It's somewhat surreal

...that I'm sitting by a roaring campfire, looking at a sky full of stars, and I'm posting a blog by using my phone. I can't be the only one who thinks... Wow. That's crazy. I think we continue to take for granted the technological advances. Just like we take for granted the star-filled sky overhead. To say this sky is beautiful is an understatement. To say it is awe-inspiring is not enough. To say it is mesmerizing is true but not close to accurate. 

Your love, O Lord, reaches to the heavens. Your faithfulness to the skies. (Psalm 36:5)

For as amazing and big and vast and awe-inspiring and mesmerizing and beautiful this sky is... God's love is bigger. And just when I think I can focus on how big it is, God's love is bigger still. And then you think of 1 Corinthians 13 that says Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast. It is not proud. It is not rude or self-seeking. It is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. It always trusts, always protects, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. 

Then... I think about it again but every time I say the word Love or It, I put in God's name... Or Jesus' Name... And then I stare up at this big ol' sky and go ... Wow! Thanks God for loving me this much. Thanks for loving me regardless, in spite of my faults, through good times and bad...and so on.
Maybe you can go take a peak outside tonight or tomorrow night and catch a glimpse of how big the sky is...and how big His love for you is... It's a lil surreal...

I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings

"The free bird leaps
on the back of the win
and floats downstream
till the current ends
and dips his wings
in the orange sun rays
and dares to claim the sky.

But a bird that stalks
down his narrow cage
can seldom see through
his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and
his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings
with fearful trill
of the things unknown
but longed for still
and is tune is heard
on the distant hillfor the caged bird
sings of freedom

The free bird thinks of another breeze
an the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn
and he names the sky his own.

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing

The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom."

Let him love you as you are

A raw, genuine prayer from a prostitute who is simply herself before Jesus, swearwords and all, ministers more to the heart of the Father than all of the rote, religious lip-service coming forth from the mouth of many Christians today.
Your Dad doesn’t want you to pretend or try to be someone else when you talk to Him.
Let Him love you as you are, with all your fears, your insecurities, your worries, and personal shortcomings.
It is not your job to clean yourself up.
The Father’s desire is to lovingly remind you how clean His sacrifice has already made you and help you walk in that reality more and more every day.

Just Like That.

Let me tell you a story about this girl i know.
She had friends. Tons of them.
Everyone knew her name, they knew her interests they knew her stories,
and her jokes, and some of them even knew her secrets.
She was known for her smile.
She was a mediator, a dreamer, and known for her sweet attitude.
She was loved, but no one saw what was underneath. None of them saw that that smile was often faked, that that pain was often masked, that underneath that armor of new clothes and laughter was an insecure, jealous, needy, emotional monster.
She went through her days trying not to hurt anyone--physically or verbally--but she also went through her days carrying her heavy armor around, covering herself up from the world, trying not to reveal anything that would make her appear weak or wrong or that anyone could use against her.
That armor wore her down. Carrying twice her weight, she grew slower and weaker.
She wasnt acheiving anything anymore.
She wasnt motivated, she didnt even have a goal anymore.
She had lost all sense of direction and she didnt even have the energy to think about where she was going.
She'd rather just wander aimlessly through the woods, through the thorns, tripping over treestumps and rocks and branches, simply breaking herself down more. Wandering with lack of food and water, she quickly grew thirsty. She searched and searched for water to quench that thirst. She grew so thirsty that she would settle for anything to drink, even a dirty, mossy pond full of unclear water that would simply make her sick.

This girl? Me.

I wear this armor. All the time i wear this armor that covers up all my flaws, but the armor is getting heavier and heavier and i just cant carry it anymore.
I grew so thirsty. So thirsty for love and attention and acceptance that id settle for just about anything to quench that thirst. Now dont get me wrong, i have love and attention and acceptance. I know that and im so thankful for that. I have loving family and friends in my life and i couldnt ask for anything more from them. But this need was bigger than that. This need was crushing me from the insides out.
I felt my heart caving in and then all the rest of me crumbling to pieces.
The thirst could not be filled no matter how much love and acceptance and attention i received. That thirst might have been partially quenched for a short period of time, but it wasnt fulfillment that lasted.
Each time the search to fulfill that thirst grew stronger and bigger and little sips werent enough to quench it anymore, so i walked out deeper and deeper into the pond by day, but suprisingly enough that quenched me less and less than the simple sips. So i did what any other logical person would have done; I lied to myself. 
I told myself i was happy, that i wasnt thirsty, and figured that if i said it long enough i just might start to believe it, But that didnt work either.
I started going deeper; but that didnt work either, that just broke me more inside. I lied to myself and i lied to everyone who loved me.
Anyways, that thirst came back again, so i plunged into that pond, head first, armor and all, But this time something different happened; I started to sink.
This time i couldnt hold myself up. I couldnt hold myself above water.
That armor pulled me down and pulled me under, I gasped for air. I couldnt keep my breath.
As i was about to give up i opened my eyes and saw a hand reaching for mine.
I grasped on and now theres no way i could ever let go.
He saved me.
Jesus saved me.

