God, I will...

Every day I see this, and every day God renews my strength. Missing CHIC more than I ever imagined possible.

What If Money Didn't Matter?

Ask yourself this question.

Extending Love

  It was one of those days. One of those days where everything seems to go wrong. From the moment my feet hit the floor that morning and I realized I'd missed my alarm clock and slept late, the day just felt off. I'd like to say I'm always put together, on time, and poised....but that's just not true. In all honesty, the words "frenzy" and "running a hundred miles an hour with my hair on fire" are more accurate at times. And honestly, as the day went on, I was not feeling that great about life...or myself. Earlier that morning, I found time to put on a little eyeliner, throw on a wrinkled shirt and my comfiest pair of blue jeans, and let my hair air dry on it's own (never the best choice.) As the day wore on, I became more and more discouraged with life. I promised to always be honest with you guys on this blog, and so that means I'm not one of those bloggers - you know the ones - who have the perfect outfit on at all times, complete with red lipstick, a Chanel bag, and Tiffany's earrings - the ideal life, and (somehow) a bank account that always comfortably allows for fancy dinners, shopping sprees, and many weekly exotic outings. I'm just a girl who deals with daily life stuff. Who looks for the good and tries to make the most of every situation. Who is totally open about her flaws.

  But by mid-afternoon that day, due to a combination of having a lot on my mind, being weary, and fighting discouragement, I had to do something. And when push comes to shove, what's a girl to do? I went to get some coffee from the school coffee shop. Coffee will always helps one's state of mind.

  I walked up to the coffee machine and punched the button for my favorite french vanilla cappuccino. And as I fumbled through my backpack, brushing back a stray strand of unruly hair from my face and sighing, the girl who walked up behind me smiled kindly at me. And then she said, "You always look so cute! You just have the prettiest hair and I love your style. I always think you look just so pretty." I was frozen as I found my 50 cents at the bottom of my bag. Tears threatened to flow, and all I could do was quietly stand there and say, "Thank you...you dont know how much i needed to hear that today."

  It was just a short sentence. A few seconds of conversation. A quick exchange. But you know what? It changed my entire day. I'm not just saying that, either. I walked outta there feeling like a new girl (and it wasn't because of the coffee, although that has been known to happen.) Uplifted and encouraged - just because someone took the time to speak a few kind words to me. That sweet girl could have just waited her turn, checked her phone, said nothing at all. But she didn't. She took the time to say something nice to me and she changed my day.

  And it got me thinking, the rest of the week, about the power of words. The sheer power one human being has over another just by speaking words. It's incredible, really. And as I thought about it, I began to think of moments and times in my life when words were spoken to me - words I will never, ever forget. Words are powerful. Words are life-giving, like I experienced at school that day. But words can also hurt and sting, words can stay with you for a lifetime. And they can even shape and define the very people we become. When spoken, words cannot be taken back. If hurtful, they can be forgiven. But usually, they are never forgotten. I began to think about words in my life - defining moments when words were spoken that I will never forget.

"The tongue has the power of life and death."

Proverbs 18:21

Words have power. God spoke the world into existence, just using words alone. Words have meaning.

"And God said, 'Let there be light.' And there was light."

Genesis 1:3

  There are times in the past when people - even friends very close to me - didn't understand me, didn't take time to use their words to ask me what was going on in my heart, didn't take time to use their words to find out why I acted a certain way, why I made certain choices. Instead, words were used to tear me down - to judge, to gossip, to shame. It taught me a very painful lesson - to not only use words to encourage others, but also use words to get to know their hearts. To not judge just by outward appearances, choices, or even attitudes - but to dig deeper and talk - to sit down with someone you don't understand, someone you're even hurt by - and lovingly, graciously put aside judgement and really ask them to use their words to share their heart. In times I've chosen to do that rather than lash out in judgement, slander or gossip with my words - I've often found there's more to the story, more to a person's heart and actions than just what is seen. If people in my life in the past had taken the time to know my heart, a lot of hurt could've been spared.
I know I've been the one who's hurt others at times. I know I've hurt others by careless words. And I wish I could take them back. Realizing the power of words as I get older and have moments when words uplift like that sweet girl's did, I am driven to be more careful - more thoughtful about my words. I want to use the power my words have to give life, hope, love, and encouragement to the people I meet.

  So, at the end of last week - I found myself on the other side of the "coffee situation." And I had a choice to make - a choice to hold my words of encouragement in or use them to build someone else up. A weary girl  numbly fumbled for a cup, and I took the opportunity - I knew it was there - because I knew that look on her face. The same look I wore just days before as I stood in the exact same part. I seized the moment, "You have the prettiest smile," I said - "And I love your headband." She lit up. And she smiled so wide, she laughed. Her whole demeanor changed, the next minute I spent across from her she smiled and said, "Thank you...thank you." And it reminded me of someone else I know....just days before.

  That, is what extending love looks like - not only did my encourager earlier in the week speak life to me, but the very act of encouraging me inspired me to lift up someone else!

  Words bring life or death. They can uplift or drag down. And they live long past the moment they are spoken - they live forever in the mind and heart of the one spoken to...and they can even inspire one to do good.

  Let's use our words in a purposeful way this week - to uplift, bring life, encourage, and inspire. You never know where a little word will take somebody. It could be the one they remember the rest of their life. And that, sweet friend - means something.

Lord Change Me... But Not Yet.

