previous idea sort of get set on the back burner. But they don't simmer there, they just sort of..go bad. And I never go back to them. And nothing ever gets accomplished.

I thought about all of the things I've thought about doing and plans I only half carried out and it was a huge eye opener to how much I could have accomplished with my life and had all of the potential in the world to make happen and then....didn't. The charity I dreamed up and never started, the blanket I crocheted half of, the handful of novels I wrote three chapters of, the quilt half sewn sitting on a shelf in my closet. The list goes on and on. Countless plans I had for my life that I walked away from when an idea I perceived as "better" came along. All things I started but never finished.

It's not even a case of "giving up;" it's that my attention span and focus is so all over the place that I can't seem to keep myself working toward one thing. I'm so worried about getting the most out of life and living every second to the fullest and cramming in as much as possible that I end up jumping away from great ideas in an attempt to do more. But the problem with this is by not finishing anything I'm not getting the most out of life; I'm setting myself up to permanently feel dissatisfied with how I didn't spend the little precious time I'd been given.

Last week was all about focusing myself on prioritizing my ideas and figuring out what plans I have are most important. I sat outside with my notebook and jotted down which goals are most important to me and ranked them in order of importance. I came up with small little steps that I can easily make time for that will bring me closer to the finish line. After I was done, I felt really relieved and good about myself. It felt nice being able to physically see a list of my goals and priorities. I think half of my problem is my brain never takes a break; it's always buzzing with ideas and I don't know what to do with them. Seeing my list every day will remind me to focus and the steps I need to take are small enough that I won't get overwhelmed.

I know I will never be a one niche person. I will never have only one goal, dream or hobby. I don't think I could ever feel remotely satisfied working for just one thing, to be honest. I just need to learn how to effectively manage my time and thoughts so that I can accomplish multiple things at the same time and start really making things happen for myself. I need to stop letting go of old dreams the second I dream up something new. I need to stop letting myself forget about other things I want and look at the bigger picture. I need to stay true to the little steps for living more positively I outlined for myself and continue focusing on what I'm capable of instead of what I'm not.

I've always been a dreamer, I just need to be a doer for a change.

He Calls You Beautiful One

I've been thinking a lot about beauty lately. The physical appearance kind of beauty. The kind that we as women strive for....admit it or not. The kind that turns heads, makes magazine covers, lands modeling deals. The kind that we all want but feel we don't have enough of. The kind that makes that boy ask for your number.
The physical, external beauty.
And then I think of the inner. And how it isn't always as easy to see, But it's there.
And it surely will become evident, just give it a little time.
And I think about how uneven the emphasis on inner and outer beauty is in our culture. How we're taught by our media and culture to constantly fight and strive and work towards being "beautiful."
And how it's not necessarily bad at all to want to be physically attractive and beautiful - but how the beauty of our hearts is neglected. How easy it is (and I'm speaking from experience here) to fall into wanting to attract attention and turn heads. How easy it is to focus all your attention on outer beauty instead of inner. To spend an hour in front of the mirror curling your hair, but forget to pray and spend time with the lover of your soul. How easy it is to fall into dressing in a way that attracts attention - because, why not? Everyone else is doing it. Choosing clothes that are a little too tight, a little too low-cut.
Girls, I know how hard it is - balancing outer and inner beauty. This fight we have chosen to take up against a culture that screams worldly, temporary, and rather worthless values, distracting us from our heart's goal. The hard but worth it choice to focus on God and say "no" to worldly things. The choice to dress modestly yet still being fashionable and trendy, creative and fun. I struggle because i can always see loads of things about myself i'd like to tweak and change. How my teeth could be whiter, or i could lose some weight here and there, how i would finally be happy if i had perfect skin.. and I'm finding that the only way we can be successful in our striving for the goal of attaining inner beauty rather than just outer is this: to realize who calls us beautiful in the first place.
When I realize this unbelievable truth - that He loves me and calls me beautiful, everything makes sense. It all falls into place. And when I realize He calls me beautiful - no, not for my pretty face or good looks, but for my heart. Who I am. For my soul. It is the most freeing, precious, and wonderful thing in the world.
Who defines your beauty? The measurements, colors, styles, and standards of Hollywood and our perverted media? Or the Lord? The One who created you, who made your heart, who breathed life into you so that you are here this very day?
Let Him love on you. You are His daughter, His princess. His joy. The apple of His eye. He loves you to the moon and back. And He calls you beautiful!
In light of this - who cares what anyone thinks. That critical eye. The culture and media that objectifies women, setting unrealistic standards using Photoshop, heavy makeup, and severe dieting. Listen to the voice that truly matters. Listen to Him - He calls you "Beautiful One."

