Growing up I always saw big kids as the coolest people to walk the earth. They had phones and could watch PG-13 movies and drink soda. They could go places on their own and drive and buy anything they wanted with all that magical money that just appeared in their wallets. I always said "When im a teenager I'll have the coolest car and the nicest friends and It'll all be grand." When I was younger i never saw that being a big kid had downsides too. I didn't see the responsibilities and the homework and the job that actually provided that money. I never said "When Im older I'll feel helpless!"
But here I am a big kid. With the job and the phone and the friends and the freedom. And somehow It's not as grand as I said it would be. I mean dont get me wrong, I am SO incredibly blessed and life is so beautiful. It's just... more the complications. You see, sometimes big kids have issues with their health, and sometimes big kids have way too much school, and sometimes big kids are so overwhelmed with all their over commitments that they start to suffocate in their freedom.
As a big kid my life has just been spiraling. Like a spinning, spitting tornado twisting at 280 miles a minute (yes, stereotypical Kansan making a tornado reference). It's like this constant weight on my shoulders. A constant stress and worry over getting my homework done on time, keeping good grades, getting to work, keeping up with all my friends, eating healthy, keeping my promise with every single one of my over commitments. Im just so tired of it. Even though all of my commitments are good things that im doing for good reasons, i need to step back and evaluate what's really important. Because even though im a social person, I need alone time. I need time where I can step back and talk with God and think and look at everything going on in my life. Because It's so easy for me to just get caught up and keep going down a path that maybe I shouldn't be on in the first place. Even though I dont really have the time today, im blowing off some of my responsibilities and taking that time.
Im just sitting here contemplating my heart. Its funny how I say I want change in my heart, until it requires change in my life. I want change until I see that its's going to sting. I want to be that role model for my sisters and that honorable young woman that my parents can always be proud of, but I find that more often than not im all talk. I always have the right words and I make good decisions and im a kind person, but what it comes down to is it's not that I do those things because of Christ dying for me, it's because I've been raised with such a strong Conscience, and that gets me think about how little I do every day as a sacrifice for Christ. Every day I fall short. Every day I sin. And I acknowledge that sin in my life and I say I need to change, but saying it isn't enough. Saying that I need to change is nothing more than saying that I need that new pair of pants in that window display at the mall. The saddest part is that I probably will pursue those pants more than I will the change i need in my life. Those pretty words I spit out aren't pretty if they aren't real and true.
In Saint Augustine's book, Confessions, he prayed that the Lord would change him... but not yet!
I feel like that so accurately represents my heart. I want this change but im not willing to let the Lord change me. I ask for change in my life but not in my heart and then im confused when i have the same outcome. Like water on the sand, or grasping at the wind, I keep falling short.
I need to step back on my commitments to society, and step forward to the promise that I made to Jesus Christ when I was 8 years old. The promise to follow him and give him my very best every single day. Because as I've become this big kid, I've let my freedom get the best of me. Every time I put anything in my life above Christ, even if it was a good thing, it becomes an idol in my life. I struggle with the condition of my heart because even though Jesus showed me grace and died for me, I still continue to sin. And that's when I have to remind myself that it's grace because I dont deserve it. I continually fail God, yet he never stops giving me another chance. I want to change the world, but I've never worked to change myself, and it's about time I give the Lord complete control over my life.
Like water on the sand, or grasping at the wind, i keep on falling short. Lord please be my strength, 'cause i dont have any more. You are my strength; you and you alone keep bringing me back home.
