God, I will...

Every day I see this, and every day God renews my strength. Missing CHIC more than I ever imagined possible.

Extending Love

  It was one of those days. One of those days where everything seems to go wrong. From the moment my feet hit the floor that morning and I realized I'd missed my alarm clock and slept late, the day just felt off. I'd like to say I'm always put together, on time, and poised....but that's just not true. In all honesty, the words "frenzy" and "running a hundred miles an hour with my hair on fire" are more accurate at times. And honestly, as the day went on, I was not feeling that great about life...or myself. Earlier that morning, I found time to put on a little eyeliner, throw on a wrinkled shirt and my comfiest pair of blue jeans, and let my hair air dry on it's own (never the best choice.) As the day wore on, I became more and more discouraged with life. I promised to always be honest with you guys on this blog, and so that means I'm not one of those bloggers - you know the ones - who have the perfect outfit on at all times, complete with red lipstick, a Chanel bag, and Tiffany's earrings - the ideal life, and (somehow) a bank account that always comfortably allows for fancy dinners, shopping sprees, and many weekly exotic outings. I'm just a girl who deals with daily life stuff. Who looks for the good and tries to make the most of every situation. Who is totally open about her flaws.

  But by mid-afternoon that day, due to a combination of having a lot on my mind, being weary, and fighting discouragement, I had to do something. And when push comes to shove, what's a girl to do? I went to get some coffee from the school coffee shop. Coffee will always helps one's state of mind.

  I walked up to the coffee machine and punched the button for my favorite french vanilla cappuccino. And as I fumbled through my backpack, brushing back a stray strand of unruly hair from my face and sighing, the girl who walked up behind me smiled kindly at me. And then she said, "You always look so cute! You just have the prettiest hair and I love your style. I always think you look just so pretty." I was frozen as I found my 50 cents at the bottom of my bag. Tears threatened to flow, and all I could do was quietly stand there and say, "Thank you...you dont know how much i needed to hear that today."

  It was just a short sentence. A few seconds of conversation. A quick exchange. But you know what? It changed my entire day. I'm not just saying that, either. I walked outta there feeling like a new girl (and it wasn't because of the coffee, although that has been known to happen.) Uplifted and encouraged - just because someone took the time to speak a few kind words to me. That sweet girl could have just waited her turn, checked her phone, said nothing at all. But she didn't. She took the time to say something nice to me and she changed my day.

  And it got me thinking, the rest of the week, about the power of words. The sheer power one human being has over another just by speaking words. It's incredible, really. And as I thought about it, I began to think of moments and times in my life when words were spoken to me - words I will never, ever forget. Words are powerful. Words are life-giving, like I experienced at school that day. But words can also hurt and sting, words can stay with you for a lifetime. And they can even shape and define the very people we become. When spoken, words cannot be taken back. If hurtful, they can be forgiven. But usually, they are never forgotten. I began to think about words in my life - defining moments when words were spoken that I will never forget.

"The tongue has the power of life and death."

Proverbs 18:21

Words have power. God spoke the world into existence, just using words alone. Words have meaning.

"And God said, 'Let there be light.' And there was light."

Genesis 1:3

  There are times in the past when people - even friends very close to me - didn't understand me, didn't take time to use their words to ask me what was going on in my heart, didn't take time to use their words to find out why I acted a certain way, why I made certain choices. Instead, words were used to tear me down - to judge, to gossip, to shame. It taught me a very painful lesson - to not only use words to encourage others, but also use words to get to know their hearts. To not judge just by outward appearances, choices, or even attitudes - but to dig deeper and talk - to sit down with someone you don't understand, someone you're even hurt by - and lovingly, graciously put aside judgement and really ask them to use their words to share their heart. In times I've chosen to do that rather than lash out in judgement, slander or gossip with my words - I've often found there's more to the story, more to a person's heart and actions than just what is seen. If people in my life in the past had taken the time to know my heart, a lot of hurt could've been spared.
I know I've been the one who's hurt others at times. I know I've hurt others by careless words. And I wish I could take them back. Realizing the power of words as I get older and have moments when words uplift like that sweet girl's did, I am driven to be more careful - more thoughtful about my words. I want to use the power my words have to give life, hope, love, and encouragement to the people I meet.

  So, at the end of last week - I found myself on the other side of the "coffee situation." And I had a choice to make - a choice to hold my words of encouragement in or use them to build someone else up. A weary girl  numbly fumbled for a cup, and I took the opportunity - I knew it was there - because I knew that look on her face. The same look I wore just days before as I stood in the exact same part. I seized the moment, "You have the prettiest smile," I said - "And I love your headband." She lit up. And she smiled so wide, she laughed. Her whole demeanor changed, the next minute I spent across from her she smiled and said, "Thank you...thank you." And it reminded me of someone else I know....just days before.