Growing up I always saw big kids as the coolest people to walk the earth. They had phones and could watch PG-13 movies and drink soda. They could go places on their own and drive and buy anything they wanted with all that magical money that just appeared in their wallets. I always said "When im a teenager I'll have the coolest car and the nicest friends and It'll all be grand." When I was younger i never saw that being a big kid had downsides too. I didn't see the responsibilities and the homework and the job that actually provided that money. I never said "When Im older I'll feel helpless!"

But here I am a big kid. With the job and the phone and the friends and the freedom. And somehow It's not as grand as I said it would be. I mean dont get me wrong, I am SO incredibly blessed and life is so beautiful. It's just... more the complications. You see, sometimes big kids have issues with their health, and sometimes big kids have way too much school, and sometimes big kids are so overwhelmed with all their over commitments that they start to suffocate in their freedom.

As a big kid my life has just been spiraling. Like a spinning, spitting tornado twisting at 280 miles a minute (yes, stereotypical Kansan making a tornado reference). It's like this constant weight on my shoulders. A constant stress and worry over getting my homework done on time, keeping good grades, getting to work, keeping up with all my friends, eating healthy, keeping my promise with every single one of my over commitments. Im just so tired of it. Even though all of my commitments are good things that im doing for good reasons, i need to step back and evaluate what's really important. Because even though im a social person, I need alone time. I need time where I can step back and talk with God and think and look at everything going on in my life. Because It's so easy for me to just get caught up and keep going  down a path that maybe I shouldn't be on in the first place. Even though I dont really have the time today, im blowing off some of my responsibilities and taking that time.

Im just sitting here contemplating my heart. Its funny how I say I want change in my heart, until it requires change in my life. I want change until I see that its's going to sting. I want to be that role model for my sisters and that honorable young woman that my parents can always be proud of, but I find that more often than not im all talk. I always have the right words and I make good decisions and im a kind person, but what it comes down to is it's not that I do those things because of Christ dying for me, it's because I've been raised with such a strong Conscience, and that gets me think about how little I do every day as a sacrifice for Christ. Every day I fall short. Every day I sin. And I acknowledge that sin in my life and I say I need to change, but saying it isn't enough. Saying that I need to change is nothing more than saying that I need that new pair of pants in that window display at the mall. The saddest part is that I probably will pursue those pants more than I will the change i need in my life. Those pretty words I spit out aren't pretty if they aren't real and true.

In Saint Augustine's book, Confessions, he prayed that the Lord would change him... but not yet!
I feel like that so accurately represents my heart. I want this change but im not willing to let the Lord change me. I ask for change in my life but not in my heart and then im confused when i have the same outcome. Like water on the sand, or grasping at the wind, I keep falling short.

I need to step back on my commitments to society, and step forward to the promise that I made to Jesus Christ when I was 8 years old. The promise to follow him and give him my very best every single day. Because as I've become this big kid, I've let my freedom get the best of me. Every time I put anything in my life above Christ, even if it was a good thing, it becomes an idol in my life. I struggle with the condition of my heart because even though Jesus showed me grace and died for me, I still continue to sin. And that's when I have to remind myself that it's grace because I dont deserve it. I continually fail God, yet he never stops giving me another chance. I want to change the world, but I've never worked to change myself, and it's about time I give the Lord complete control over my life.

Like water on the sand, or grasping at the wind, i keep on falling short. Lord please be my strength, 'cause i dont have any more. You are my strength; you and you alone keep bringing me back home.

Sunrise

As I'm sitting here this morning at 6:37 am, just as the sun is peeking Over the hill and the trees, I'm contemplating Gods sovereignty. As im sitting here, listening to the birds cheerful chirps, I'm embracing my blessings. I always say I'm not a morning person, but I guess its just more I'm not a get up early just to rush and get on with my day kind of person. Because its not that I hate mornings, it's that I hate that a stressful day is about to begin. Because as I'm sitting here, watching the sun rise, I'm engulfed in its glory, and the glory of our God, as it shouts "He is powerful! He is mighty! He is just!" And as the world comes alive, as the trees gently rustle in the wind, and the birds flirt with everything around them, and whistle with joy, another day has begun. Another blessed day, a gift from the Lord. And now I'm seeing, I AM a morning person. This sunrise puts me at ease, these birds make me want to sing, this wind makes me want to dance, and although it's early, the world is even more beautiful. From this moment on, everything in nature will appear as more than just trees, and creatures, and grass, I will see it for he miracle and inspiring beauty that it is. Praise Jehovah!

He Always Takes Me Back

Failure.
The word that comes to mind when i think of my dedication to the Lord.
Wreck.
The word that comes to mind when i think about my life, every time i lose my dedication.
Entitled.
How the world has taught me to see myself.

Over and over and over again i fail the one who died for me.
Over and over and over again i get into these power struggles with the one who created me. 
Over and over and over again i see myself as most important and see every blessing in my life as deserved.
I hate myself for it, but somehow God loves me just the same. I really cant grasp it, because if i were him id be so sick of me... But somehow he sticks with me and gives little feeble broken me chance after chance. He gives me hope. Its crazy, having a God who always takes me back, no matter what ive done. Hallelujah, Praise him!

Rain Empowers

I watched a butterfly today,
her wings flipped and fluttered
to dry the dampened dew from
clogging what were her means
of escape, her wings of chance,
her future, laid bare and brutalized.

I love sudden downpours the best,
blue skies turned gray in surprise
with little time to hide before droplets
of heaven’s tears consume the earth,
seeping into cracks and crevices;
to fill the drying land with tides of change.

Floods consume the all-too-thirsty,
thrust themselves into burning fields
and soon abandoned houses; developments
caught in mud slide paths, with nothing
left but filth and grime, only to chase
the pure who’ve left alive.