He doesn't love you because you are beautiful. Or because you were popular in high school. He doesn't love you because you can whip up a delicious batch of cookies. He doesn't love you because you have a beautiful singing voice or because you can write the most beautiful poetry. He doesn't love you because you get good grades. He doesn't love you because you are a good friend or because you serve the homeless. He doesn't love you less because of what you did last week in secret. He doesn't love you less because of what she said to you. Or what he did to hurt you. He doesn't love you less because you dropped the ball last year. He doesn't love you less because of what they think of you.
He just loves you. Because you are His. His little girl.
There is nothing you can do to make Him love you more. Nothing you can do to make Him love you less. He just loves you.
This love is yours.

He loves you
and "Love never ends."
-1 Corinthians 13:13

God, I will...

Every day I see this, and every day God renews my strength. Missing CHIC more than I ever imagined possible.

What If Money Didn't Matter?

Ask yourself this question.

Extending Love

  It was one of those days. One of those days where everything seems to go wrong. From the moment my feet hit the floor that morning and I realized I'd missed my alarm clock and slept late, the day just felt off. I'd like to say I'm always put together, on time, and poised....but that's just not true. In all honesty, the words "frenzy" and "running a hundred miles an hour with my hair on fire" are more accurate at times. And honestly, as the day went on, I was not feeling that great about life...or myself. Earlier that morning, I found time to put on a little eyeliner, throw on a wrinkled shirt and my comfiest pair of blue jeans, and let my hair air dry on it's own (never the best choice.) As the day wore on, I became more and more discouraged with life. I promised to always be honest with you guys on this blog, and so that means I'm not one of those bloggers - you know the ones - who have the perfect outfit on at all times, complete with red lipstick, a Chanel bag, and Tiffany's earrings - the ideal life, and (somehow) a bank account that always comfortably allows for fancy dinners, shopping sprees, and many weekly exotic outings. I'm just a girl who deals with daily life stuff. Who looks for the good and tries to make the most of every situation. Who is totally open about her flaws.

  But by mid-afternoon that day, due to a combination of having a lot on my mind, being weary, and fighting discouragement, I had to do something. And when push comes to shove, what's a girl to do? I went to get some coffee from the school coffee shop. Coffee will always helps one's state of mind.

  I walked up to the coffee machine and punched the button for my favorite french vanilla cappuccino. And as I fumbled through my backpack, brushing back a stray strand of unruly hair from my face and sighing, the girl who walked up behind me smiled kindly at me. And then she said, "You always look so cute! You just have the prettiest hair and I love your style. I always think you look just so pretty." I was frozen as I found my 50 cents at the bottom of my bag. Tears threatened to flow, and all I could do was quietly stand there and say, "Thank you...you dont know how much i needed to hear that today."

  It was just a short sentence. A few seconds of conversation. A quick exchange. But you know what? It changed my entire day. I'm not just saying that, either. I walked outta there feeling like a new girl (and it wasn't because of the coffee, although that has been known to happen.) Uplifted and encouraged - just because someone took the time to speak a few kind words to me. That sweet girl could have just waited her turn, checked her phone, said nothing at all. But she didn't. She took the time to say something nice to me and she changed my day.

