Details In The Fabric

If it's a broken part, replace it
If it's a broken arm, then brace it
If it's a broken heart, then face it

And hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way

Are the details in the fabric
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling?

Are the things that make you blow
Hell, no reason, go on and scream
If you're shocked it's just the fault
Of faulty manufacturing.

Everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Everything.

Hearing this song awoke me to the fact that not only have i been blocking out my feelings about life in general, but ive been blocking out a part of myself. I have not been holding my own. Nor have i been true to myself. And have i been going my own way? you could say so. Ive been going my own way... But not Gods way. Ive been relying so much on myself, that once again ive left God out of the picture. And boy does it show. Not only have i left him out of the picture, but ive completely ignored him... Completely. He's brought me trials and hes brought me pain... and i turn to myself, or to my friends, or to my music. But to God? No. No, i havent. Never once did he come to my mind. That fact is weird enough by itself, because ive always turned to God for everything. Hes always been my rock, but suddenly, i just...forget? 


Last night as i was trying to fall asleep. I lay there trying not to think about certain people. Trying not to think about certain struggles. Trying not to think about certain pains, certain hurt. Certain fears, or worries. Honestly, i was just trying not to think at all. Trying to get to sleep without shedding any tears. Trying to get to bed without anything on my mind. But i bet you could guess how that turned out. It didnt work. 


I almost made it. I was so close to going to bed with no thoughts on my mind. But then i thought about the next day, which led to the next, which lead to the next.... which seemed to lead to the end of my life. Those days went on forever. 


I thought about Today. Adam getting ready to graduate, which made me think about him becoming a husband, a father. And what did that mean to me? That means my brother is leaving me. Leaving me forever. Which meant what? Well, it meant that soon, he wont always be by my side. Now, hes always around. Hes always there. Hes always standing right beside me. You have no idea how much im going to miss that. He could make everything fun. He accepts me and loves me and understands me. He keeps me true to who i am. True to God. He knows just about everything about me, and everything about my life. Hes one of my best friends, And i have this feeling inside me that all that will change when he leaves. 


I have this inner fear, to be honest ive had it for as long as i can remember. Its this fear of being left behind. This fear of people moving on without me, people finding something better than me, people getting bored and just moving on. Leaving me in the dust. That seems to happen to me far too often. 



Then i started thinking about monday. School. Monday is the day i have to go back to the place where they sit us in rooms for hours to learn about things that "will prove useful later in life"
The few minutes we get out of classrooms are full of rumors being spread and drama being made. Stupid arguments being fought and people being awkward or inconsiderate. People talking about others in mean ways and other people being flat out alone. Some people have friends to walk with, some people dont. Some people can fake a smile, and others cant. Depending on the day i can be either one. People need top stop judging and hating... Start showing the face of christ and loving. Ive experienced feeling like a mis-fit. Ive felt hated. ive felt alone. It hurts, and that is why ive promised myself to be christ-like to everyone around me. Talk to those people who are alone, even if it means moving from the comfort of my shelter of friends. Im sick of people acting like they know me because of who i was last year, because of my decisions that i made last year, and even this school year. Im different. I grow and mature daily. Just because you know my name, doesnt mean you know me. You dont know my heart. My Decisions dont define me, my God defines me. Its not your place to tell me im wrong when you  havent been in my shoes. Im sick of people talking about me, but what im more sick of is people talking about things that arent even true. Im tired of dealing with fake people, who i thought were real friends... but have proved themselves to be some of the biggest jerks i know. Whether thats really them or not, only God knows. Only God.


Id be lying if i told you i understand life. Id be lying if i told you i understand everything that happened to me today. Id be lying if i told you i fully understand anything at all. All those details in the fabric of my life, every little string.. scratch that every little fiber, has its purpose. Every day is its own fiber, and every day along with that fiber comes struggles and pain, and joy. All those little fibers make up my life, and represent all the stuggles and pains and joys that come along with it. Although sometimes i want to make myself believe that i know myself, or that i know those around me, or i know life, i know in the big scheme of things that i dont. God knows every little fiber that makes up that fabric, just like he knows every little hair on my head. God knows more about me than i know about myself, and thats easy to forget. Us humans have it instilled in us to trust ourselves, and learn to trust no one else. As life has Gotten crazy this school year, ive slowly started trusting myself more and more, and trusting God less and less. 


As i went on day after day after day along with my schedule, and found more and more and more to worry about, it hit me, "PRAYER." i thought to myself. I was mortified, that i had let something so important just slip out of habit. My stomach dropped. Yes, i still said a blessing before meals.. but that doesnt count as meditation with God, that doesnt count as talking through my life with the father. I thought for a minute. My life had absolutely fallen apart. 
Instead of taking my problems to God and giving them up to him, i was trying to handle them on my own, and failing miserably. I lept out of bed and got on my knees, lifted my hands to my God, and prayed. I prayed about absolutely everything in my life, and then i prayed some more. I just talked to God and praised him for always letting me come back to him, no matter how badly i messed up. After i finished praying, i realized it was about 45 minutes later. Although i lost 45 minutes of sleep that night in prayer, I gained much more sleep in the nights to come. 


God is good.