Just Like That.

Let me tell you a story about this girl i know.
She had friends. Tons of them.
Everyone knew her name, they knew her interests they knew her stories,
and her jokes, and some of them even knew her secrets.
She was known for her smile.
She was a mediator, a dreamer, and known for her sweet attitude.
She was loved, but no one saw what was underneath. None of them saw that that smile was often faked, that that pain was often masked, that underneath that armor of new clothes and laughter was an insecure, jealous, needy, emotional monster.
She went through her days trying not to hurt anyone--physically or verbally--but she also went through her days carrying her heavy armor around, covering herself up from the world, trying not to reveal anything that would make her appear weak or wrong or that anyone could use against her.
That armor wore her down. Carrying twice her weight, she grew slower and weaker.
She wasnt acheiving anything anymore.
She wasnt motivated, she didnt even have a goal anymore.
She had lost all sense of direction and she didnt even have the energy to think about where she was going.
She'd rather just wander aimlessly through the woods, through the thorns, tripping over treestumps and rocks and branches, simply breaking herself down more. Wandering with lack of food and water, she quickly grew thirsty. She searched and searched for water to quench that thirst. She grew so thirsty that she would settle for anything to drink, even a dirty, mossy pond full of unclear water that would simply make her sick.

This girl? Me.

I wear this armor. All the time i wear this armor that covers up all my flaws, but the armor is getting heavier and heavier and i just cant carry it anymore.
I grew so thirsty. So thirsty for love and attention and acceptance that id settle for just about anything to quench that thirst. Now dont get me wrong, i have love and attention and acceptance. I know that and im so thankful for that. I have loving family and friends in my life and i couldnt ask for anything more from them. But this need was bigger than that. This need was crushing me from the insides out.
I felt my heart caving in and then all the rest of me crumbling to pieces.
The thirst could not be filled no matter how much love and acceptance and attention i received. That thirst might have been partially quenched for a short period of time, but it wasnt fulfillment that lasted.
Each time the search to fulfill that thirst grew stronger and bigger and little sips werent enough to quench it anymore, so i walked out deeper and deeper into the pond by day, but suprisingly enough that quenched me less and less than the simple sips. So i did what any other logical person would have done; I lied to myself. 
I told myself i was happy, that i wasnt thirsty, and figured that if i said it long enough i just might start to believe it, But that didnt work either.
I started going deeper; but that didnt work either, that just broke me more inside. I lied to myself and i lied to everyone who loved me.
Anyways, that thirst came back again, so i plunged into that pond, head first, armor and all, But this time something different happened; I started to sink.
This time i couldnt hold myself up. I couldnt hold myself above water.
That armor pulled me down and pulled me under, I gasped for air. I couldnt keep my breath.
As i was about to give up i opened my eyes and saw a hand reaching for mine.
I grasped on and now theres no way i could ever let go.
He saved me.
Jesus saved me.

Im still unsure, on occasion i still fake smiles, i still mask pain.. thats just who i am. I dont trust myself, but i almost feel thats more of a blessing, because if i did i wouldnt ever rely on God, would i? I have enough of a problem with that as it is.

I was drowning in my own lies.
Drowning in my own insecurites.
Drowning in my own pain and fears.

Until one day when i finally acknowledged him reaching out his hand for me. I just decided that day that i didnt want to live that way anymore, and so i changed... Just like that.

Jesus saved me.

Awe is why i grab the pen and beauty is why i scratch it down and all his lighting glory is why i muzzle the voices that say i cant or shouldnt or mustnt because he is my blaze and he is my burn and i cannot be muzzled because what can keep me from telling once the eyes have seen?