The rain seems to follow tragedy,
spit upon the homeless and forgotten
with cackles and laughs to illuminate
the sky in thunder, rumbling reminders
of our vulnerability, easily ruined
in lakes too deep and waves too strong.

For rain is seen as horror, drowning
children lost beneath the puddles in
graveyards built too level and paved
too narrow with shallow graves to
try and hide the bodies, longing
for the sunshine just as we do.

I live beneath the drops that fall from
clouds, too heavy to float another inch;
I live like grass and plants and weeds,
turned brown from drought and envy
underwater plants; I live for puddled pools,
riddled with ringlet raindrops waves,

for just as the earth, I crack without the rain.

The rain empowers me in the same ways that sad songs and black and white movies and dark colors do. The gloomy aspects of those things make everything else seem just that much brighter.

Death Of YOLO

Side Effects

the first lie i
told was that i
was fine and
then it was just
a dot on my
windshield, i
could keep that one
straight, always;

the latest lie
is that i am
completely moved on
from someone i met in
the sun;

no one ever told me
that lying leaves
a sugary taste in your
mouth and reminds
you what you’ve done

no one ever said that
lying is an old friend that
you see again and
wish desperately to
approach but can’t
because of the crowd;

no one ever mentioned
that lying is like smiling
for the first time;

no one said
i’d fall half in love
with it

Forgiveness.

Its something I've always struggled with. Not forgiving others, because I've never had a problem with that, people have actually told me that i forgive a little too easily... if that's possible, But when i talk about having trouble with forgiveness, im talking about accepting forgiveness. I guess that can be a good thing, because it makes me always strive to fix what i do wrong, and makes me strive to make good decisions and not to disappoint my family and my friends and most importantly God. But it also has another side to it.
I cannot accept that God forgives me.
I cant look at everything ive done wrong in life and see God take it from me.
I cant accept that someone so perfect would look at my sin and tell me not to worry,
and that he loves me,
and that he forgives me for my mistakes.
And so I beat up on myself. I cry because when I listen to myself, I hear: I'll never be good enough. I'll never be satisfied with myself. I'll never consider myself to be valuable to my creator. And then I realize that my thinking is completely backwards. And that in my self-loathing, I'm defiling something that God created to be pure and beautiful and holy. Not my actions, which are sinful-- that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about me. Because my sin HAS been washed away. I'm talking about the reality that I'm justified in the eyes of my creator. He looks at my filth and sees Jesus' blood and it's finished. I know that.

So i guess me having trouble feeling forgiven, and not accepting my fathers gift, is my pride at work, me wanting to earn my salvation. And in my prideful self relying search of salvation, im losing sight of the father, and putting myself on a pedestal, trying to make myself my savior.

Its funny. How pride and self-loathing are my two biggest problems. How i can put myself up on this pedestal one moment, trying to save myself, thinking that i can do all things on my own and i can do them better than the Lord could do them... And then continue to treat myself like garbage, somehow warping truth & thinking I need to be punished for the crappy stuff I've done-- for my continual failures and shortcomings. Thinking that I need to suffer for my wrongs, as though they require more payment... As though Jesus' death was somehow insufficient.

I cry because I can't bring myself to accept His grace. Not that I don't think it's adequate.. I know it's more than enough. The insufficiency I'm overwhelmed with is my own. I don't feel like I'm worthy of anything, let alone perfect love. I just have to remind myself... The point of grace is that I don't deserve it. Because when I'm utterly incapable on my own, that's when God get's all the credit. And my self-worth should reflect the fact that I'm a part of God's kingdom. The point of everything is for God to receive the most glory. And that isn't achieved by me punishing myself, it's achieved by complete humility, gratitude, submission and praise.

Just So Tired

This is what is being taught as "real" to our generation.
If you ask me the unaltered picture is a whole lot more beautiful anyway.

Mind Your Heart

"Guard your heart

above all else

for it determines the course of your life."

-Proverbs 4:23

I opened my Bible this morning, and found this verse was my daily reading.

And then, it was in a book I read later. And in a quote on Pinterest I stumbled upon. And in a tweet by a friend. So mid-afternoon, I stopped and said - "Okay, Lord...I'm listening!" Actually, the topic of guarding my heart has been on my heart lately (redundant much?!) And I pulled out an old book which reminded,

"We must police our hearts with

faithful,

silent regularity."

And went on to tell a story that I'd like to share with you...

"An elderly, quiet forest dweller once lived high above an Austrian village along the eastern slopes of the Alps. Many years ago, the town council had hired this old gentleman as Keeper of the Spring to maintain the purity of the pools of water in the mountain crevices. The overflow from these pools ran down the mountainside and fed the lovely spring which flowed through the town. With faithful, silent regularity, the Keeper of the Spring patrolled the hills, removed the leaves and branches from the pools, and wiped away the silt that would otherwise choke and contaminate the fresh flow of water.

By and by, the village became a popular attraction for vacationers. Graceful swans floated along the crystal-clear spring, the mill wheels of various businesses located near the water turned day and night, farmlands were naturally irrigated, and the view from restaurants sparkled.

Years passed. One evening the town council met for its semiannual meeting. One evening the town council met for its budget, one man's eye caught the salary paid the obscure Keeper of the Spring. 'Who is this old man?' he asked indignantly. 'Why do we keep paying him year after year? No one ever sees him. For all we know, this man does us no good. He isn't necessary any longer!' By a unanimous vote, the council dispensed with the old man's services.

