Have you ever looked at yourself, and just thought- this is me? Looked at your body, seen your rib cage, and thought about the lungs behind it, then about your heart, and all the organs keeping you alive? and your brain just goes so deep into thought that you get lost in your own brain. looked at your hands and thought about every little crease? about how you shiver when you're cold? Have you just sat and pondered about life? Have you ever thought about how small you are on this huge earth? About how many people are thinking the exact same thing as you at the exact Same second? Wondered how many people are dying from starvation in a third world country while someone here is buying their 10th pair of miss me jeans? Thought about what that starving child thinks about us? Have you wondered who you'll become, and what's in store for you? Have you questioned if you'll live long enough to have a family of your own? Have you ever thought about how in a couple generations.. You could just be a name in a family tree? Or have you thought about how your legend could continue on? And have you thought about how that's your choice? Have you thought about how you started as dust and will return to dust?
Oftentimes ill have so much on my mind that i feel like my head is split into a million directions, and i cant seem to follow them all, so my brain just stops... Goes into lockdown mode. My thoughts tend to get overwhelming, and then that leaves me with this hopeless feeling... thinking that no matter how hard i try ill never be able to comprehend much of anything. Sometimes i feel like a hopeless cause.
And Sometimes I can't help but feel like a no name face in no where land. A speck of dust on a road map. Theres so many people in the world, and I often just see myself as a number. I can't help but see the hurt in the world and the death in young people and question God. I can't help but look at someone and think so deeply into who they may be, even passing someone on the highway, I'll often times be curious who they are and where they're headed. What's going on in their life and if I could help. Thinking about how every single person everywhere has a story.
I spend alot of time thinking. Thinking about this world and the people in it. And i guess those are good things to think about... But i also spend a lot of time counting time. I spend my weekdays counting down to the weekend. I spend my Daytimes counting Down to the night time. I spend my minutes counting down to a new hour. Actually, I spend all of my time counting time, wasting time, And I don't want to anymore. When I think about all that I could accomplish in the time I'm counting time, I could overcome almost all of my fears. If I stopped counting life, I could live it.. Trusting God with few fears.
We look around us and see horrible things. You turn on the news and hear such sad and disturbing things, and along with that it's easy to convince ourselves that there's no beauty left out there. But we have to continue to see the beauty through the chaos. Be soft, don't let the world make you hard. Don't let the pain make you hate. Don't let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still see it as a beautiful place.
Sometimes the only way to stay human is to remember... that we are dust.
Psalm 103: 14- 18
For he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust. The life of mortals is like grass, they flourish like a flower of the field; the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more. But from everlasting to everlasting the LORD’s love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children’s children—with those who keep his covenant and remember to obey his precepts.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Friday, February 24, 2012
Convicted
When i was sinking down, sinking down, sinking down;
when i was sinking down, sinking down;
when i was sinking down beneath Gods righteous frown,
Christ laid aside his crown for my soul, for my soul;
Christ laid aside his crown for my soul.
For lent i wanted to convict myself this year. I decided that i needed to hold myself more accountable; to a higher standard and keep it there. To stop TALKING about making sacrifices for God and start LIVING out an example of that in my life. But everytime i thought about convicting myself, putting myself up to that sacrifice, i quickly brushed it off. Finally God did the convicting, He brought me to a conclusion that if i was putting up that much of a fuss over the little things, then how was he ever going to be able to use me for the big things? I decided i needed to find something to give up. I started small.. I thought about giving up soda, but then i realized if anything i was just using that as an easy way out, as i was already giving up caffeine for health reasons. I slowly made my way up the list. I got as high as facebook and pinterest. immediately i brushed those off. I wasnt willing to sacrifice those things for that long... who was i kidding? I mean really, "No reason to be an over achiever," I thought to myself. Then i actually processed what i had just said... "NO REASON TO BE AN OVERACHIEVER."
Had i really just said that about making sacrifices for my Lord who DIED for me and my sins?