Im still unsure, on occasion i still fake smiles, i still mask pain.. thats just who i am. I dont trust myself, but i almost feel thats more of a blessing, because if i did i wouldnt ever rely on God, would i? I have enough of a problem with that as it is.

I was drowning in my own lies.
Drowning in my own insecurites.
Drowning in my own pain and fears.

Until one day when i finally acknowledged him reaching out his hand for me. I just decided that day that i didnt want to live that way anymore, and so i changed... Just like that.

Jesus saved me.

Awe is why i grab the pen and beauty is why i scratch it down and all his lighting glory is why i muzzle the voices that say i cant or shouldnt or mustnt because he is my blaze and he is my burn and i cannot be muzzled because what can keep me from telling once the eyes have seen?

Recurrent, but tangible.

I've talked about this deep, burning desire within me to create...
to love people and enjoy fellowship and just take in creation's echo of majesty.
But I'm bogged down. By school and sickness and work and the ever-present feeling of having to catch up with myself. It's suffocating; it's killing me, slowly; every day I don't touch my bible, sing, go on a bike ride, bake brownies, take a picture, feel the sun on my face or consider the enormity of my creator, a piece of me wastes away.
So tonight, at about 6:53, I was limping home thinking about what I should eat for supper and all the homework I had yet to do.... and it was as though someone whispered in my ear,
"This isn't what you need right now."
I thought the appropriate response would be: 'Yes; thank you, small voice in my head.. That's very astute of you.'
But the more I lingered on the idea, the more it grew in complexity-- and specificity-- until I arrived at,
"This isn't what you were created for. You're choosing to break yourself apart for no tangible reason. Who is it helping? What are your motives? THIS ISN'T WHAT YOU WERE CREATED FOR."
My God is a jealous god... I love that about Him. He wants me--- all of me. Not on sunday mornings; not when I find a spare moment.... Undivided attention. And it's easy to tell when God wants something. I try to walk the wrong direction and everything blows up in my face..
I'm falling behind on my mass of homework.
I'm tired all the time.
I'm sick.
And today I realized how selfish my motivations are for keeping pointless things first.
.........sakdjfhilawerkjbgklasfd.

Technology ruins lives.

I'm sitting in the library,
trying to work on an essay

but getting distracted by the guy sitting next to me. 

I'm pretty sure he's a pedophile. 

I'm sitting in a cushy armchair, 

munching on dry cereal and wishing I had headphones so I could listen to music. 

I'm sitting by a window, watching and contemplating God's sovereignty. 

I'm sitting near a guy and a girl who are in a relationship, 

a couple that has been there for an hour 

and barely spoken 10 words to each other.

They walked in together.
They found a pair of chairs.
They each pulled out their fancy shmancy smart phones 

and never looked back.
Do you s'pose they're in love? 

Do you s'pose they think they are?
I mean, I know I don't know them...
But...
That can't be what it's s'posed to look like.

Life Sneaks Up.

I remember when I was a youngin'.

I thought high school kids were SO cool.

They were so... adulty.

Independent. Confident. Awesome.

It was like, "Mannnn, I can't wait until I'm that old!"

Welp...

Here I am.

And some days I have to remind myself that I am, in fact, this old.

It's those days — the days when real life sneaks up, whops me on the back of the head and proceeds to run away, giggling — that I ask,

"EY! When did YOU get here?!"

Ridiculous, really — I've spent so much time in the last few years sitting around, praying and asking God for things. Telling Him I'm ready for this and that; ready to be used by Him and ready for real life to begin. As though I knew better than He what I was and was not ready for; as though 'real life' was something I hadn't yet entered.....

He waited patiently for the day that I finally realized I wasn't in control; the day when I willingly handed over the reins to the One who actually knows what the destination is. It was on this day that I realized that I was far better off trusting in the Author of the universe with my story than trying to feebly construct something of beauty on my own— and oh, what a day it was.

(a Tuesday, I think...)

Up next was the period in my life where I asked God what the plan was. I had acknowledged my lack-of-control-ness; I was now ready for whatever He had in store. The mildly satirical summation of my mindset was as follows:

"Hey, God. I have no control over anything; You've completely got it covered. You're awesome and powerful and loving and in control and all that stuff. Mmm."

*thoughtful pause*

"So. Since I fully trust you now and everything— where exactly are we going?"

I've grown to love it.

I've also grown from it; I've seen my stumbling faithlessness and realized it takes more than that to truly hand my life over to my Creator.

And some days I feel peace about leaving my life in God's hands. Some days I worry about the future and where I'm headed. Some days I feel ready to take on the world and I wish He'd hurry up and let me in on the agenda. Some days I feel entirely inadequate for the tasks at hand.

Each and every day I feel blessed to have my life in His hands.

My God is a god who guides.

My God is a god who is in control.

My God is a god who has a perfect plan.

My God is a god who gives me everything I need.

My God is a god who knows the right timing for everything.

My God is a god who loves me despite my constant second-guessing.

My God is a god who is way more patient with me than I would be with myself.

...Thank God.