The Grand Canyon

Never have I felt as simultaneously small and absolutely gigantic as I did standing here. I remember looking from one side of the canyon to the other, over and over again. Thinking about how vast the sky stretched, and how far i could gaze down and still not see the bottom of the canyon. I was overwhelmed. I just sat there at the edge of the cliff, i could feel the beauty in my veins.

While I was sitting there, I couldn't help but think of psalm 36, which reads: "Your love, Lord, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies. Your righteousness is like the highest mountains, your justice like the great deep."

And suddenly the colorful rocks, the clouds, the sun, the seemingly endless cliff I was sitting on, and the parade of color in the sky became even more

Overwhelming.

Astounding.

Paralyzing. 

Vast. 

I looked at the sun and I saw God. 

I looked at the clouds and I saw God.

I looked at the rocks and I saw God.

I saw His love, His faithfulness, His righteousness, and His justice.

His almighty, awesome power shining through the sky onto everything below.

I felt tiny.

I felt huge.

I felt loved. 

"She Did All She Could."

The other day, as i was going through a box of old things in my closet, I found one of my old Bibles.
My very first one actually. The leather's pink and a little torn, 
Anna Marie Lang engraved in silver letters on the front. 
As I opened it up and leafed thorough it's old pages, I found a bookmark.

It read, "She did all she could." -Mark 14:8.

You see, she is someone I want to be like.

She knew Jesus. And her story is in the Bible. It's one of my very favorites. 
When Jesus was in a place called Bethany, as He sat the table in the home of his friend, she came in. 
She held in her hands an alabaster jar of very expensive perfume, made of pure nard.
She broke the jar. And she poured the perfume out of the jar onto Jesus' head.

People began whispering. Indignantly, they said to one another, 
"Why this waste of perfume? 
It could have been sold for more than a year's wages 
and the money given to the poor."

They judged her. 
They looked down on her. 
They rebuked her. 
Harshly.

But Jesus looked up at them, and he said, "Leave her alone."

He defended her.

He said, "She has done a beautiful thing to me."

"The poor you will always have with you, 
and you can help them anytime you want. 
But you will not always have me.
She did all she could."

He continued to explain. 
He told them she poured perfume on His body, 
preparing Him for his coming death and burial... 
something only He knew would soon occur. 
He said that wherever the Gospel would be preached, 
her story would be told.. 
through all the world, through all the years to come.

(Based upon Mark 14:1-9)

She was a woman who knew Jesus, and I want to be like her. 
Her story moves me.

She understood something no one else in that room did. 
What she did was sacred, special, and precious. 
Jesus knew that. But the people in the room? They didn't "get it."
But she didn't care. As an act of worship, she anointed Jesus with something precious.

I love her faith. 
Her bravery. 
Her passion for Jesus. 
And how she didn't care what anyone said or thought. 
Just Him.

We don't know much about her. We don't know where she got that perfume, where she lived, or how she possessed the expensive oil. But we do know she possessed something valuable, costly, precious. The perfume was worth much, to her, and even to an onlooker.

I love this story, because I can relate with it. No, I don't own bottles of costly perfume, but because my life and my heart, and your life and your heart, are worth much. And we alone choose and decide how to spend our lives and where to give our hearts.

Like the woman in this story, I chose long ago to give my life, my heart, my time, my love, my worship - to Him. No matter the cost. And I want to continue to do that. 

By giving my life to Him, I'm saying "no" to all else. 
Pouring it out like a costly perfume, 
on His head, 
in worship. 
Trusting Him,
giving my all. 
Because it belongs to Him anyway. 
And because He is the love of my life.

I'm not claiming to be perfect. 

I'm not saying that i don't fall short.
I get lost.
I fail him.
Every day.

But the beauty of His grace is that he continually takes me back,
no matter my shortcomings.
No matter what I've said or done.
Hallelujah. 

Tomorrow I'm a year older.
So I choose to give Him this year,
and the rest of my years. 
The rest of this decade,
every decade after, 
every year He may give me. 