For several weeks, nothing changed. But by early autumn, the trees began to shed their leaves. Small branches snapped off and fell into the pools, hindering the rushing flow of sparkling water. One afternoon, someone noticed a slight yellow-ish brown tint in the spring. A few days later, the water had darkened even more. Within a week, a slimy film covered sections of the spring. The mill wheels moved slowly; some finally ground to a halt. Businesses located near the water closed. The swans migrated to fresher waters far away, and tourists no longer visited the town. Eventually, the clammy fingers of disease and sickness reached deeply into the village.

The shortsighted town council enjoyed the beauty of the spring but underestimated the importance of guarding its source. We can make the same mistake in our lives. Like the Keeper of the Spring who maintained the purity of the water, you and I are the Keepers of Our Hearts. We need to consistently evaluate the little things that contaminate us. As God reveals our wrong attitudes, longings, and desires, we must remove them from our hearts."

-by Joshua Harris, book here.

This story is such a reminder for me. Guarding what comes into our eyes and ears can seem meaningless. "What's wrong with watching this one music video?" or flipping through channels and stopping on that one funny show - it won't hurt just one time, right? Logging onto this website or watching that movie? But I am finding that all the things we put into our heart and mind, one by one, truly do change and alter how we think, act, and what we believe.

Sometimes, I find myself getting "lax" in what I watch, listen to, read. Slowly but surely, the things we watch and listen to can undermine what we truly believe. They allow little whispers into our once-steady minds that say, "It's okay just this once..." and "Don't be over the top..." and instead of remembering truth and what God says in the Bible, we are influenced in our thinking by what the culture says - the lies of the Enemy that ultimately will kill, steal, and destroy what God wants for us - His best.

As hard as it can sometimes be, I want to be more faithful in guarding what comes into my heart and mind. Being careful about what I watch, listen to, look at, and read. Forgetting what other people say is "okay" to watch, "fine" to listen to...and listen to what the Lord lays on my heart - what He convicts me of.

"May the words of my mouth

and the meditations of my heart

be pleasing in Your sight, O Lord."

-Psalm 19:14

Remember that...

 "God is greater than our hearts, and knows everything."

-1 John 3:20.

What a comfort to know, even when we fail and fall - He is greater and with mercy and grace, gives us the strength to guard our hearts and fill them with what pleases Him.

May this be our prayer:

"Teach my Your way, O Lord

and I will walk in Your truth.

Give me an undivided heart,

that I may fear Your name."

-Psalm 86:11

in everything you do...

mind your heart!

Resounding Faithfulness

Yesterday afternoon I spent some time reading through my journal and my blog from the end of last summer up until now. And it did take a solid chunk of time... But spelled out within those pages is quite the journey, let me tell you. In pouring over my struggles, triumphs, lamentations, joys and questions from the past year, I saw growth. I saw prayers answered. I saw God's faithfulness. A part of me wishes I could go through and give a follow-up post for all the things I wrote here that God responded to.
It would take me ages.
The most reoccurring question throughout the whole year was, "What is the matter with me?"
Cried out because i didn't feel valued or good enough or smart enough. But generally it was cried out in regards to me repeatedly not trusting completely in God's plan, which seems to have been, in no uncertain terms, my theme for the past year. My own naivety has been a source of almost constant amazement; I'm so small and insignificant and inadequate and unaware. Which I'm capable of spotting from three and a half miles away on my own, but when contrasted against the overwhelming majesty of God....... Yeah. I'm essentially nothing. And contrary to the general consensus of the American public, I've learned that this is, in fact, a wonderful thing.What an awesome god we serve.

Unconditional. Sacrificial. Patient. True.

Hi Daddy,

Have i ever told you that you're the most perfect dad, a daughter could ever wish for? Well, yes you are. I could not imagine life without your teachings, wisdom and trainings. You have taught me the value of hard work, perseverance and faith in God; and even if you have not taught me, your life is a living testimony to it all.
You've always been there for me, and you always give me the benefit of the doubt and I really appreciate that. As I've grown up I don't always agree with you and mom, but you always help me talk through it and you respect my thoughts.
I can honestly say that if I did not have a Dad as caring and loving as you are, one that understands and only wants the best for me, I wouldn't be who I am today.
Your care for me brings into sharp focus the love of Our Savior. Unconditional. Sacrificial. Patient. True. Serving. Consistent. Present. Your courage has brought me to raise my own heart up in praise before mankind. Your transparent confession of sin and weakness has inclined me to retreat into Christ’s righteousness at the sight of my own. I haven't just copied your faith, But i've sincerely found the Lord Jesus Christ as my own.
God is who makes us what we are, but He used your amazing fatherly aspects to make me so much of who I am, and that affects my whole life. I have heard it said that you are made up of the people you come in contact with. I know that is true because I caught your zest for life, your positive outlook, your passion for family, and your drive to do things and go for it.
Thank you, Daddy, for teaching me these things through how you live your life. I just want you to know that I think the world of you and love you so much.
I could go on and on, but I must stop some time. Dad, you have affected my life more than you will ever know. I praise God for you every day.
Happy fathers day!

Your adoring daughter,
Anna

Forgiveness... pass it on. -marjolein dijkstra

Define Love.

There's something i want you to do before you read any further.
I want you to take a minute and think about love.
Define it.

There's this quote i keep seeing.. "Falling in Love Only Takes About a Fifth of a Second."
One fifth of a second my butt.
That quote is all over. A few of my friends have been using it too.
 Ive really thought about it and come to the conclusion that what really helps determine your feelings on that quote is your definition of love.