"No reason to be an overachiever." I said it again.
I became disgusted with myself. At that point i realized that if those were things i didnt want to give up then i needed to, because its not a sacrifice if you dont mind giving it up or youre comfortable doing so. I came to the conclusion, without putting too much more thought into it. I puffed out my chest and stood tall (figuratively, of course). I appeared big and strong in this choice, but really on the inside i was scared, intimidated, unsure... to whether or not i could rise to the challenge. Then i told my parents about my goal. My moms jaw dropped and my dad burst out in laughter "Yeah right!" he said as he and Adam started placing bets on how long id make it. My mom eventually shouts "Enough! Thats not fair to her, i think she can do it! If Anna can give up facebook and pinterest.... ill give up solitaire." Every single person at the tables jaw drops, including mine.
"wat." Adam says after a few seconds, and my dad lets out one more snarky remark "What are you gonna do with your extra six hours a day?" (Believe it or not thats a pretty accurate time)
"Oh hush!" she remarked as she smacked his arm.
I was still focusing on the fact that my dad and brother really didnt believe in me. Something inside me- maybe my confidence, or my hopes- were just crushed. I felt deflated. They were all still joking and making fun of my moms solitaire addiction...
"Do you really not think that i can do it?"
"Well, i just feel like youre setting yourself up for failure.. i think you need to start small and maybe think of something not as hard.. Facebook and pinterest will take alot of will power."
i thought, Oh so now hes saying that i dont have will power? I was almost angry at this point, although, it was too true a statement.
You see, i can take people making fun of who i am or how i look or how i act, but when i take a blow to my character, i just fall apart.
Steam was building up inside of me. I felt like popeye in those old cartoons, just bracing myself to erupt.
Their conversations went on, but i was sitting there silently, thinking. I looked up, "watch me."
I always take peoples doubt in me as a challenge.
I DO have the will power.
Im NOT starting small.
Im NOT giving up.
And most importantly im NOT denying this undeniable love and conviction that im overwhelmed with by God.
I know my Dads intentions were good, and i cant help but wonder if hes doing all of this just so ill take it seriously, maybe see it as a challenge.
Im sacrificing because i love Jesus. I love what he did for little undeserving me. Ive heard "You're insane" Alot in the past few days... maybe i am, insanely in love with The King of Kings, Prince of Peace, Lord of Lords, Messiah, Savior, Jehovah, Almighty, Ancient of days, Author of life, Comforter, Deliverer, Counselor, Creator, Shepherd, Hope, I am, Light of the world, Lord of all, Omega, The one true love and truth. How could i not be?
This is what it comes down to... anything youre not willing to give up for him, is above him in your mind. Anything your not willing to give up is an IDOL. Cast it away.
He sacrificed his life, i think i can sacrifice Facebook and pinterest for 40 days.
when i was sinking down, sinking down;
when i was sinking down beneath Gods righteous frown,
Christ laid aside his crown for my soul, for my soul;
Christ laid aside his crown for my soul.
For lent i wanted to convict myself this year. I decided that i needed to hold myself more accountable; to a higher standard and keep it there. To stop TALKING about making sacrifices for God and start LIVING out an example of that in my life. But everytime i thought about convicting myself, putting myself up to that sacrifice, i quickly brushed it off. Finally God did the convicting, He brought me to a conclusion that if i was putting up that much of a fuss over the little things, then how was he ever going to be able to use me for the big things? I decided i needed to find something to give up. I started small.. I thought about giving up soda, but then i realized if anything i was just using that as an easy way out, as i was already giving up caffeine for health reasons. I slowly made my way up the list. I got as high as facebook and pinterest. immediately i brushed those off. I wasnt willing to sacrifice those things for that long... who was i kidding? I mean really, "No reason to be an over achiever," I thought to myself. Then i actually processed what i had just said... "NO REASON TO BE AN OVERACHIEVER."