I don't wanna keep it bottled up. 
I choose to pour it out on Him. 
In reckless, passionate worship.

Like a bottle of Chanel no. 5, poured out. 
Wasted, to some it seems. 
Like this woman, 
who poured it out
despite haters, 
despite what anyone thought.
All she saw was Him.

What are you doing with your costly perfume?
Your life? 
Your heart?

My prayer as the clock strikes midnight 
and I open a new chapter of life, 
thankful for a new year, is this:

That I may, in reckless and passionate abandon, 
pour out every last drop of my costly perfume 
as worship to Him. And that someday, just maybe, 
He will say of me -

"She did all she could."

May we, through His grace, pour it all out for Him.

Fullness of heart.

I've been waiting for inspiration to spark my soul before writing again.
The fullness in my life has left little room to write deeply and passionately as I so often do here.
For this, I am grateful.
I've seen a dramatic shift in my personality lately.
I'm much more reserved than I was just months ago.
I used to be so bold in my words, especially in person.
Now, I think on a much deeper level before opening my mouth to my heart's words.
In no way is this change affecting me negatively- it's just a new set of skin I haven't grown into yet.
I can feel a dramatic change in my soul.
A more mature version of the emotional self that I will always be- is developing
In place of the old naive girl I was, I am becoming a powerhouse of words with deep meaning.
No extra stuff.
I found that I used to talk to hear my voice.
Now, internalizing my words and speaking before I touch people- I have been able to dramatically alter my view on things.
If I was always talking, I never had a chance to grow in situations.
With my ears and heart open to the world- I am learning in ways I didn't know were possible.
I feel that same sensitivity.
That same raw emotion...
Just older.
More substance, less child.
It's a good change.

You are loved

She put on the blue and white ruffled Cinderella dress and her dimpled cheeks burst into a smile. Her bright eyes danced as she happily squealed and spun around in a circle. The 3 year old little doll beamed with delight as she spun around the house and giggled at the very idea of being a princess. As she smiled and twirled, I spun her around in a circle. I realized that her delight in being a beautiful princess was the very same desire in my heart, and in yours. Women, even at the youngest of ages, have within them an innate longing to be special, beautiful, and loved.

In the last year, the Lord has taken me through a season in my life where I've lost a lot of things I found my identity in. All my life, I held onto certain things that made me "Anna." Then suddenly... things took a different turn than I had planned or anticipated. Not just a few things. ALL of the things. All of the things that made me ME (in my eyes) were dropping out of my life, one by one... like flies. It was similar to the sensation of cupping sand in your hands and feeling it slowly, but ever so surely, run out. And you can do nothing but watch.

And suddenly there I stood... just me. I was no longer Anna the best friend, or Anna the girly girl. I wasn't nearly as confident and my interests completely changed. I was lonely and tired and it scared me. I felt panicked at the thought, honestly. A million questions swirled around in my mind in the dark of night as I lay in my bed. I felt like I was losing it. And all the while, the Lord was whispering...

"I love you, I made you. You are MINE."

And in this season, He's taught me something.
Something that made the loneliness worth it. The loss worth it. The pain oh so worth it.

He showed me that I am not defined or made valuable by what I do or things I have.
My worth lies in one thing and one thing alone: I am extravagantly loved by God.

Always remember that you are not just the things you do, the clothes you wear, the job you have.
You are worth much more.
ALL of who you are.
And He loves every part of you.

The woman you are on the outside...
How people see you. Strangers you pass by, your colleagues. The blonde, brunette. The one with pretty eyes. The nurse, the secretary, the teacher, the student. Athletic. Homeschooler. Singer. Tall. Short. Pretty. Cute.

The woman your friends know...
A deeper part of you, but certainly not the whole you. The one with that fabulous smile. The really good listener. The faithful friend. The hard worker. The one who has money. The fabulous party thrower. The one who's always late. The coffee drinker.

The woman your brother, sister, and your best friend know. The one your mom knows...
The dreamer. The over-achiever. the shy one. the pushover. the doubter. the avoider. the leader. the bossy one. the flirt. the closet writer. the extrovert. the disorganized disaster. the insecure one.