Girls drive me crazy...
they seem to confuse love and infatution.
"Oh love.. you know, its when you think someone is hot, and they can make you laugh, and you can trust them, and you want someone to make you not feel lonely."
Hold up, wait what? Really? Is that all? Because ive been raised to see it a little differently.

1st Corinthians 13:4-8
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

That is what the Bible says about love. That's what i've been taught. Ive been so loved in my life that i cant imagine seeing it any differently. Im so blinded by Gods love, and that makes it hard for me to see people reacting differently and seeing love as such a puny force or infatuation. Love is so much bigger, so much louder than that.

If you never realize how valued, accepted, and loved you are by your Father, you will constantly look for it from other people. You will constantly think and wonder why, “nobody loves me”, “my needs aren’t getting met”, “my parent’s don’t value me”, “nobody cares”, and on and on. You’ll pursue relationships for what you can get rather than what you can give. In fact, you won’t even give unless you are sure you can get it back. You’ll treat people based on how much they value you, rather than how much value you can give them. You’ll get your sense of significance from the opinion everybody around you so you end up laying down your life to please each opinion to the point where you no longer even have an identity because you’ve allowed 50 people to define you. And then you basically end up making people your “lord” because you’ve given your life to please them and cater to their opinions. That’s what happens when you allow people define your worth, when you allow a man’s voice to determine your significance… you’ll constantly live in fear as to whether you’ll be accepted or not. That’s what happens when you don’t know how already valued, accepted, and loved you are by your Father. You have to understand that He paid a price… and He believed that what He was buying was worth the price. He sees value in you, you are significant in His eyes, but if you don’t believe it, then you’ll always be craving the attention and approval from a boyfriend/girlfriend, from parents, from leaders, and you’ll never feel like you “measure up” unless you hear it from someone.

Stop searching for your acceptance and love and attention from a boyfriend or girlfriend.
Hear from God.
“You are my beloved. In YOU I am well pleased.”

Don’t believe the other lies.
Don’t sell yourself short.
Don’t base your worth on what others have said.
Don’t get your identity from your past failures or shortcomings.
You are not the summation of everyone else’s opinion.
You were made in the image of God, formed into a glorious creation, you are His masterpiece, He has called you to a royal priesthood.

The King of Kings has called YOU His temple.
You can boldly approach Him.
To believe any less is to believe a lie.
Do not let any opinion influence you more than the opinion of the one Who made you.
He loves you more than any man ever will. The only true real perfect love comes from God, so dont go searching for that acceptance and love from every boy that will give you an ounce of attention. Dont try and fill that need to be loved with boys who arent worth your time.. Your heart is Gods. Your heart is SACRED.

So ill ask again... define love.

Her life was beautiful from the outside,
but the inside was empty.
That emptiness was constantly being filled with more emptiness
in an attempt to fill the cracks.
The more it was filled the bigger the emptiness became,
until one day when love was finally found.
Not that puny infatuation stuff,
but real love.
Love that overcame all wrongs.
Love that saved.
The secret ingredient was love.

1st Corinthians 13

Something I've learned this year is this: it's not actually as black and white as I'd like it to be.

from Alice's Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll:
'Stigand, the patriotic archbishop of Canterbury, found it advisable — "'
'Found what?' said the Duck.
'Found it,' the Mouse replied rather crossly: 'of course you know what "it" means.'
'I know what "it" means well enough, when I find a thing,' said the Duck: 'it's generally a frog or a worm. The question is, what did the archbishop find?'

To "it", in this case, I might ascribe the meaning of the word "salvation", or perhaps "spiritual maturity" or "being a Christ-follower". I'm not talking about myself, here, so everyone can take a nice deep breath... I'm very secure in my salvation, my own understanding of maturity as it's described in the New Testament, and how I'm called to live my life in a way that's worthy of being labeled as a Christ-follower. But wherein lies the diction of these things? My own understanding of them comes from my life, my experiences, my education, doesn't it? And I'd like to think my understanding is as close to truth, as close to scripture as it can be...

I meet people who don't think the bible is to be taken literally, and others who would use the church as a happy, social part of life (and if at any point it doesn't fit that need, they don't hesitate to jump ship.) And I meet people who talk about loving Jesus, but not feeling a need to study scriptures or grow in their understanding of God, and still others who have all the head knowledge in the world about God and the bible, but I don't see it affecting their lives-- their actions and words and general behavior-- I don't see the change in their hearts, not even a little bit. I'm talking about the people I meet and interact with, the people around me who, like so many Americans, call themselves 'Christians' but really don't seem to be. After pondering for a few days, I've come upon the reason things seem grey:

I'm a crappy judge.

1 Samuel 16:7
"Man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”

There are cases, most definitely, when I can tangibly see evidence of whether or not a person has been redeemed. I gaze upon a completely misconstrued understanding of God and of the cross, or I look at the fruit of a Christian's life out of which the love of God overflows. But the thing is, I don't actually know. I only know where my own heart is; I can only be sure of my own salvation. And the people whose theology is perhaps twisted and skewed-- deviating from scriptures and what I know to be truth-- I will never truly know the condition of their hearts until I see them in heaven-- or I don't.

And I'm not here to discuss how we do or don't really know if people are saved, I'm here to talk about the practical application of my non-informedness. It breaks my heart... More than anything, I want to gush truth into these peoples' lives. I want them to see where they have erred and I want them to experience the joy of redemption and freedom in Christ, and of growing in their understanding of God. But pelting them with scripture and theology and apologetics, is that really what's best? What's most effective? What Christ would've done?

from Come Around by Jimmy Needham:
Maybe for a minute I can get back to the heart of it
Sure I've got zeal, but does love have a part in it?
Passionate words and beautiful phrases
They just don't mean much if I don't have Jesus in it
We pass out paper facts all week but they won't come around
We can debate theology but they won't come around Apologetic reasoning, but they won't come around, come around
There's only one way they'll come
and it's love.