  That, is what extending love looks like - not only did my encourager earlier in the week speak life to me, but the very act of encouraging me inspired me to lift up someone else!

  Words bring life or death. They can uplift or drag down. And they live long past the moment they are spoken - they live forever in the mind and heart of the one spoken to...and they can even inspire one to do good.

  Let's use our words in a purposeful way this week - to uplift, bring life, encourage, and inspire. You never know where a little word will take somebody. It could be the one they remember the rest of their life. And that, sweet friend - means something.

Lord Change Me... But Not Yet.

Growing up I always saw big kids as the coolest people to walk the earth. They had phones and could watch PG-13 movies and drink soda. They could go places on their own and drive and buy anything they wanted with all that magical money that just appeared in their wallets. I always said "When im a teenager I'll have the coolest car and the nicest friends and It'll all be grand." When I was younger i never saw that being a big kid had downsides too. I didn't see the responsibilities and the homework and the job that actually provided that money. I never said "When Im older I'll feel helpless!"

But here I am a big kid. With the job and the phone and the friends and the freedom. And somehow It's not as grand as I said it would be. I mean dont get me wrong, I am SO incredibly blessed and life is so beautiful. It's just... more the complications. You see, sometimes big kids have issues with their health, and sometimes big kids have way too much school, and sometimes big kids are so overwhelmed with all their over commitments that they start to suffocate in their freedom.

As a big kid my life has just been spiraling. Like a spinning, spitting tornado twisting at 280 miles a minute (yes, stereotypical Kansan making a tornado reference). It's like this constant weight on my shoulders. A constant stress and worry over getting my homework done on time, keeping good grades, getting to work, keeping up with all my friends, eating healthy, keeping my promise with every single one of my over commitments. Im just so tired of it. Even though all of my commitments are good things that im doing for good reasons, i need to step back and evaluate what's really important. Because even though im a social person, I need alone time. I need time where I can step back and talk with God and think and look at everything going on in my life. Because It's so easy for me to just get caught up and keep going  down a path that maybe I shouldn't be on in the first place. Even though I dont really have the time today, im blowing off some of my responsibilities and taking that time.

Im just sitting here contemplating my heart. Its funny how I say I want change in my heart, until it requires change in my life. I want change until I see that its's going to sting. I want to be that role model for my sisters and that honorable young woman that my parents can always be proud of, but I find that more often than not im all talk. I always have the right words and I make good decisions and im a kind person, but what it comes down to is it's not that I do those things because of Christ dying for me, it's because I've been raised with such a strong Conscience, and that gets me think about how little I do every day as a sacrifice for Christ. Every day I fall short. Every day I sin. And I acknowledge that sin in my life and I say I need to change, but saying it isn't enough. Saying that I need to change is nothing more than saying that I need that new pair of pants in that window display at the mall. The saddest part is that I probably will pursue those pants more than I will the change i need in my life. Those pretty words I spit out aren't pretty if they aren't real and true.

In Saint Augustine's book, Confessions, he prayed that the Lord would change him... but not yet!
I feel like that so accurately represents my heart. I want this change but im not willing to let the Lord change me. I ask for change in my life but not in my heart and then im confused when i have the same outcome. Like water on the sand, or grasping at the wind, I keep falling short.

I need to step back on my commitments to society, and step forward to the promise that I made to Jesus Christ when I was 8 years old. The promise to follow him and give him my very best every single day. Because as I've become this big kid, I've let my freedom get the best of me. Every time I put anything in my life above Christ, even if it was a good thing, it becomes an idol in my life. I struggle with the condition of my heart because even though Jesus showed me grace and died for me, I still continue to sin. And that's when I have to remind myself that it's grace because I dont deserve it. I continually fail God, yet he never stops giving me another chance. I want to change the world, but I've never worked to change myself, and it's about time I give the Lord complete control over my life.

Like water on the sand, or grasping at the wind, i keep on falling short. Lord please be my strength, 'cause i dont have any more. You are my strength; you and you alone keep bringing me back home.

He Always Takes Me Back

Failure.
The word that comes to mind when i think of my dedication to the Lord.
Wreck.
The word that comes to mind when i think about my life, every time i lose my dedication.
Entitled.
How the world has taught me to see myself.

Over and over and over again i fail the one who died for me.
Over and over and over again i get into these power struggles with the one who created me. 
Over and over and over again i see myself as most important and see every blessing in my life as deserved.
I hate myself for it, but somehow God loves me just the same. I really cant grasp it, because if i were him id be so sick of me... But somehow he sticks with me and gives little feeble broken me chance after chance. He gives me hope. Its crazy, having a God who always takes me back, no matter what ive done. Hallelujah, Praise him!