And then, there is that secret part of you.... the part no one knows.
No one...but you and God.
The abused little girl. the broken-hearted one. The one who wants to run away.
Your worst fear, the one you're afraid to even utter. The way he used you so unfairly. The way you hate your body.
The people who judge you...but they have no clue what you've been through.
The anger that boils your blood over what he did. The eating disorder that has terrorized you for as long as you can remember. The secret thing you did, the awful thing...you wish you could forget.
The regret you have over that one choice. That one decision that changed everything. The hurt so deep, the words spoken, the accusations made...that haunt you. The secret wish you made when you blew out that candle on your last birthday... that was really a prayer for a better life.

The way you look. The way you feel. The fat days. The acne flare-ups. Even when you have no makeup on, when your hair is piled on top of your head.

He loves you.

Your insecurities about how you look in men's eyes. Your flabby abs. The bags under your eyes. The way you laugh. The way you feel out of place at parties. The mornings you sit and talk to Him, the prayers you pray. The craziest dreams you have. The ones you can't imagine actually coming true. The mistakes you made and cried over. The reasons your friends disowned you. The days you feel plain.

He loves you.
He loves all of who you are.

Don't listen to the lies anymore.
Those voices that do not speak truth.
The "You're ugly, you're worthless and no one will ever love you. You're not the type of girl the guys like. You're awkward. You're fat. You're boring. You have nothing good to say and your dreams will not come true."

Hear this: You are beautiful to Him.

Perfect Timing

Sometimes, waiting on God is hard. Waiting in general is hard.. and at the very least, not the most fun thing ever.

In all honesty, I've been struggling with that "waiting" the last month or so. It's hard to share that, because let's face it - it's much easier to say it's always a breeze. To seem perfectly content. But that's just not real life. On this little space, I feel called to share my heart on the topic of waiting. Waiting on God's timing and following His plan for our lives - specifically in the area of relationships and matters of the heart. I believe that waiting on God, giving Him the "pen" to write your life (and love) story is a precious thing. He will not ever let us down! He is completely trustworthy. I believe that He has the absolute best plan for my life, and I gave my life and heart to Him a very long time ago and I have never, ever looked back. I feel prompted and moved to write my honest struggles today, even though it's hard to be real sometimes about what we face - but I pray that you who read this, whoever you are, may find encouragement as you walk on this path of waiting.

Sometimes, I struggle. Sometimes, I doubt Him. Honestly, I do.

Life can be lonely. It can be happy and fulfilling and really fun, but it can certainly be lonely. Sometimes, the security of a relationship and the thrill of over-the-moon love is what your heart desires.

There are seasons of emotion. Some days you are happy and embracing all the good and the learning, but some days are more difficult and loneliness colors the hours.

"Grant me serenity to accept things, the things I cannot change.
Grant me to courage, Lord, to change what I can - wisdom to know the difference.
In my weakness You can shine, in Your strength I can fly.
And You make everything, everything beautiful.
You make everything, everything new!
In it's time, in Your time - it's beautiful.
Grant me serenity, Lord, and patience for things will take time.
Grant me freedom to walk a new path and let me feel Your love.
In my weakness, You can shine. In Your strength, I can fly."
-Rebecca St. James

Precious. Friend, whatever you are waiting for. Maybe you're waiting for your heart to heal. Maybe you're waiting for your dream to come true. Or for direction for your life, for an open door. Or for a breakthrough. Remember - nothing really good comes easily. It takes work, prayer, sacrifice... and waiting. He makes everything beautiful in it's time. In His time.

"He has made everything beautiful in it's time."
-Ecclesiastes 3:11

Waiting has it's beauty.
And the culmination of that waiting, it's beautiful too.
So I smile and embrace my life, knowing it could change overnight and we don't know what the future holds, but we know WHO holds our future.
Because God is the One who opens doors and closes them.
And we can trust His timing.
I encourage you to embrace your waiting season, too. Whatever it is.
Because, we are never alone - because He is with us.

