Sunrise

As I'm sitting here this morning at 6:37 am, just as the sun is peeking Over the hill and the trees, I'm contemplating Gods sovereignty. As im sitting here, listening to the birds cheerful chirps, I'm embracing my blessings. I always say I'm not a morning person, but I guess its just more I'm not a get up early just to rush and get on with my day kind of person. Because its not that I hate mornings, it's that I hate that a stressful day is about to begin. Because as I'm sitting here, watching the sun rise, I'm engulfed in its glory, and the glory of our God, as it shouts "He is powerful! He is mighty! He is just!" And as the world comes alive, as the trees gently rustle in the wind, and the birds flirt with everything around them, and whistle with joy, another day has begun. Another blessed day, a gift from the Lord. And now I'm seeing, I AM a morning person. This sunrise puts me at ease, these birds make me want to sing, this wind makes me want to dance, and although it's early, the world is even more beautiful. From this moment on, everything in nature will appear as more than just trees, and creatures, and grass, I will see it for he miracle and inspiring beauty that it is. Praise Jehovah!

He Always Takes Me Back

Failure.
The word that comes to mind when i think of my dedication to the Lord.
Wreck.
The word that comes to mind when i think about my life, every time i lose my dedication.
Entitled.
How the world has taught me to see myself.

Over and over and over again i fail the one who died for me.
Over and over and over again i get into these power struggles with the one who created me. 
Over and over and over again i see myself as most important and see every blessing in my life as deserved.
I hate myself for it, but somehow God loves me just the same. I really cant grasp it, because if i were him id be so sick of me... But somehow he sticks with me and gives little feeble broken me chance after chance. He gives me hope. Its crazy, having a God who always takes me back, no matter what ive done. Hallelujah, Praise him!

Rain Empowers

I watched a butterfly today,
her wings flipped and fluttered
to dry the dampened dew from
clogging what were her means
of escape, her wings of chance,
her future, laid bare and brutalized.

I love sudden downpours the best,
blue skies turned gray in surprise
with little time to hide before droplets
of heaven’s tears consume the earth,
seeping into cracks and crevices;
to fill the drying land with tides of change.

Floods consume the all-too-thirsty,
thrust themselves into burning fields
and soon abandoned houses; developments
caught in mud slide paths, with nothing
left but filth and grime, only to chase
the pure who’ve left alive.

The rain seems to follow tragedy,
spit upon the homeless and forgotten
with cackles and laughs to illuminate
the sky in thunder, rumbling reminders
of our vulnerability, easily ruined
in lakes too deep and waves too strong.

For rain is seen as horror, drowning
children lost beneath the puddles in
graveyards built too level and paved
too narrow with shallow graves to
try and hide the bodies, longing
for the sunshine just as we do.

I live beneath the drops that fall from
clouds, too heavy to float another inch;
I live like grass and plants and weeds,
turned brown from drought and envy
underwater plants; I live for puddled pools,
riddled with ringlet raindrops waves,

for just as the earth, I crack without the rain.

The rain empowers me in the same ways that sad songs and black and white movies and dark colors do. The gloomy aspects of those things make everything else seem just that much brighter.

Death Of YOLO

Side Effects

the first lie i
told was that i
was fine and
then it was just
a dot on my
windshield, i
could keep that one
straight, always;

the latest lie
is that i am
completely moved on
from someone i met in
the sun;

no one ever told me
that lying leaves
a sugary taste in your
mouth and reminds
you what you’ve done

no one ever said that
lying is an old friend that
you see again and
wish desperately to
approach but can’t
because of the crowd;

no one ever mentioned
that lying is like smiling
for the first time;

no one said
i’d fall half in love
with it

Forgiveness.

Its something I've always struggled with. Not forgiving others, because I've never had a problem with that, people have actually told me that i forgive a little too easily... if that's possible, But when i talk about having trouble with forgiveness, im talking about accepting forgiveness. I guess that can be a good thing, because it makes me always strive to fix what i do wrong, and makes me strive to make good decisions and not to disappoint my family and my friends and most importantly God. But it also has another side to it.
I cannot accept that God forgives me.
I cant look at everything ive done wrong in life and see God take it from me.
I cant accept that someone so perfect would look at my sin and tell me not to worry,
and that he loves me,
and that he forgives me for my mistakes.
And so I beat up on myself. I cry because when I listen to myself, I hear: I'll never be good enough. I'll never be satisfied with myself. I'll never consider myself to be valuable to my creator. And then I realize that my thinking is completely backwards. And that in my self-loathing, I'm defiling something that God created to be pure and beautiful and holy. Not my actions, which are sinful-- that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about me. Because my sin HAS been washed away. I'm talking about the reality that I'm justified in the eyes of my creator. He looks at my filth and sees Jesus' blood and it's finished. I know that.

So i guess me having trouble feeling forgiven, and not accepting my fathers gift, is my pride at work, me wanting to earn my salvation. And in my prideful self relying search of salvation, im losing sight of the father, and putting myself on a pedestal, trying to make myself my savior.

Its funny. How pride and self-loathing are my two biggest problems. How i can put myself up on this pedestal one moment, trying to save myself, thinking that i can do all things on my own and i can do them better than the Lord could do them... And then continue to treat myself like garbage, somehow warping truth & thinking I need to be punished for the crappy stuff I've done-- for my continual failures and shortcomings. Thinking that I need to suffer for my wrongs, as though they require more payment... As though Jesus' death was somehow insufficient.