Side Effects

the first lie i
told was that i
was fine and
then it was just
a dot on my
windshield, i
could keep that one
straight, always;

the latest lie
is that i am
completely moved on
from someone i met in
the sun;

no one ever told me
that lying leaves
a sugary taste in your
mouth and reminds
you what you’ve done

no one ever said that
lying is an old friend that
you see again and
wish desperately to
approach but can’t
because of the crowd;

no one ever mentioned
that lying is like smiling
for the first time;

no one said
i’d fall half in love
with it

Forgiveness.

Its something I've always struggled with. Not forgiving others, because I've never had a problem with that, people have actually told me that i forgive a little too easily... if that's possible, But when i talk about having trouble with forgiveness, im talking about accepting forgiveness. I guess that can be a good thing, because it makes me always strive to fix what i do wrong, and makes me strive to make good decisions and not to disappoint my family and my friends and most importantly God. But it also has another side to it.
I cannot accept that God forgives me.
I cant look at everything ive done wrong in life and see God take it from me.
I cant accept that someone so perfect would look at my sin and tell me not to worry,
and that he loves me,
and that he forgives me for my mistakes.
And so I beat up on myself. I cry because when I listen to myself, I hear: I'll never be good enough. I'll never be satisfied with myself. I'll never consider myself to be valuable to my creator. And then I realize that my thinking is completely backwards. And that in my self-loathing, I'm defiling something that God created to be pure and beautiful and holy. Not my actions, which are sinful-- that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about me. Because my sin HAS been washed away. I'm talking about the reality that I'm justified in the eyes of my creator. He looks at my filth and sees Jesus' blood and it's finished. I know that.

So i guess me having trouble feeling forgiven, and not accepting my fathers gift, is my pride at work, me wanting to earn my salvation. And in my prideful self relying search of salvation, im losing sight of the father, and putting myself on a pedestal, trying to make myself my savior.

Its funny. How pride and self-loathing are my two biggest problems. How i can put myself up on this pedestal one moment, trying to save myself, thinking that i can do all things on my own and i can do them better than the Lord could do them... And then continue to treat myself like garbage, somehow warping truth & thinking I need to be punished for the crappy stuff I've done-- for my continual failures and shortcomings. Thinking that I need to suffer for my wrongs, as though they require more payment... As though Jesus' death was somehow insufficient.

I cry because I can't bring myself to accept His grace. Not that I don't think it's adequate.. I know it's more than enough. The insufficiency I'm overwhelmed with is my own. I don't feel like I'm worthy of anything, let alone perfect love. I just have to remind myself... The point of grace is that I don't deserve it. Because when I'm utterly incapable on my own, that's when God get's all the credit. And my self-worth should reflect the fact that I'm a part of God's kingdom. The point of everything is for God to receive the most glory. And that isn't achieved by me punishing myself, it's achieved by complete humility, gratitude, submission and praise.

Mind Your Heart

"Guard your heart

above all else

for it determines the course of your life."

-Proverbs 4:23

I opened my Bible this morning, and found this verse was my daily reading.

And then, it was in a book I read later. And in a quote on Pinterest I stumbled upon. And in a tweet by a friend. So mid-afternoon, I stopped and said - "Okay, Lord...I'm listening!" Actually, the topic of guarding my heart has been on my heart lately (redundant much?!) And I pulled out an old book which reminded,

"We must police our hearts with

faithful,

silent regularity."

And went on to tell a story that I'd like to share with you...

"An elderly, quiet forest dweller once lived high above an Austrian village along the eastern slopes of the Alps. Many years ago, the town council had hired this old gentleman as Keeper of the Spring to maintain the purity of the pools of water in the mountain crevices. The overflow from these pools ran down the mountainside and fed the lovely spring which flowed through the town. With faithful, silent regularity, the Keeper of the Spring patrolled the hills, removed the leaves and branches from the pools, and wiped away the silt that would otherwise choke and contaminate the fresh flow of water.

By and by, the village became a popular attraction for vacationers. Graceful swans floated along the crystal-clear spring, the mill wheels of various businesses located near the water turned day and night, farmlands were naturally irrigated, and the view from restaurants sparkled.

Years passed. One evening the town council met for its semiannual meeting. One evening the town council met for its budget, one man's eye caught the salary paid the obscure Keeper of the Spring. 'Who is this old man?' he asked indignantly. 'Why do we keep paying him year after year? No one ever sees him. For all we know, this man does us no good. He isn't necessary any longer!' By a unanimous vote, the council dispensed with the old man's services.

For several weeks, nothing changed. But by early autumn, the trees began to shed their leaves. Small branches snapped off and fell into the pools, hindering the rushing flow of sparkling water. One afternoon, someone noticed a slight yellow-ish brown tint in the spring. A few days later, the water had darkened even more. Within a week, a slimy film covered sections of the spring. The mill wheels moved slowly; some finally ground to a halt. Businesses located near the water closed. The swans migrated to fresher waters far away, and tourists no longer visited the town. Eventually, the clammy fingers of disease and sickness reached deeply into the village.