  And it got me thinking, the rest of the week, about the power of words. The sheer power one human being has over another just by speaking words. It's incredible, really. And as I thought about it, I began to think of moments and times in my life when words were spoken to me - words I will never, ever forget. Words are powerful. Words are life-giving, like I experienced at school that day. But words can also hurt and sting, words can stay with you for a lifetime. And they can even shape and define the very people we become. When spoken, words cannot be taken back. If hurtful, they can be forgiven. But usually, they are never forgotten. I began to think about words in my life - defining moments when words were spoken that I will never forget.

"The tongue has the power of life and death."

Proverbs 18:21

Words have power. God spoke the world into existence, just using words alone. Words have meaning.

"And God said, 'Let there be light.' And there was light."

Genesis 1:3

  There are times in the past when people - even friends very close to me - didn't understand me, didn't take time to use their words to ask me what was going on in my heart, didn't take time to use their words to find out why I acted a certain way, why I made certain choices. Instead, words were used to tear me down - to judge, to gossip, to shame. It taught me a very painful lesson - to not only use words to encourage others, but also use words to get to know their hearts. To not judge just by outward appearances, choices, or even attitudes - but to dig deeper and talk - to sit down with someone you don't understand, someone you're even hurt by - and lovingly, graciously put aside judgement and really ask them to use their words to share their heart. In times I've chosen to do that rather than lash out in judgement, slander or gossip with my words - I've often found there's more to the story, more to a person's heart and actions than just what is seen. If people in my life in the past had taken the time to know my heart, a lot of hurt could've been spared.
I know I've been the one who's hurt others at times. I know I've hurt others by careless words. And I wish I could take them back. Realizing the power of words as I get older and have moments when words uplift like that sweet girl's did, I am driven to be more careful - more thoughtful about my words. I want to use the power my words have to give life, hope, love, and encouragement to the people I meet.

  So, at the end of last week - I found myself on the other side of the "coffee situation." And I had a choice to make - a choice to hold my words of encouragement in or use them to build someone else up. A weary girl  numbly fumbled for a cup, and I took the opportunity - I knew it was there - because I knew that look on her face. The same look I wore just days before as I stood in the exact same part. I seized the moment, "You have the prettiest smile," I said - "And I love your headband." She lit up. And she smiled so wide, she laughed. Her whole demeanor changed, the next minute I spent across from her she smiled and said, "Thank you...thank you." And it reminded me of someone else I know....just days before.

  That, is what extending love looks like - not only did my encourager earlier in the week speak life to me, but the very act of encouraging me inspired me to lift up someone else!

  Words bring life or death. They can uplift or drag down. And they live long past the moment they are spoken - they live forever in the mind and heart of the one spoken to...and they can even inspire one to do good.

  Let's use our words in a purposeful way this week - to uplift, bring life, encourage, and inspire. You never know where a little word will take somebody. It could be the one they remember the rest of their life. And that, sweet friend - means something.

Lord Change Me... But Not Yet.

Growing up I always saw big kids as the coolest people to walk the earth. They had phones and could watch PG-13 movies and drink soda. They could go places on their own and drive and buy anything they wanted with all that magical money that just appeared in their wallets. I always said "When im a teenager I'll have the coolest car and the nicest friends and It'll all be grand." When I was younger i never saw that being a big kid had downsides too. I didn't see the responsibilities and the homework and the job that actually provided that money. I never said "When Im older I'll feel helpless!"

But here I am a big kid. With the job and the phone and the friends and the freedom. And somehow It's not as grand as I said it would be. I mean dont get me wrong, I am SO incredibly blessed and life is so beautiful. It's just... more the complications. You see, sometimes big kids have issues with their health, and sometimes big kids have way too much school, and sometimes big kids are so overwhelmed with all their over commitments that they start to suffocate in their freedom.