I cry because I can't bring myself to accept His grace. Not that I don't think it's adequate.. I know it's more than enough. The insufficiency I'm overwhelmed with is my own. I don't feel like I'm worthy of anything, let alone perfect love. I just have to remind myself... The point of grace is that I don't deserve it. Because when I'm utterly incapable on my own, that's when God get's all the credit. And my self-worth should reflect the fact that I'm a part of God's kingdom. The point of everything is for God to receive the most glory. And that isn't achieved by me punishing myself, it's achieved by complete humility, gratitude, submission and praise.

Just So Tired

This is what is being taught as "real" to our generation.
If you ask me the unaltered picture is a whole lot more beautiful anyway.

Mind Your Heart

"Guard your heart

above all else

for it determines the course of your life."

-Proverbs 4:23

I opened my Bible this morning, and found this verse was my daily reading.

And then, it was in a book I read later. And in a quote on Pinterest I stumbled upon. And in a tweet by a friend. So mid-afternoon, I stopped and said - "Okay, Lord...I'm listening!" Actually, the topic of guarding my heart has been on my heart lately (redundant much?!) And I pulled out an old book which reminded,

"We must police our hearts with

faithful,

silent regularity."

And went on to tell a story that I'd like to share with you...

"An elderly, quiet forest dweller once lived high above an Austrian village along the eastern slopes of the Alps. Many years ago, the town council had hired this old gentleman as Keeper of the Spring to maintain the purity of the pools of water in the mountain crevices. The overflow from these pools ran down the mountainside and fed the lovely spring which flowed through the town. With faithful, silent regularity, the Keeper of the Spring patrolled the hills, removed the leaves and branches from the pools, and wiped away the silt that would otherwise choke and contaminate the fresh flow of water.

By and by, the village became a popular attraction for vacationers. Graceful swans floated along the crystal-clear spring, the mill wheels of various businesses located near the water turned day and night, farmlands were naturally irrigated, and the view from restaurants sparkled.

Years passed. One evening the town council met for its semiannual meeting. One evening the town council met for its budget, one man's eye caught the salary paid the obscure Keeper of the Spring. 'Who is this old man?' he asked indignantly. 'Why do we keep paying him year after year? No one ever sees him. For all we know, this man does us no good. He isn't necessary any longer!' By a unanimous vote, the council dispensed with the old man's services.

For several weeks, nothing changed. But by early autumn, the trees began to shed their leaves. Small branches snapped off and fell into the pools, hindering the rushing flow of sparkling water. One afternoon, someone noticed a slight yellow-ish brown tint in the spring. A few days later, the water had darkened even more. Within a week, a slimy film covered sections of the spring. The mill wheels moved slowly; some finally ground to a halt. Businesses located near the water closed. The swans migrated to fresher waters far away, and tourists no longer visited the town. Eventually, the clammy fingers of disease and sickness reached deeply into the village.

The shortsighted town council enjoyed the beauty of the spring but underestimated the importance of guarding its source. We can make the same mistake in our lives. Like the Keeper of the Spring who maintained the purity of the water, you and I are the Keepers of Our Hearts. We need to consistently evaluate the little things that contaminate us. As God reveals our wrong attitudes, longings, and desires, we must remove them from our hearts."

-by Joshua Harris, book here.

This story is such a reminder for me. Guarding what comes into our eyes and ears can seem meaningless. "What's wrong with watching this one music video?" or flipping through channels and stopping on that one funny show - it won't hurt just one time, right? Logging onto this website or watching that movie? But I am finding that all the things we put into our heart and mind, one by one, truly do change and alter how we think, act, and what we believe.

Sometimes, I find myself getting "lax" in what I watch, listen to, read. Slowly but surely, the things we watch and listen to can undermine what we truly believe. They allow little whispers into our once-steady minds that say, "It's okay just this once..." and "Don't be over the top..." and instead of remembering truth and what God says in the Bible, we are influenced in our thinking by what the culture says - the lies of the Enemy that ultimately will kill, steal, and destroy what God wants for us - His best.

As hard as it can sometimes be, I want to be more faithful in guarding what comes into my heart and mind. Being careful about what I watch, listen to, look at, and read. Forgetting what other people say is "okay" to watch, "fine" to listen to...and listen to what the Lord lays on my heart - what He convicts me of.

"May the words of my mouth

and the meditations of my heart

be pleasing in Your sight, O Lord."

-Psalm 19:14

Remember that...

 "God is greater than our hearts, and knows everything."

-1 John 3:20.

What a comfort to know, even when we fail and fall - He is greater and with mercy and grace, gives us the strength to guard our hearts and fill them with what pleases Him.

May this be our prayer:

"Teach my Your way, O Lord

and I will walk in Your truth.

Give me an undivided heart,

that I may fear Your name."

-Psalm 86:11

in everything you do...

mind your heart!

Resounding Faithfulness

Yesterday afternoon I spent some time reading through my journal and my blog from the end of last summer up until now. And it did take a solid chunk of time... But spelled out within those pages is quite the journey, let me tell you. In pouring over my struggles, triumphs, lamentations, joys and questions from the past year, I saw growth. I saw prayers answered. I saw God's faithfulness. A part of me wishes I could go through and give a follow-up post for all the things I wrote here that God responded to.
It would take me ages.
The most reoccurring question throughout the whole year was, "What is the matter with me?"
Cried out because i didn't feel valued or good enough or smart enough. But generally it was cried out in regards to me repeatedly not trusting completely in God's plan, which seems to have been, in no uncertain terms, my theme for the past year. My own naivety has been a source of almost constant amazement; I'm so small and insignificant and inadequate and unaware. Which I'm capable of spotting from three and a half miles away on my own, but when contrasted against the overwhelming majesty of God....... Yeah. I'm essentially nothing. And contrary to the general consensus of the American public, I've learned that this is, in fact, a wonderful thing.What an awesome god we serve.