The shortsighted town council enjoyed the beauty of the spring but underestimated the importance of guarding its source. We can make the same mistake in our lives. Like the Keeper of the Spring who maintained the purity of the water, you and I are the Keepers of Our Hearts. We need to consistently evaluate the little things that contaminate us. As God reveals our wrong attitudes, longings, and desires, we must remove them from our hearts."

-by Joshua Harris, book here.

This story is such a reminder for me. Guarding what comes into our eyes and ears can seem meaningless. "What's wrong with watching this one music video?" or flipping through channels and stopping on that one funny show - it won't hurt just one time, right? Logging onto this website or watching that movie? But I am finding that all the things we put into our heart and mind, one by one, truly do change and alter how we think, act, and what we believe.

Sometimes, I find myself getting "lax" in what I watch, listen to, read. Slowly but surely, the things we watch and listen to can undermine what we truly believe. They allow little whispers into our once-steady minds that say, "It's okay just this once..." and "Don't be over the top..." and instead of remembering truth and what God says in the Bible, we are influenced in our thinking by what the culture says - the lies of the Enemy that ultimately will kill, steal, and destroy what God wants for us - His best.

As hard as it can sometimes be, I want to be more faithful in guarding what comes into my heart and mind. Being careful about what I watch, listen to, look at, and read. Forgetting what other people say is "okay" to watch, "fine" to listen to...and listen to what the Lord lays on my heart - what He convicts me of.

"May the words of my mouth

and the meditations of my heart

be pleasing in Your sight, O Lord."

-Psalm 19:14

Remember that...

 "God is greater than our hearts, and knows everything."

-1 John 3:20.

What a comfort to know, even when we fail and fall - He is greater and with mercy and grace, gives us the strength to guard our hearts and fill them with what pleases Him.

May this be our prayer:

"Teach my Your way, O Lord

and I will walk in Your truth.

Give me an undivided heart,

that I may fear Your name."

-Psalm 86:11

in everything you do...

mind your heart!

Resounding Faithfulness

Yesterday afternoon I spent some time reading through my journal and my blog from the end of last summer up until now. And it did take a solid chunk of time... But spelled out within those pages is quite the journey, let me tell you. In pouring over my struggles, triumphs, lamentations, joys and questions from the past year, I saw growth. I saw prayers answered. I saw God's faithfulness. A part of me wishes I could go through and give a follow-up post for all the things I wrote here that God responded to.
It would take me ages.
The most reoccurring question throughout the whole year was, "What is the matter with me?"
Cried out because i didn't feel valued or good enough or smart enough. But generally it was cried out in regards to me repeatedly not trusting completely in God's plan, which seems to have been, in no uncertain terms, my theme for the past year. My own naivety has been a source of almost constant amazement; I'm so small and insignificant and inadequate and unaware. Which I'm capable of spotting from three and a half miles away on my own, but when contrasted against the overwhelming majesty of God....... Yeah. I'm essentially nothing. And contrary to the general consensus of the American public, I've learned that this is, in fact, a wonderful thing.What an awesome god we serve.

How Fickle My Heart; How Faithful His

I say I know God's plan. I say I'm ready, ready for my life to begin.
When did I start thinking my life hadn't already begun?
I've been wasting away in this stagnancy, thinking that some event or another will mark the start of it all. How have I been content in that? How can I sit and wait on another person to... to what? Make me feel more complete? Make me feel valued? Secure? What evidence has anyone ever seen of the things of this earth offering true satisfaction, true comfort, true peace? It's funny, really. I get into power struggles with the one who created me--- and I consistently lose. But the more I surrender to God, the more He breaks down the things I try to find security in. And the more He takes my comfort blankets away, the more I realize that He is enough. HE'S ENOUGH. What in the world is the matter with me that I can't just abide in that?
I'm becoming increasingly aware of my own insufficiency; it's SO evident to me. I live for the moments when I realize my weakness is His strength. I just want to soak that up... I really do. I long for the ability to recklessly abandon everything. But again and again, in my idiotic unfaithfulness, I try to take control of my life. Struggles consume me and I finally give them over to God, but I still won't let Him have my future.
He's the Author of the Universe. What's wrong with me?
I found this note stuck in my bible, a prayer I wrote down last summer. It was pretty long, but this particular piece caught me:

I want so badly to know what's in store for me, but I know that if you showed me a glimpse of the future, all I would do is become impatient with your timing: and your timing is perfect. Lord, allow me to be content with waiting, with trusting and not knowing what's around the corner. Give me peace; quiet my heart.

It hasn't lost any truth.

Express Yourself

Im always finding new ways to express myself.

This whole school year ive been journaling and writing, but i started wanting it to have a visual aspect as well, something more than just words on a paper.. and so i started this. This is my newest addition to my journal, tonights expression. Pastels and old music sheets. As i continue on this new idea and aspect of writing, i plan on posting and sharing them here, id love to hear your feedback! 