Had i really just said that about making sacrifices for my Lord who DIED for me and my sins?
"No reason to be an overachiever." I said it again.
I became disgusted with myself. At that point i realized that if those were things i didnt want to give up then i needed to, because its not a sacrifice if you dont mind giving it up or youre comfortable doing so. I came to the conclusion, without putting too much more thought into it. I puffed out my chest and stood tall (figuratively, of course). I appeared big and strong in this choice, but really on the inside i was scared, intimidated, unsure... to whether or not i could rise to the challenge. Then i told my parents about my goal. My moms jaw dropped and my dad burst out in laughter "Yeah right!" he said as he and Adam started placing bets on how long id make it. My mom eventually shouts "Enough! Thats not fair to her, i think she can do it! If Anna can give up facebook and pinterest.... ill give up solitaire." Every single person at the tables jaw drops, including mine.
"wat." Adam says after a few seconds, and my dad lets out one more snarky remark "What are you gonna do with your extra six hours a day?" (Believe it or not thats a pretty accurate time)
"Oh hush!" she remarked as she smacked his arm.
I was still focusing on the fact that my dad and brother really didnt believe in me. Something inside me- maybe my confidence, or my hopes- were just crushed. I felt deflated. They were all still joking and making fun of my moms solitaire addiction...
"Do you really not think that i can do it?"
"Well, i just feel like youre setting yourself up for failure.. i think you need to start small and maybe think of something not as hard.. Facebook and pinterest will take alot of will power."
i thought, Oh so now hes saying that i dont have will power? I was almost angry at this point, although, it was too true a statement.
You see, i can take people making fun of who i am or how i look or how i act, but when i take a blow to my character, i just fall apart.
Steam was building up inside of me. I felt like popeye in those old cartoons, just bracing myself to erupt.
Their conversations went on, but i was sitting there silently, thinking. I looked up, "watch me."
I always take peoples doubt in me as a challenge.
I DO have the will power.
Im NOT starting small.
Im NOT giving up.
And most importantly im NOT denying this undeniable love and conviction that im overwhelmed with by God.
I know my Dads intentions were good, and i cant help but wonder if hes doing all of this just so ill take it seriously, maybe see it as a challenge.
Im sacrificing because i love Jesus. I love what he did for little undeserving me. Ive heard "You're insane" Alot in the past few days... maybe i am, insanely in love with The King of Kings, Prince of Peace, Lord of Lords, Messiah, Savior, Jehovah, Almighty, Ancient of days, Author of life, Comforter, Deliverer, Counselor, Creator, Shepherd, Hope, I am, Light of the world, Lord of all, Omega, The one true love and truth. How could i not be?
This is what it comes down to... anything youre not willing to give up for him, is above him in your mind. Anything your not willing to give up is an IDOL. Cast it away.
He sacrificed his life, i think i can sacrifice Facebook and pinterest for 40 days.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Define Beauty
Almost crumbling to the ground, she stopped. Looking at how far she had traveled and all it had taken to get there, she recognized her strength. The strengths she had inside of her, the strengths she had gained along the way- her inner power. And so she stood up; standing tall, she faced forward and continued on.
Highschool changes people. Some for the worse, some for the better. Lucky for me, I changed for the better, all because I hit rock bottom, and boy am I glad I did. Before that bottoming out, everything had to be "perfect." I expected more from myself than was possible. I held myself to an impossible standard, and that standard got higher and higher. But even higher than my standard was society's standard... It was scary, intimidating. A 13 year old girl facing society's standards. Society tells us as girls that we have to be perfect, that we have to look like celebrities, that we need to be thinner, and that pores don't exist.
We see models that weigh 80 pounds, yet they're still edited to be thinner. WE CANNOT GET ANY THINNER THAN THAT. Girls, Anorexia and bulimia are normal things in our generation, and that breaks my heart... But it also hits close to home. I, personally, have experienced it first hand. We see women that are so photoshopped that they don't even look like themselves anymore, and something inside us makes us strive to be like them... When really WHY WOULD WE WANT TO BE? Since when is starving to death beauty?