How Fickle My Heart; How Faithful His

I say I know God's plan. I say I'm ready, ready for my life to begin.
When did I start thinking my life hadn't already begun?
I've been wasting away in this stagnancy, thinking that some event or another will mark the start of it all. How have I been content in that? How can I sit and wait on another person to... to what? Make me feel more complete? Make me feel valued? Secure? What evidence has anyone ever seen of the things of this earth offering true satisfaction, true comfort, true peace? It's funny, really. I get into power struggles with the one who created me--- and I consistently lose. But the more I surrender to God, the more He breaks down the things I try to find security in. And the more He takes my comfort blankets away, the more I realize that He is enough. HE'S ENOUGH. What in the world is the matter with me that I can't just abide in that?
I'm becoming increasingly aware of my own insufficiency; it's SO evident to me. I live for the moments when I realize my weakness is His strength. I just want to soak that up... I really do. I long for the ability to recklessly abandon everything. But again and again, in my idiotic unfaithfulness, I try to take control of my life. Struggles consume me and I finally give them over to God, but I still won't let Him have my future.
He's the Author of the Universe. What's wrong with me?
I found this note stuck in my bible, a prayer I wrote down last summer. It was pretty long, but this particular piece caught me:

I want so badly to know what's in store for me, but I know that if you showed me a glimpse of the future, all I would do is become impatient with your timing: and your timing is perfect. Lord, allow me to be content with waiting, with trusting and not knowing what's around the corner. Give me peace; quiet my heart.

It hasn't lost any truth.

Express Yourself

Im always finding new ways to express myself.

This whole school year ive been journaling and writing, but i started wanting it to have a visual aspect as well, something more than just words on a paper.. and so i started this. This is my newest addition to my journal, tonights expression. Pastels and old music sheets. As i continue on this new idea and aspect of writing, i plan on posting and sharing them here, id love to hear your feedback! 

Thanks for being such dedicated followers!

xoxo,

Anna

Sufficient Is Tomorrow's Worry

Sometimes I get scared by the things that scare me.

The full potential of that sentence to convey what I'm trying to get across could very easily be lost in the illogicality of the English language.
Let's try again:
I get freaked out when I take a closer look at the types of things that worry me.
Did you get it that time?

There are silly things and there are not so silly things. For example: I worry about losing my ability to write when I get busy. With that one I'm like, "Aiiiiiight: WHY am I actually worrying about this? What's wrong with me? I feel like writing is more of a riding-a-bike thing than a using-the-quadratic-formula thing. You don't ever have to re-learn it, it just kind of sticks with you."

But then... I worry about being utterly miserable when I don't get to spend time with those I love and cherish and don't want to replace... Like Adam going off to college. And on this I muse, "There's merit here: this is scratching the surface of a potentially huge problem. I thrive on closeness. I'm passionate about my relationships. Am I setting myself up for a depressed life of pining after those I can't hug every morning?"

I freak myself out, going on these tangents that carry me off until I have sneaky tears sliding down my face, mourning the idea that my friends will forget me; that I'm not a sufficient friend, sister, daughter; that I'm incapable of helping others; that I'm too silly or too stupid or too selfish; that I'm not appropriately stewarding God's gifts; that I don't know where the heck I'm going in life and, thus, am wasting the time I've been given, floating around aimlessly without direction or purpose--

But, alas. I'm reminded that none of it is true.
And that worry is a synonym for not trusting God's plan.
And I'm beating this dead, rotting horse more than I can believe, but allow me to say it once more-- because in my insecure, doubtful state I need to be reminded so often: God does have a plan. And I am safest in His hands. He has purpose and direction for my life that is better than anything I could ever dream up. And when I'm feeling insufficient or worried or anxious and don't trust Him, He will gently guide me back into His loving arms and show me that He is all I need.

Matthew 6:
Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also... Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.'s

Use It.

This whole blog thing, I think it's good for me.
It's Vick's VapoRub for my soul, or something.

Okay, maybe not the best metaphor. Whatever, I'm trying to mull through a few ideas right now and string them together in the process. Forcing myself to write out my honest thoughts for others to see has been really hard for me. Which is odd, cause I'm incredibly vocal about my opinions 98.3% of the time. But it's these ideas-- and I now realize this is what Stephen King was talking about--- it's these complex issues I'm struggling with that get at the heart of me; the destitute truths buried down deep somewhere I'd rather not have exposed to sunlight... That's the stuff that people need to see, and it's also the stuff that's hardest to let people see.

It's much more comfortable for me to hide behind this facade of carefree lunacy and sarcasm, never taking anything seriously and bursting into laughter when anyone takes me seriously.. I promise that's genuinely a part of who I am, and both my creator and my brother have had profound influences on that part of me developing. But it nags at me sometimes, that some people only see that side of me. And there are weird quirks to my personality that I do need to mold; there are moments, quite frequently, when I, like every other sinful human being (which is all of us by the way), realize that I'm not being an accurate representation of my savior. Not even close. And it breaks my heart, little by little, until I feel that I shouldn't have this gift I didn't deserve in the first place-- Why didn't Jesus pick someone better suited to shed his light on an unbelieving world?