Thanks for being such dedicated followers!

xoxo,

Anna

Use It.

This whole blog thing, I think it's good for me.
It's Vick's VapoRub for my soul, or something.

Okay, maybe not the best metaphor. Whatever, I'm trying to mull through a few ideas right now and string them together in the process. Forcing myself to write out my honest thoughts for others to see has been really hard for me. Which is odd, cause I'm incredibly vocal about my opinions 98.3% of the time. But it's these ideas-- and I now realize this is what Stephen King was talking about--- it's these complex issues I'm struggling with that get at the heart of me; the destitute truths buried down deep somewhere I'd rather not have exposed to sunlight... That's the stuff that people need to see, and it's also the stuff that's hardest to let people see.

It's much more comfortable for me to hide behind this facade of carefree lunacy and sarcasm, never taking anything seriously and bursting into laughter when anyone takes me seriously.. I promise that's genuinely a part of who I am, and both my creator and my brother have had profound influences on that part of me developing. But it nags at me sometimes, that some people only see that side of me. And there are weird quirks to my personality that I do need to mold; there are moments, quite frequently, when I, like every other sinful human being (which is all of us by the way), realize that I'm not being an accurate representation of my savior. Not even close. And it breaks my heart, little by little, until I feel that I shouldn't have this gift I didn't deserve in the first place-- Why didn't Jesus pick someone better suited to shed his light on an unbelieving world?

I was sitting in a doctor's office the other day, waiting for my name to be called and waiting to get more blood work run, and I overheard a woman talking with the receptionist about an elderly man they both knew. It was the woman's grandfather, and the receptionist had met him a few days before. And the way they described this man, the way he treated everyone around him... He would see someone looking a little down and, no matter where they were or who it was, he would take their hands and pray for them right there. His gift of kindness and gentle wisdom and a joyful spirit... I could close my eyes and picture his wrinkled, friendly smile just pouring out Jesus' love. They both spoke with such conviction about what an astonishingly godly man he was, the legacy his actions shouted from the rooftops.

I have these gifts, these seemingly random, sometimes frustrating gifts that my gracious Savior has blessed me with, that I occasionally shove to the back corner because I'm afraid to do what He created me for. I seem like the type of person who would love getting up on stage and performing... False.

I cry.

I cry just attempting to type how it makes me feel. Inadequate is the word the tempter is screaming at my subconscious.

When it comes to my gifts, I have an insatiable lust for perfection, recognition from others, satisfaction with myself... And it's crippling. It shouldn't be a hard way to bless others. Music. Art. Written works. It seems basic enough... But I am inherently either petrified of something not being good enough-- me not being good enough-- or, if by some miracle I'm satisfied with whatever it is that I'm doing, I completely soak up the glory and approval of those around me like a glass of ice water on a kansas summer's day, when the heat index is like 117 and it hasn't rained in two weeks. I cannot find balance. I cannot find balance on my own.

Cowardice and pride, two things that, for me, appear to be two conflicting feelings, are my two greatest sins. And it happens when I haven't centered everything I do around Christ.

I'm going to paint a picture today, and I'm going to paint it for my Savior, to bless and uplift those around me. I'm not going to punish and berate myself when it isn't perfect, and I'm going to rebound any praise I get right back at my Lord and Master, the Creator who is ultimately responsible for every single piece of fruit the labor of my tiny, uncoordinated hands that He has graciously given me produce. Thank God for my ability to even hold a paint brush. To even have a voice. To be able to convey my ideas. Nothing I do comes from me. NOTHING I DO COMES FROM ME. I am NOTHING. This life is NOT a story about me. I am a wave in the ocean. I am a speck of dust in the wind. I will be gone in the blink of an eye-- but with a shred of help from my Master, maybe my sinfully proud, feeble self can leave a glimpse of a legacy that glorifies Him, that points straight to the cross and undeniably cries out that Jesus rose; because that is the greatest and most noble thing I, or anyone, could possibly accomplish in this life.

Also, who am I kidding? Vick's VapoRub is SUCH an accurate metaphor.

Just Like That.

Let me tell you a story about this girl i know.
She had friends. Tons of them.
Everyone knew her name, they knew her interests they knew her stories,
and her jokes, and some of them even knew her secrets.
She was known for her smile.
She was a mediator, a dreamer, and known for her sweet attitude.
She was loved, but no one saw what was underneath. None of them saw that that smile was often faked, that that pain was often masked, that underneath that armor of new clothes and laughter was an insecure, jealous, needy, emotional monster.
She went through her days trying not to hurt anyone--physically or verbally--but she also went through her days carrying her heavy armor around, covering herself up from the world, trying not to reveal anything that would make her appear weak or wrong or that anyone could use against her.
That armor wore her down. Carrying twice her weight, she grew slower and weaker.
She wasnt acheiving anything anymore.
She wasnt motivated, she didnt even have a goal anymore.
She had lost all sense of direction and she didnt even have the energy to think about where she was going.
She'd rather just wander aimlessly through the woods, through the thorns, tripping over treestumps and rocks and branches, simply breaking herself down more. Wandering with lack of food and water, she quickly grew thirsty. She searched and searched for water to quench that thirst. She grew so thirsty that she would settle for anything to drink, even a dirty, mossy pond full of unclear water that would simply make her sick.