Society tells us we need to be perfect, but then shows us there's no way we'll ever be.. Even celebrities aren't good enough. They have to be edited and thinned, even after spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on their faces and starving themselves.
Society disappoints me. It tells 13 year old girls that they need makeup, and boys, and they need to be perfect for people to like them. But something I've never understood is what's so great about being perfect? Whats so interesting and intriguing about looking just right? I think part of it is that we all live and die through everyone else's eyes. We seek acceptance, and love, and we somehow think that perfection is a way to get both of those.
I started wearing makeup at age twelve. TWELVE, PEOPLE. Society told me that I needed it. I fought to be perfect on the outside, and through that battle my inside became ugly. I swapped my internal beauty for external... And external never grew as much as my internal beauty ever was. I wore that makeup to be beautiful.
But ladies, i have a NEWSFLASH for you: Your makeup is NOT what makes you beautiful.
I see such beautiful girls around me that are so sad. Sometimes I just cant help but wonder how they stay so sad when they're so beautiful... But it's because they see society's idea of beauty, instead of Gods. They see that they'll never be good enough.
What makes you beautiful is how you act, how you carry yourself, how you treat others, and ultimately how you treat yourself. A pretty girl has nothing if she has an ugly heart. If you're constantly dressing yourself to attract guys then yeah, you're gonna attract them... But they're never gonna be the guys you really want. I often wonder, if more girls would step up and be ladies, if more boys would step in and be men... But thats a whole 'nother post. No ones above a little love, but its where we search for that love that makes all the difference.Wait for God to bring the right person, and I mean that. Don't settle. You need to respect yourself before the people around you can respect you. And I don't mean you should get cocky and see yourself as the greatest thing in the world, but you should realize that you're GODS CREATION and treat yourself accordingly. Don't ever let anyone tell you you're worthless, because God created you.. He has a purpose for your life. And don't ever let society tell you who to be, because thinking too much of what others think about you ultimately changes what you think about yourself. It changes who you are as a whole.
For the longest time I tried to be perfect. Every day I wanted to look just right, so people would like me... And I think a big part of it was so that maybe people wouldn't see through that "perfect shell" to see the real me. But why was I hiding the real me in the first place? Now I see that God created me, and there's nothing about flaws and weaknesses to hide, because he is made perfect in my weaknesses. We relate to eachother in our weaknesses, so why hide them?
Another thing I realized was that by putting up the shell, I was also covering my strengths, and my joy from God. I was covering myself as a whole.. Not just my weaknesses, and why would I ever want to cover up who I am?
If someone wont be your friend because you "arent good enough" then why would you want to be their friend in the first place?
Now I dare to live with my heart wide open. I live in a way that people see me, and only me.. I don't pretend to be someone I'm not, to impress people. I'm who I am, so that I can glorify christ in my weaknesses, and my strengths.
My idea of beauty has drastically changed over the years, and along with that I've changed as a person. I've gained an appreciation for who God made me to be, and along with that comes an appreciation for the beauty of everything around me. I see a new reflection in the mirror.
I ask you, to not be so hard on yourself, And to for yourself find out what your definition of beauty is. I ask you to stop listening to society and instead being who you are in Christ. Make a serious, conscious effort to stop comparing yourself to others. Because darling, you deserve so much better.
"Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakens." -Carl Jung
1 Peter 3:3-4
Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.
Think about it.
Highschool changes people. Some for the worse, some for the better. Lucky for me, I changed for the better, all because I hit rock bottom, and boy am I glad I did. Before that bottoming out, everything had to be "perfect." I expected more from myself than was possible. I held myself to an impossible standard, and that standard got higher and higher. But even higher than my standard was society's standard... It was scary, intimidating. A 13 year old girl facing society's standards. Society tells us as girls that we have to be perfect, that we have to look like celebrities, that we need to be thinner, and that pores don't exist.
