Details In The Fabric

If it's a broken part, replace it
If it's a broken arm, then brace it
If it's a broken heart, then face it

And hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way

Are the details in the fabric
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling?

Are the things that make you blow
Hell, no reason, go on and scream
If you're shocked it's just the fault
Of faulty manufacturing.

Everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Everything.

Hearing this song awoke me to the fact that not only have i been blocking out my feelings about life in general, but ive been blocking out a part of myself. I have not been holding my own. Nor have i been true to myself. And have i been going my own way? you could say so. Ive been going my own way... But not Gods way. Ive been relying so much on myself, that once again ive left God out of the picture. And boy does it show. Not only have i left him out of the picture, but ive completely ignored him... Completely. He's brought me trials and hes brought me pain... and i turn to myself, or to my friends, or to my music. But to God? No. No, i havent. Never once did he come to my mind. That fact is weird enough by itself, because ive always turned to God for everything. Hes always been my rock, but suddenly, i just...forget? 


Last night as i was trying to fall asleep. I lay there trying not to think about certain people. Trying not to think about certain struggles. Trying not to think about certain pains, certain hurt. Certain fears, or worries. Honestly, i was just trying not to think at all. Trying to get to sleep without shedding any tears. Trying to get to bed without anything on my mind. But i bet you could guess how that turned out. It didnt work. 


I almost made it. I was so close to going to bed with no thoughts on my mind. But then i thought about the next day, which led to the next, which lead to the next.... which seemed to lead to the end of my life. Those days went on forever. 


I thought about Today. Adam getting ready to graduate, which made me think about him becoming a husband, a father. And what did that mean to me? That means my brother is leaving me. Leaving me forever. Which meant what? Well, it meant that soon, he wont always be by my side. Now, hes always around. Hes always there. Hes always standing right beside me. You have no idea how much im going to miss that. He could make everything fun. He accepts me and loves me and understands me. He keeps me true to who i am. True to God. He knows just about everything about me, and everything about my life. Hes one of my best friends, And i have this feeling inside me that all that will change when he leaves. 


I have this inner fear, to be honest ive had it for as long as i can remember. Its this fear of being left behind. This fear of people moving on without me, people finding something better than me, people getting bored and just moving on. Leaving me in the dust. That seems to happen to me far too often. 



Then i started thinking about monday. School. Monday is the day i have to go back to the place where they sit us in rooms for hours to learn about things that "will prove useful later in life"
The few minutes we get out of classrooms are full of rumors being spread and drama being made. Stupid arguments being fought and people being awkward or inconsiderate. People talking about others in mean ways and other people being flat out alone. Some people have friends to walk with, some people dont. Some people can fake a smile, and others cant. Depending on the day i can be either one. People need top stop judging and hating... Start showing the face of christ and loving. Ive experienced feeling like a mis-fit. Ive felt hated. ive felt alone. It hurts, and that is why ive promised myself to be christ-like to everyone around me. Talk to those people who are alone, even if it means moving from the comfort of my shelter of friends. Im sick of people acting like they know me because of who i was last year, because of my decisions that i made last year, and even this school year. Im different. I grow and mature daily. Just because you know my name, doesnt mean you know me. You dont know my heart. My Decisions dont define me, my God defines me. Its not your place to tell me im wrong when you  havent been in my shoes. Im sick of people talking about me, but what im more sick of is people talking about things that arent even true. Im tired of dealing with fake people, who i thought were real friends... but have proved themselves to be some of the biggest jerks i know. Whether thats really them or not, only God knows. Only God.


Id be lying if i told you i understand life. Id be lying if i told you i understand everything that happened to me today. Id be lying if i told you i fully understand anything at all. All those details in the fabric of my life, every little string.. scratch that every little fiber, has its purpose. Every day is its own fiber, and every day along with that fiber comes struggles and pain, and joy. All those little fibers make up my life, and represent all the stuggles and pains and joys that come along with it. Although sometimes i want to make myself believe that i know myself, or that i know those around me, or i know life, i know in the big scheme of things that i dont. God knows every little fiber that makes up that fabric, just like he knows every little hair on my head. God knows more about me than i know about myself, and thats easy to forget. Us humans have it instilled in us to trust ourselves, and learn to trust no one else. As life has Gotten crazy this school year, ive slowly started trusting myself more and more, and trusting God less and less. 


As i went on day after day after day along with my schedule, and found more and more and more to worry about, it hit me, "PRAYER." i thought to myself. I was mortified, that i had let something so important just slip out of habit. My stomach dropped. Yes, i still said a blessing before meals.. but that doesnt count as meditation with God, that doesnt count as talking through my life with the father. I thought for a minute. My life had absolutely fallen apart. 
Instead of taking my problems to God and giving them up to him, i was trying to handle them on my own, and failing miserably. I lept out of bed and got on my knees, lifted my hands to my God, and prayed. I prayed about absolutely everything in my life, and then i prayed some more. I just talked to God and praised him for always letting me come back to him, no matter how badly i messed up. After i finished praying, i realized it was about 45 minutes later. Although i lost 45 minutes of sleep that night in prayer, I gained much more sleep in the nights to come. 