As a big kid my life has just been spiraling. Like a spinning, spitting tornado twisting at 280 miles a minute (yes, stereotypical Kansan making a tornado reference). It's like this constant weight on my shoulders. A constant stress and worry over getting my homework done on time, keeping good grades, getting to work, keeping up with all my friends, eating healthy, keeping my promise with every single one of my over commitments. Im just so tired of it. Even though all of my commitments are good things that im doing for good reasons, i need to step back and evaluate what's really important. Because even though im a social person, I need alone time. I need time where I can step back and talk with God and think and look at everything going on in my life. Because It's so easy for me to just get caught up and keep going  down a path that maybe I shouldn't be on in the first place. Even though I dont really have the time today, im blowing off some of my responsibilities and taking that time.

Im just sitting here contemplating my heart. Its funny how I say I want change in my heart, until it requires change in my life. I want change until I see that its's going to sting. I want to be that role model for my sisters and that honorable young woman that my parents can always be proud of, but I find that more often than not im all talk. I always have the right words and I make good decisions and im a kind person, but what it comes down to is it's not that I do those things because of Christ dying for me, it's because I've been raised with such a strong Conscience, and that gets me think about how little I do every day as a sacrifice for Christ. Every day I fall short. Every day I sin. And I acknowledge that sin in my life and I say I need to change, but saying it isn't enough. Saying that I need to change is nothing more than saying that I need that new pair of pants in that window display at the mall. The saddest part is that I probably will pursue those pants more than I will the change i need in my life. Those pretty words I spit out aren't pretty if they aren't real and true.

In Saint Augustine's book, Confessions, he prayed that the Lord would change him... but not yet!
I feel like that so accurately represents my heart. I want this change but im not willing to let the Lord change me. I ask for change in my life but not in my heart and then im confused when i have the same outcome. Like water on the sand, or grasping at the wind, I keep falling short.

I need to step back on my commitments to society, and step forward to the promise that I made to Jesus Christ when I was 8 years old. The promise to follow him and give him my very best every single day. Because as I've become this big kid, I've let my freedom get the best of me. Every time I put anything in my life above Christ, even if it was a good thing, it becomes an idol in my life. I struggle with the condition of my heart because even though Jesus showed me grace and died for me, I still continue to sin. And that's when I have to remind myself that it's grace because I dont deserve it. I continually fail God, yet he never stops giving me another chance. I want to change the world, but I've never worked to change myself, and it's about time I give the Lord complete control over my life.

Like water on the sand, or grasping at the wind, i keep on falling short. Lord please be my strength, 'cause i dont have any more. You are my strength; you and you alone keep bringing me back home.

Sunrise

As I'm sitting here this morning at 6:37 am, just as the sun is peeking Over the hill and the trees, I'm contemplating Gods sovereignty. As im sitting here, listening to the birds cheerful chirps, I'm embracing my blessings. I always say I'm not a morning person, but I guess its just more I'm not a get up early just to rush and get on with my day kind of person. Because its not that I hate mornings, it's that I hate that a stressful day is about to begin. Because as I'm sitting here, watching the sun rise, I'm engulfed in its glory, and the glory of our God, as it shouts "He is powerful! He is mighty! He is just!" And as the world comes alive, as the trees gently rustle in the wind, and the birds flirt with everything around them, and whistle with joy, another day has begun. Another blessed day, a gift from the Lord. And now I'm seeing, I AM a morning person. This sunrise puts me at ease, these birds make me want to sing, this wind makes me want to dance, and although it's early, the world is even more beautiful. From this moment on, everything in nature will appear as more than just trees, and creatures, and grass, I will see it for he miracle and inspiring beauty that it is. Praise Jehovah!

He Always Takes Me Back

Failure.
The word that comes to mind when i think of my dedication to the Lord.
Wreck.
The word that comes to mind when i think about my life, every time i lose my dedication.
Entitled.
How the world has taught me to see myself.

Over and over and over again i fail the one who died for me.
Over and over and over again i get into these power struggles with the one who created me. 
Over and over and over again i see myself as most important and see every blessing in my life as deserved.
I hate myself for it, but somehow God loves me just the same. I really cant grasp it, because if i were him id be so sick of me... But somehow he sticks with me and gives little feeble broken me chance after chance. He gives me hope. Its crazy, having a God who always takes me back, no matter what ive done. Hallelujah, Praise him!