Yada

This is a story of how I used to hate February. Really, really dread it. February, ugh. Stupid month of love. The one time of year when my aloneness was completely unavoidable, and even seemed to be thrown in my face. To me Valentines Day meant a month of chocolates, candy hearts, cheap cards featuring red hearts or a lame drawing of Cupid. But what I never saw was that it represented something entirely more serious; something I could hardly express or put into words. A time when it would appear that somewhere out there, there existed a real love. Something that ultimately we're all seeking, and often feel the lack of. Society would tell you you'll find it in giving and being given gifts. Jewelry, flowers, gourmet chocolate, candy hearts. All delivered over a candle lit dinner complete with a confession of undying love... That is society's ultimate romance. When we receive anything less, discontentment ensues. And when you do receive this, maybe you wonder why you feel a sense of guilt or disappointment. Is this all there is? Love with a greater meaning; a deeper knowing and understanding of another person. Isn't this what we all really want?

This desire and longing we all have is yada, which is the Biblical Hebrew definition for what every person walking the planet desires: to know, to be known, and be deeply respected. Yada is in the bible almost a thousand times, more importantly between God and his creation. If you get completely honest with yourself, is this what you want? To know, be known, and be deeply respected?

This time of year what I discovered awakened in me was this realization that yada was something I didn't have. It wasn't actually a boyfriend, it was yada. I've seen too many unhappy people in relationships, who clearly don't have yada. I've realized that yada must come from a relationship with God before you can experience it in a relationship with another person.

All of us are looking for love. I want to encourage you that no matter what path of life you're on, single or in a relationship- there's no reason for you to feel like you're missing out on valentines day. Just because you don't have a boyfriend doesn't mean that you can't enjoy valentines day. It's the day of love. There are plenty of people in your life that you love, even if it's not a boyfriend. Love on them today.

The world'll tell you that you're the only one that's not experiencing the "ultimate love" but the reality is this; you can have yada starting today. Run after God, go deeper with him, and find true happiness and contentment in him. This communion, this fellowship with our creator, isn't it the climax?

Dreaming vs. Doing

These past few weeks really helped put some things about myself into perspective, and though it led to some rather painful realizations it was something I really needed. I was talking about plans for the future and was rambling on excitedly about one idea or another and my friend commented that she hoped Id actually go through with it and make it happen. She told me I'm a "project starter" and that it's time for me to finally finish something for a change. While this may seem harsh, her words rang true and really made me realize that this is one of my biggest personality flaws. I get ideas, I get passionate about them, I throw a ton of work into getting them started and then...I get a new idea, I get passionate about it, I throw a ton of work into starting it and any plans I had for the previous idea sort of get set on the back burner. But they don't simmer there, they just sort of..go bad. And I never go back to them. And nothing ever gets accomplished.

I thought about all of the things I've thought about doing and plans I only half carried out and it was a huge eye opener to how much I could have accomplished with my life and had all of the potential in the world to make happen and then....didn't. The charity I dreamed up and never started, the blanket I crocheted half of, the handful of novels I wrote three chapters of, the quilt half sewn sitting on a shelf in my closet. The list goes on and on. Countless plans I had for my life that I walked away from when an idea I perceived as "better" came along. All things I started but never finished.

It's not even a case of "giving up;" it's that my attention span and focus is so all over the place that I can't seem to keep myself working toward one thing. I'm so worried about getting the most out of life and living every second to the fullest and cramming in as much as possible that I end up jumping away from great ideas in an attempt to do more. But the problem with this is by not finishing anything I'm not getting the most out of life; I'm setting myself up to permanently feel dissatisfied with how I didn't spend the little precious time I'd been given.

Last week was all about focusing myself on prioritizing my ideas and figuring out what plans I have are most important. I sat outside with my notebook and jotted down which goals are most important to me and ranked them in order of importance. I came up with small little steps that I can easily make time for that will bring me closer to the finish line. After I was done, I felt really relieved and good about myself. It felt nice being able to physically see a list of my goals and priorities. I think half of my problem is my brain never takes a break; it's always buzzing with ideas and I don't know what to do with them. Seeing my list every day will remind me to focus and the steps I need to take are small enough that I won't get overwhelmed.