God is good. 

Because It's Who I Am. It's Who I've Always Been.

I’ve always been a good girl. I can’t help it.

I’m fairly sure it’s something that’s ingrained in me; this intense need to never disappoint people. This need to please. This nagging conscience that never fails to remind me when I’ve gone off course. This sense of obligation to always be the cheerful girl, the one who goes by the rules, the one you never really have to worry about.

I’m a classic middle child, always prone to being the one to just go along with things without causing much fuss. I rarely get into any real trouble. In fact, ive never REALLY been fully grounded. 

I’m a mediator. A listener. A dreamer. An optimistic pessimist and Incredibly sensitive. All those things combined have lead to a fairly intense case of what I like to call The Good Girl Complex.

It’s a lot of pressure to live up to. I’d never deny that for a second! And, as most girls do at some point, I’ve tried to push the boundaries here and there. To see if there has been some grand adventure that I’ve been missing out on by living life within the lines. But, honestly? At this point in my life, being the “good girl” is something that I cherish more than anything else. It’s almost as though I’ve come full circle, in a way, after a few years of trying to shake what I’ve always been.

All Ive ever wanted to do is fall in love. In a way, thats a good thing. Ive had these ridiculously high expectations and hopes - fueled by girlish fantasies and whims. Ive lived in a bubble of wistful journaling and romantic comedies. Ive looked around me, consumed by the thought that my future husband could be right around the corner. Ive skipped over most thoughts of partying and anything else that a typical teenager seems to focus on.

Ive always made sure to stay inside the lines. I always did what was deemed as the right thing. I knew what was expected and making that right decision was always fairly easy for me. Which is something I figure is quite lucky. It made being "good" quite simple.

I’m always going to worry too much about what people think. I’m always going to try too hard to do the right thing. I’m always going to get an achy feeling when I break a rule. Most curse words will sound contrived coming from my mouth. I’ll never be the life of the party. I’ll be most comfortable on the couch at home, watching movies with my friends and drinking chocolate milk. 

It still feels good to break out of my shell every now and again. I still make mistakes. I still manage to say things I regret and do things I regret and wonder all the while why I should ever be ashamed to show the world what I am, pure and simple.

Because, really? I’m happy being a good girl. And if that means that I’m the one staying home on a Friday night, playing scrabble or making cookies, then so be it. Those are the moments when I feel most like myself, anyway.

At this point in life, whenever anyone alludes to the fact that I’m a good girl, I smile. I own it. Because it’s who I am. It’s who I’ve always been.

And that’s probably the most important thing each of us can discover, right?

What is it about him?

The more I read the Word,

the more I realize how filthy and pathetic I am.

The more I see of my own shortcomings,

the more I want to follow the example of Christ.

The more I learn about Jesus,

the more undeserving I feel.

The more I realize my own unworthiness,

the more I understand how overwhelmingly loved I am.

And the more I see God's perfect, selfless love, 

the more I want to read His Word.

WHAT is it about him?!

What is it about Christ that draws me irresistibly to him?

Despite having light shed on my filthiness, shortcomings, and unworthiness...

I can't stay away.

I know i do bad things and I know I'm not a good person.

Anyone who thinks they're a good person is lying to themselves...

But then there's this guy who was actually perfect,

and he chose to go and get himself crucified.

And then he said that it was for me;

for the stuff I've done.

And that what he did washes all that crap away.

And if I could, in my selfishness,

I think I'd prefer to take that 'get outta Hell free card'

and leave this crazy radical to his ethereal schemes,

continuing to live my life the way I want to.

But something about him just doesn't let me do that.

Something about his bleeding, broken body

calls me back to the foot of the cross

to gaze at his horrific suffering and death,

and just...

Worship.

Cry out.

Be humbled.

Mourn over my sin.

Give up control of my live.

Repent and turn from my disgusting monstrosities.

Learn and grow in my understanding of the Creator of the universe.

And fight against my evil nature until the day I'm called home.

His irresistible, selfless, undeserved love draws me in,

making me hate myself,

while giving me the ability,

the strength,

the conviction,

and the desire

to change who I am.

Submit yourselves therefore to God.

Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.

Cleanse your hands, you sinners,

and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 

Be wretched and mourn and weep. 

Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. 

Humble yourselves before the Lord, 

and he will exalt you. 

James 4:7 

A New Way To Look At Modesty

And you never change, God you remain, the holy one, my unfailing love. <3

You stay the same through all the ages, your love never changes. there may be pain in the night but your joy comes in the morning. and when the oceans rage, i dont have to be afraid...because i know you love me and your love never fails.