Forgiveness.

Its something I've always struggled with. Not forgiving others, because I've never had a problem with that, people have actually told me that i forgive a little too easily... if that's possible, But when i talk about having trouble with forgiveness, im talking about accepting forgiveness. I guess that can be a good thing, because it makes me always strive to fix what i do wrong, and makes me strive to make good decisions and not to disappoint my family and my friends and most importantly God. But it also has another side to it.
I cannot accept that God forgives me.
I cant look at everything ive done wrong in life and see God take it from me.
I cant accept that someone so perfect would look at my sin and tell me not to worry,
and that he loves me,
and that he forgives me for my mistakes.
And so I beat up on myself. I cry because when I listen to myself, I hear: I'll never be good enough. I'll never be satisfied with myself. I'll never consider myself to be valuable to my creator. And then I realize that my thinking is completely backwards. And that in my self-loathing, I'm defiling something that God created to be pure and beautiful and holy. Not my actions, which are sinful-- that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about me. Because my sin HAS been washed away. I'm talking about the reality that I'm justified in the eyes of my creator. He looks at my filth and sees Jesus' blood and it's finished. I know that.

So i guess me having trouble feeling forgiven, and not accepting my fathers gift, is my pride at work, me wanting to earn my salvation. And in my prideful self relying search of salvation, im losing sight of the father, and putting myself on a pedestal, trying to make myself my savior.

Its funny. How pride and self-loathing are my two biggest problems. How i can put myself up on this pedestal one moment, trying to save myself, thinking that i can do all things on my own and i can do them better than the Lord could do them... And then continue to treat myself like garbage, somehow warping truth & thinking I need to be punished for the crappy stuff I've done-- for my continual failures and shortcomings. Thinking that I need to suffer for my wrongs, as though they require more payment... As though Jesus' death was somehow insufficient.

I cry because I can't bring myself to accept His grace. Not that I don't think it's adequate.. I know it's more than enough. The insufficiency I'm overwhelmed with is my own. I don't feel like I'm worthy of anything, let alone perfect love. I just have to remind myself... The point of grace is that I don't deserve it. Because when I'm utterly incapable on my own, that's when God get's all the credit. And my self-worth should reflect the fact that I'm a part of God's kingdom. The point of everything is for God to receive the most glory. And that isn't achieved by me punishing myself, it's achieved by complete humility, gratitude, submission and praise.