This girl? Me.

I wear this armor. All the time i wear this armor that covers up all my flaws, but the armor is getting heavier and heavier and i just cant carry it anymore.
I grew so thirsty. So thirsty for love and attention and acceptance that id settle for just about anything to quench that thirst. Now dont get me wrong, i have love and attention and acceptance. I know that and im so thankful for that. I have loving family and friends in my life and i couldnt ask for anything more from them. But this need was bigger than that. This need was crushing me from the insides out.
I felt my heart caving in and then all the rest of me crumbling to pieces.
The thirst could not be filled no matter how much love and acceptance and attention i received. That thirst might have been partially quenched for a short period of time, but it wasnt fulfillment that lasted.
Each time the search to fulfill that thirst grew stronger and bigger and little sips werent enough to quench it anymore, so i walked out deeper and deeper into the pond by day, but suprisingly enough that quenched me less and less than the simple sips. So i did what any other logical person would have done; I lied to myself. 
I told myself i was happy, that i wasnt thirsty, and figured that if i said it long enough i just might start to believe it, But that didnt work either.
I started going deeper; but that didnt work either, that just broke me more inside. I lied to myself and i lied to everyone who loved me.
Anyways, that thirst came back again, so i plunged into that pond, head first, armor and all, But this time something different happened; I started to sink.
This time i couldnt hold myself up. I couldnt hold myself above water.
That armor pulled me down and pulled me under, I gasped for air. I couldnt keep my breath.
As i was about to give up i opened my eyes and saw a hand reaching for mine.
I grasped on and now theres no way i could ever let go.
He saved me.
Jesus saved me.

Im still unsure, on occasion i still fake smiles, i still mask pain.. thats just who i am. I dont trust myself, but i almost feel thats more of a blessing, because if i did i wouldnt ever rely on God, would i? I have enough of a problem with that as it is.

I was drowning in my own lies.
Drowning in my own insecurites.
Drowning in my own pain and fears.

Until one day when i finally acknowledged him reaching out his hand for me. I just decided that day that i didnt want to live that way anymore, and so i changed... Just like that.

Jesus saved me.

Awe is why i grab the pen and beauty is why i scratch it down and all his lighting glory is why i muzzle the voices that say i cant or shouldnt or mustnt because he is my blaze and he is my burn and i cannot be muzzled because what can keep me from telling once the eyes have seen?

Define Beauty

Almost crumbling to the ground, she stopped. Looking at how far she had traveled and all it had taken to get there, she recognized her strength.  The strengths she had inside of her,  the strengths she had gained along the way- her inner power. And so she stood up; standing tall, she faced forward and continued on.

Highschool changes people. Some for the worse, some for the better. Lucky for me, I changed for the better, all because I hit rock bottom, and boy am I glad I did. Before that bottoming out, everything had to be "perfect." I expected more from myself than was possible. I held myself to an impossible standard, and that standard got higher and higher. But even higher than my standard was society's standard... It was scary,  intimidating. A 13 year old girl facing society's standards. Society tells us as girls that we have to be perfect, that we have to look like celebrities, that we need to be thinner, and that pores don't exist.

We see models that weigh 80 pounds, yet they're still edited to be thinner. WE CANNOT GET ANY THINNER THAN THAT.  Girls, Anorexia  and bulimia are normal things in our generation, and that breaks my heart... But it also hits close to home. I, personally, have experienced it first hand. We see women that are so photoshopped that they don't even look like themselves anymore, and something inside us makes us strive to be like them... When really WHY WOULD WE WANT TO BE? Since when is starving to death beauty?

Society tells us we need to be perfect, but then shows us there's no way we'll ever be.. Even celebrities aren't good enough. They have to be edited and thinned, even after spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on their faces and starving themselves.

Society disappoints me. It tells 13 year old girls that they need makeup, and boys, and they need to be perfect for people to like them. But something I've never understood is what's so great about being perfect? Whats so interesting and intriguing about looking just right? I think part of it is that we all live and die through everyone else's eyes. We seek acceptance, and love, and we somehow think that perfection is a way to get both of those.

I started wearing makeup at age twelve. TWELVE, PEOPLE. Society told me that I needed it. I fought to be perfect on the outside, and through that battle my inside became ugly. I swapped my internal beauty for external... And external never grew as much as my internal beauty ever was. I wore that makeup to be beautiful.