I know I will never be a one niche person. I will never have only one goal, dream or hobby. I don't think I could ever feel remotely satisfied working for just one thing, to be honest. I just need to learn how to effectively manage my time and thoughts so that I can accomplish multiple things at the same time and start really making things happen for myself. I need to stop letting go of old dreams the second I dream up something new. I need to stop letting myself forget about other things I want and look at the bigger picture. I need to stay true to the little steps for living more positively I outlined for myself and continue focusing on what I'm capable of instead of what I'm not.

I've always been a dreamer, I just need to be a doer for a change.

He Calls You Beautiful One

I've been thinking a lot about beauty lately. The physical appearance kind of beauty. The kind that we as women strive for....admit it or not. The kind that turns heads, makes magazine covers, lands modeling deals. The kind that we all want but feel we don't have enough of. The kind that makes that boy ask for your number.
The physical, external beauty.
And then I think of the inner. And how it isn't always as easy to see, But it's there.
And it surely will become evident, just give it a little time.
And I think about how uneven the emphasis on inner and outer beauty is in our culture. How we're taught by our media and culture to constantly fight and strive and work towards being "beautiful."
And how it's not necessarily bad at all to want to be physically attractive and beautiful - but how the beauty of our hearts is neglected. How easy it is (and I'm speaking from experience here) to fall into wanting to attract attention and turn heads. How easy it is to focus all your attention on outer beauty instead of inner. To spend an hour in front of the mirror curling your hair, but forget to pray and spend time with the lover of your soul. How easy it is to fall into dressing in a way that attracts attention - because, why not? Everyone else is doing it. Choosing clothes that are a little too tight, a little too low-cut.
Girls, I know how hard it is - balancing outer and inner beauty. This fight we have chosen to take up against a culture that screams worldly, temporary, and rather worthless values, distracting us from our heart's goal. The hard but worth it choice to focus on God and say "no" to worldly things. The choice to dress modestly yet still being fashionable and trendy, creative and fun. I struggle because i can always see loads of things about myself i'd like to tweak and change. How my teeth could be whiter, or i could lose some weight here and there, how i would finally be happy if i had perfect skin.. and I'm finding that the only way we can be successful in our striving for the goal of attaining inner beauty rather than just outer is this: to realize who calls us beautiful in the first place.
When I realize this unbelievable truth - that He loves me and calls me beautiful, everything makes sense. It all falls into place. And when I realize He calls me beautiful - no, not for my pretty face or good looks, but for my heart. Who I am. For my soul. It is the most freeing, precious, and wonderful thing in the world.
Who defines your beauty? The measurements, colors, styles, and standards of Hollywood and our perverted media? Or the Lord? The One who created you, who made your heart, who breathed life into you so that you are here this very day?
Let Him love on you. You are His daughter, His princess. His joy. The apple of His eye. He loves you to the moon and back. And He calls you beautiful!
In light of this - who cares what anyone thinks. That critical eye. The culture and media that objectifies women, setting unrealistic standards using Photoshop, heavy makeup, and severe dieting. Listen to the voice that truly matters. Listen to Him - He calls you "Beautiful One."

He doesn't love you because you are beautiful. Or because you were popular in high school. He doesn't love you because you can whip up a delicious batch of cookies. He doesn't love you because you have a beautiful singing voice or because you can write the most beautiful poetry. He doesn't love you because you get good grades. He doesn't love you because you are a good friend or because you serve the homeless. He doesn't love you less because of what you did last week in secret. He doesn't love you less because of what she said to you. Or what he did to hurt you. He doesn't love you less because you dropped the ball last year. He doesn't love you less because of what they think of you.
He just loves you. Because you are His. His little girl.
There is nothing you can do to make Him love you more. Nothing you can do to make Him love you less. He just loves you.
This love is yours.

He loves you
and "Love never ends."
-1 Corinthians 13:13

God, I will...

Every day I see this, and every day God renews my strength. Missing CHIC more than I ever imagined possible.