We see models that weigh 80 pounds, yet they're still edited to be thinner. WE CANNOT GET ANY THINNER THAN THAT. Girls, Anorexia and bulimia are normal things in our generation, and that breaks my heart... But it also hits close to home. I, personally, have experienced it first hand. We see women that are so photoshopped that they don't even look like themselves anymore, and something inside us makes us strive to be like them... When really WHY WOULD WE WANT TO BE? Since when is starving to death beauty?
Society tells us we need to be perfect, but then shows us there's no way we'll ever be.. Even celebrities aren't good enough. They have to be edited and thinned, even after spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on their faces and starving themselves.
Society disappoints me. It tells 13 year old girls that they need makeup, and boys, and they need to be perfect for people to like them. But something I've never understood is what's so great about being perfect? Whats so interesting and intriguing about looking just right? I think part of it is that we all live and die through everyone else's eyes. We seek acceptance, and love, and we somehow think that perfection is a way to get both of those.
I started wearing makeup at age twelve. TWELVE, PEOPLE. Society told me that I needed it. I fought to be perfect on the outside, and through that battle my inside became ugly. I swapped my internal beauty for external... And external never grew as much as my internal beauty ever was. I wore that makeup to be beautiful.
But ladies, i have a NEWSFLASH for you: Your makeup is NOT what makes you beautiful.
I see such beautiful girls around me that are so sad. Sometimes I just cant help but wonder how they stay so sad when they're so beautiful... But it's because they see society's idea of beauty, instead of Gods. They see that they'll never be good enough.
What makes you beautiful is how you act, how you carry yourself, how you treat others, and ultimately how you treat yourself. A pretty girl has nothing if she has an ugly heart. If you're constantly dressing yourself to attract guys then yeah, you're gonna attract them... But they're never gonna be the guys you really want. I often wonder, if more girls would step up and be ladies, if more boys would step in and be men... But thats a whole 'nother post. No ones above a little love, but its where we search for that love that makes all the difference.Wait for God to bring the right person, and I mean that. Don't settle. You need to respect yourself before the people around you can respect you. And I don't mean you should get cocky and see yourself as the greatest thing in the world, but you should realize that you're GODS CREATION and treat yourself accordingly. Don't ever let anyone tell you you're worthless, because God created you.. He has a purpose for your life. And don't ever let society tell you who to be, because thinking too much of what others think about you ultimately changes what you think about yourself. It changes who you are as a whole.
For the longest time I tried to be perfect. Every day I wanted to look just right, so people would like me... And I think a big part of it was so that maybe people wouldn't see through that "perfect shell" to see the real me. But why was I hiding the real me in the first place? Now I see that God created me, and there's nothing about flaws and weaknesses to hide, because he is made perfect in my weaknesses. We relate to eachother in our weaknesses, so why hide them?
Another thing I realized was that by putting up the shell, I was also covering my strengths, and my joy from God. I was covering myself as a whole.. Not just my weaknesses, and why would I ever want to cover up who I am?
If someone wont be your friend because you "arent good enough" then why would you want to be their friend in the first place?
Now I dare to live with my heart wide open. I live in a way that people see me, and only me.. I don't pretend to be someone I'm not, to impress people. I'm who I am, so that I can glorify christ in my weaknesses, and my strengths.
My idea of beauty has drastically changed over the years, and along with that I've changed as a person. I've gained an appreciation for who God made me to be, and along with that comes an appreciation for the beauty of everything around me. I see a new reflection in the mirror.
I ask you, to not be so hard on yourself, And to for yourself find out what your definition of beauty is. I ask you to stop listening to society and instead being who you are in Christ. Make a serious, conscious effort to stop comparing yourself to others. Because darling, you deserve so much better.
"Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakens." -Carl Jung
1 Peter 3:3-4
Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.
Think about it.
Monday, February 6, 2012
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