But ladies, i have a NEWSFLASH for you: Your makeup is NOT what makes you beautiful.

I see such beautiful girls around me that are so sad. Sometimes I just cant help but wonder how they stay so sad when they're so beautiful... But it's because they see society's idea of beauty, instead of Gods. They see that they'll never be good enough.

What makes you beautiful is how you act, how you carry yourself, how you treat others, and ultimately how you treat yourself. A pretty girl has nothing if she has an ugly heart. If you're constantly dressing yourself to attract guys then yeah, you're gonna attract them... But they're never gonna be the guys you really want. I often wonder, if more girls would step up and be ladies, if more boys would step in and be men... But thats a whole 'nother post. No ones above a little love, but its where we search for that love that makes all the difference.Wait for God to bring the right person, and I mean that. Don't settle. You need to respect yourself before the people around you can respect you. And I don't mean you should get cocky and see yourself as the greatest thing in the world, but you should realize that you're GODS CREATION and treat yourself accordingly. Don't ever let anyone tell you you're worthless, because God created you.. He has a purpose for your life. And don't ever let society tell you who to be, because thinking too much of what others think about you ultimately changes what you think about yourself. It changes who you are as a whole.

For the longest time I tried to be perfect. Every day I wanted to look just right, so people would like me... And I think a big part of it was so that maybe people wouldn't see through that "perfect shell" to see the real me. But why was I hiding the real me in the first place? Now I see that God created me, and there's nothing about flaws and weaknesses to hide, because he is made perfect in my weaknesses. We relate to eachother in our weaknesses, so why hide them?

Another thing I realized was that by putting up the shell, I was also covering my strengths, and my joy from God. I was covering myself as a whole.. Not just my weaknesses, and why would I ever want to cover up who I am?


If someone wont be your friend because you "arent good enough" then why would you want to be their friend in the first place?

Now I dare to live with my heart wide open. I live in a way that people see me, and only me.. I don't pretend to be someone I'm not, to impress people. I'm who I am, so that I can glorify christ in my weaknesses, and my strengths. 

My idea of beauty has drastically changed over the years, and along with that I've changed as a person. I've gained an appreciation for who God made me to be, and along with that comes an appreciation for the beauty of everything around me. I see a new reflection in the mirror.

I ask you, to not be so hard on yourself, And to for yourself find out what your definition of beauty is. I ask you to stop listening to society and instead being who you are in Christ. Make a serious, conscious effort to stop comparing yourself to others. Because darling, you deserve so much better.


"Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakens." -Carl Jung

1 Peter 3:3-4
Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.


Think about it. 

"But God doesn't call us to be comfortable. He calls us to trust Him so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He doesn't come through."
-Francis Chan, Crazy Love: Overwhelmed by a Relentless God

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Details In The Fabric

If it's a broken part, replace it
If it's a broken arm, then brace it
If it's a broken heart, then face it

And hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way

Are the details in the fabric
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling?

Are the things that make you blow
Hell, no reason, go on and scream
If you're shocked it's just the fault
Of faulty manufacturing.

Everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Everything.

Hearing this song awoke me to the fact that not only have i been blocking out my feelings about life in general, but ive been blocking out a part of myself. I have not been holding my own. Nor have i been true to myself. And have i been going my own way? you could say so. Ive been going my own way... But not Gods way. Ive been relying so much on myself, that once again ive left God out of the picture. And boy does it show. Not only have i left him out of the picture, but ive completely ignored him... Completely. He's brought me trials and hes brought me pain... and i turn to myself, or to my friends, or to my music. But to God? No. No, i havent. Never once did he come to my mind. That fact is weird enough by itself, because ive always turned to God for everything. Hes always been my rock, but suddenly, i just...forget? 


Last night as i was trying to fall asleep. I lay there trying not to think about certain people. Trying not to think about certain struggles. Trying not to think about certain pains, certain hurt. Certain fears, or worries. Honestly, i was just trying not to think at all. Trying to get to sleep without shedding any tears. Trying to get to bed without anything on my mind. But i bet you could guess how that turned out. It didnt work. 


I almost made it. I was so close to going to bed with no thoughts on my mind. But then i thought about the next day, which led to the next, which lead to the next.... which seemed to lead to the end of my life. Those days went on forever. 


I thought about Today. Adam getting ready to graduate, which made me think about him becoming a husband, a father. And what did that mean to me? That means my brother is leaving me. Leaving me forever. Which meant what? Well, it meant that soon, he wont always be by my side. Now, hes always around. Hes always there. Hes always standing right beside me. You have no idea how much im going to miss that. He could make everything fun. He accepts me and loves me and understands me. He keeps me true to who i am. True to God. He knows just about everything about me, and everything about my life. Hes one of my best friends, And i have this feeling inside me that all that will change when he leaves. 