I was sitting in a doctor's office the other day, waiting for my name to be called and waiting to get more blood work run, and I overheard a woman talking with the receptionist about an elderly man they both knew. It was the woman's grandfather, and the receptionist had met him a few days before. And the way they described this man, the way he treated everyone around him... He would see someone looking a little down and, no matter where they were or who it was, he would take their hands and pray for them right there. His gift of kindness and gentle wisdom and a joyful spirit... I could close my eyes and picture his wrinkled, friendly smile just pouring out Jesus' love. They both spoke with such conviction about what an astonishingly godly man he was, the legacy his actions shouted from the rooftops.

I have these gifts, these seemingly random, sometimes frustrating gifts that my gracious Savior has blessed me with, that I occasionally shove to the back corner because I'm afraid to do what He created me for. I seem like the type of person who would love getting up on stage and performing... False.

I cry.

I cry just attempting to type how it makes me feel. Inadequate is the word the tempter is screaming at my subconscious.

When it comes to my gifts, I have an insatiable lust for perfection, recognition from others, satisfaction with myself... And it's crippling. It shouldn't be a hard way to bless others. Music. Art. Written works. It seems basic enough... But I am inherently either petrified of something not being good enough-- me not being good enough-- or, if by some miracle I'm satisfied with whatever it is that I'm doing, I completely soak up the glory and approval of those around me like a glass of ice water on a kansas summer's day, when the heat index is like 117 and it hasn't rained in two weeks. I cannot find balance. I cannot find balance on my own.

Cowardice and pride, two things that, for me, appear to be two conflicting feelings, are my two greatest sins. And it happens when I haven't centered everything I do around Christ.

I'm going to paint a picture today, and I'm going to paint it for my Savior, to bless and uplift those around me. I'm not going to punish and berate myself when it isn't perfect, and I'm going to rebound any praise I get right back at my Lord and Master, the Creator who is ultimately responsible for every single piece of fruit the labor of my tiny, uncoordinated hands that He has graciously given me produce. Thank God for my ability to even hold a paint brush. To even have a voice. To be able to convey my ideas. Nothing I do comes from me. NOTHING I DO COMES FROM ME. I am NOTHING. This life is NOT a story about me. I am a wave in the ocean. I am a speck of dust in the wind. I will be gone in the blink of an eye-- but with a shred of help from my Master, maybe my sinfully proud, feeble self can leave a glimpse of a legacy that glorifies Him, that points straight to the cross and undeniably cries out that Jesus rose; because that is the greatest and most noble thing I, or anyone, could possibly accomplish in this life.

Also, who am I kidding? Vick's VapoRub is SUCH an accurate metaphor.

Hurry Ruins.

“Many poets are not poets for the same reason that many religious men are not saints: they never succeed in being themselves. They never get around to being the particular poet or the particular monk they are intended to be by God. They never become the man or the artist who is called for by all the circumstances of their individual lives. They waste their years in vain efforts to be some other poet, some other saint...They wear out their minds and bodies in a hopeless endeavor to have somebody else's experiences or write somebody else's poems. There can be an intense egoism in following everybody else. People are in a hurry to magnify themselves by imitating what is popular - and too lazy to think of anything better. Hurry ruins saints as well as artists. They want quick success and they are in such haste to get it that they cannot take time to be true to themselves. And when the madness is upon them they argue that their very haste is a species of integrity."

 ~ Thomas Merton 

It's somewhat surreal

...that I'm sitting by a roaring campfire, looking at a sky full of stars, and I'm posting a blog by using my phone. I can't be the only one who thinks... Wow. That's crazy. I think we continue to take for granted the technological advances. Just like we take for granted the star-filled sky overhead. To say this sky is beautiful is an understatement. To say it is awe-inspiring is not enough. To say it is mesmerizing is true but not close to accurate. 

Your love, O Lord, reaches to the heavens. Your faithfulness to the skies. (Psalm 36:5)

For as amazing and big and vast and awe-inspiring and mesmerizing and beautiful this sky is... God's love is bigger. And just when I think I can focus on how big it is, God's love is bigger still. And then you think of 1 Corinthians 13 that says Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast. It is not proud. It is not rude or self-seeking. It is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. It always trusts, always protects, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. 

Then... I think about it again but every time I say the word Love or It, I put in God's name... Or Jesus' Name... And then I stare up at this big ol' sky and go ... Wow! Thanks God for loving me this much. Thanks for loving me regardless, in spite of my faults, through good times and bad...and so on.
Maybe you can go take a peak outside tonight or tomorrow night and catch a glimpse of how big the sky is...and how big His love for you is... It's a lil surreal...

I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings

"The free bird leaps
on the back of the win
and floats downstream
till the current ends
and dips his wings
in the orange sun rays
and dares to claim the sky.

But a bird that stalks
down his narrow cage
can seldom see through
his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and
his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings
with fearful trill
of the things unknown
but longed for still
and is tune is heard
on the distant hillfor the caged bird
sings of freedom

The free bird thinks of another breeze
an the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn
and he names the sky his own.

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing

The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom."

Let him love you as you are

A raw, genuine prayer from a prostitute who is simply herself before Jesus, swearwords and all, ministers more to the heart of the Father than all of the rote, religious lip-service coming forth from the mouth of many Christians today.
Your Dad doesn’t want you to pretend or try to be someone else when you talk to Him.
Let Him love you as you are, with all your fears, your insecurities, your worries, and personal shortcomings.
It is not your job to clean yourself up.
The Father’s desire is to lovingly remind you how clean His sacrifice has already made you and help you walk in that reality more and more every day.