I have this inner fear, to be honest ive had it for as long as i can remember. Its this fear of being left behind. This fear of people moving on without me, people finding something better than me, people getting bored and just moving on. Leaving me in the dust. That seems to happen to me far too often. 



Then i started thinking about monday. School. Monday is the day i have to go back to the place where they sit us in rooms for hours to learn about things that "will prove useful later in life"
The few minutes we get out of classrooms are full of rumors being spread and drama being made. Stupid arguments being fought and people being awkward or inconsiderate. People talking about others in mean ways and other people being flat out alone. Some people have friends to walk with, some people dont. Some people can fake a smile, and others cant. Depending on the day i can be either one. People need top stop judging and hating... Start showing the face of christ and loving. Ive experienced feeling like a mis-fit. Ive felt hated. ive felt alone. It hurts, and that is why ive promised myself to be christ-like to everyone around me. Talk to those people who are alone, even if it means moving from the comfort of my shelter of friends. Im sick of people acting like they know me because of who i was last year, because of my decisions that i made last year, and even this school year. Im different. I grow and mature daily. Just because you know my name, doesnt mean you know me. You dont know my heart. My Decisions dont define me, my God defines me. Its not your place to tell me im wrong when you  havent been in my shoes. Im sick of people talking about me, but what im more sick of is people talking about things that arent even true. Im tired of dealing with fake people, who i thought were real friends... but have proved themselves to be some of the biggest jerks i know. Whether thats really them or not, only God knows. Only God.


Id be lying if i told you i understand life. Id be lying if i told you i understand everything that happened to me today. Id be lying if i told you i fully understand anything at all. All those details in the fabric of my life, every little string.. scratch that every little fiber, has its purpose. Every day is its own fiber, and every day along with that fiber comes struggles and pain, and joy. All those little fibers make up my life, and represent all the stuggles and pains and joys that come along with it. Although sometimes i want to make myself believe that i know myself, or that i know those around me, or i know life, i know in the big scheme of things that i dont. God knows every little fiber that makes up that fabric, just like he knows every little hair on my head. God knows more about me than i know about myself, and thats easy to forget. Us humans have it instilled in us to trust ourselves, and learn to trust no one else. As life has Gotten crazy this school year, ive slowly started trusting myself more and more, and trusting God less and less. 


As i went on day after day after day along with my schedule, and found more and more and more to worry about, it hit me, "PRAYER." i thought to myself. I was mortified, that i had let something so important just slip out of habit. My stomach dropped. Yes, i still said a blessing before meals.. but that doesnt count as meditation with God, that doesnt count as talking through my life with the father. I thought for a minute. My life had absolutely fallen apart. 
Instead of taking my problems to God and giving them up to him, i was trying to handle them on my own, and failing miserably. I lept out of bed and got on my knees, lifted my hands to my God, and prayed. I prayed about absolutely everything in my life, and then i prayed some more. I just talked to God and praised him for always letting me come back to him, no matter how badly i messed up. After i finished praying, i realized it was about 45 minutes later. Although i lost 45 minutes of sleep that night in prayer, I gained much more sleep in the nights to come. 


God is good. 

What is it about him?

The more I read the Word,

the more I realize how filthy and pathetic I am.

The more I see of my own shortcomings,

the more I want to follow the example of Christ.

The more I learn about Jesus,

the more undeserving I feel.

The more I realize my own unworthiness,

the more I understand how overwhelmingly loved I am.

And the more I see God's perfect, selfless love, 

the more I want to read His Word.

WHAT is it about him?!

What is it about Christ that draws me irresistibly to him?

Despite having light shed on my filthiness, shortcomings, and unworthiness...

I can't stay away.

I know i do bad things and I know I'm not a good person.

Anyone who thinks they're a good person is lying to themselves...

But then there's this guy who was actually perfect,

and he chose to go and get himself crucified.

And then he said that it was for me;

for the stuff I've done.

And that what he did washes all that crap away.

And if I could, in my selfishness,

I think I'd prefer to take that 'get outta Hell free card'

and leave this crazy radical to his ethereal schemes,

continuing to live my life the way I want to.

But something about him just doesn't let me do that.

Something about his bleeding, broken body

calls me back to the foot of the cross

to gaze at his horrific suffering and death,

and just...

Worship.

Cry out.

Be humbled.

Mourn over my sin.

Give up control of my live.

Repent and turn from my disgusting monstrosities.

Learn and grow in my understanding of the Creator of the universe.

And fight against my evil nature until the day I'm called home.

His irresistible, selfless, undeserved love draws me in,

making me hate myself,

while giving me the ability,

the strength,

the conviction,

and the desire

to change who I am.

Submit yourselves therefore to God.

Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.

Cleanse your hands, you sinners,

and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 

Be wretched and mourn and weep. 

Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. 

Humble yourselves before the Lord, 

and he will exalt you. 

James 4:7