Just Like That.

Let me tell you a story about this girl i know.
She had friends. Tons of them.
Everyone knew her name, they knew her interests they knew her stories,
and her jokes, and some of them even knew her secrets.
She was known for her smile.
She was a mediator, a dreamer, and known for her sweet attitude.
She was loved, but no one saw what was underneath. None of them saw that that smile was often faked, that that pain was often masked, that underneath that armor of new clothes and laughter was an insecure, jealous, needy, emotional monster.
She went through her days trying not to hurt anyone--physically or verbally--but she also went through her days carrying her heavy armor around, covering herself up from the world, trying not to reveal anything that would make her appear weak or wrong or that anyone could use against her.
That armor wore her down. Carrying twice her weight, she grew slower and weaker.
She wasnt acheiving anything anymore.
She wasnt motivated, she didnt even have a goal anymore.
She had lost all sense of direction and she didnt even have the energy to think about where she was going.
She'd rather just wander aimlessly through the woods, through the thorns, tripping over treestumps and rocks and branches, simply breaking herself down more. Wandering with lack of food and water, she quickly grew thirsty. She searched and searched for water to quench that thirst. She grew so thirsty that she would settle for anything to drink, even a dirty, mossy pond full of unclear water that would simply make her sick.

This girl? Me.

I wear this armor. All the time i wear this armor that covers up all my flaws, but the armor is getting heavier and heavier and i just cant carry it anymore.
I grew so thirsty. So thirsty for love and attention and acceptance that id settle for just about anything to quench that thirst. Now dont get me wrong, i have love and attention and acceptance. I know that and im so thankful for that. I have loving family and friends in my life and i couldnt ask for anything more from them. But this need was bigger than that. This need was crushing me from the insides out.
I felt my heart caving in and then all the rest of me crumbling to pieces.
The thirst could not be filled no matter how much love and acceptance and attention i received. That thirst might have been partially quenched for a short period of time, but it wasnt fulfillment that lasted.
Each time the search to fulfill that thirst grew stronger and bigger and little sips werent enough to quench it anymore, so i walked out deeper and deeper into the pond by day, but suprisingly enough that quenched me less and less than the simple sips. So i did what any other logical person would have done; I lied to myself. 
I told myself i was happy, that i wasnt thirsty, and figured that if i said it long enough i just might start to believe it, But that didnt work either.
I started going deeper; but that didnt work either, that just broke me more inside. I lied to myself and i lied to everyone who loved me.
Anyways, that thirst came back again, so i plunged into that pond, head first, armor and all, But this time something different happened; I started to sink.
This time i couldnt hold myself up. I couldnt hold myself above water.
That armor pulled me down and pulled me under, I gasped for air. I couldnt keep my breath.
As i was about to give up i opened my eyes and saw a hand reaching for mine.
I grasped on and now theres no way i could ever let go.
He saved me.
Jesus saved me.

Im still unsure, on occasion i still fake smiles, i still mask pain.. thats just who i am. I dont trust myself, but i almost feel thats more of a blessing, because if i did i wouldnt ever rely on God, would i? I have enough of a problem with that as it is.

I was drowning in my own lies.
Drowning in my own insecurites.
Drowning in my own pain and fears.

Until one day when i finally acknowledged him reaching out his hand for me. I just decided that day that i didnt want to live that way anymore, and so i changed... Just like that.

Jesus saved me.

Awe is why i grab the pen and beauty is why i scratch it down and all his lighting glory is why i muzzle the voices that say i cant or shouldnt or mustnt because he is my blaze and he is my burn and i cannot be muzzled because what can keep me from telling once the eyes have seen?

Recurrent, but tangible.

I've talked about this deep, burning desire within me to create...
to love people and enjoy fellowship and just take in creation's echo of majesty.
But I'm bogged down. By school and sickness and work and the ever-present feeling of having to catch up with myself. It's suffocating; it's killing me, slowly; every day I don't touch my bible, sing, go on a bike ride, bake brownies, take a picture, feel the sun on my face or consider the enormity of my creator, a piece of me wastes away.
So tonight, at about 6:53, I was limping home thinking about what I should eat for supper and all the homework I had yet to do.... and it was as though someone whispered in my ear,
"This isn't what you need right now."
I thought the appropriate response would be: 'Yes; thank you, small voice in my head.. That's very astute of you.'
But the more I lingered on the idea, the more it grew in complexity-- and specificity-- until I arrived at,
"This isn't what you were created for. You're choosing to break yourself apart for no tangible reason. Who is it helping? What are your motives? THIS ISN'T WHAT YOU WERE CREATED FOR."
My God is a jealous god... I love that about Him. He wants me--- all of me. Not on sunday mornings; not when I find a spare moment.... Undivided attention. And it's easy to tell when God wants something. I try to walk the wrong direction and everything blows up in my face..
I'm falling behind on my mass of homework.
I'm tired all the time.
I'm sick.
And today I realized how selfish my motivations are for keeping pointless things first.
.........sakdjfhilawerkjbgklasfd.

Technology ruins lives.

I'm sitting in the library,
trying to work on an essay

but getting distracted by the guy sitting next to me. 

I'm pretty sure he's a pedophile. 

I'm sitting in a cushy armchair, 

munching on dry cereal and wishing I had headphones so I could listen to music. 

I'm sitting by a window, watching and contemplating God's sovereignty. 

I'm sitting near a guy and a girl who are in a relationship, 

a couple that has been there for an hour 

and barely spoken 10 words to each other.

They walked in together.
They found a pair of chairs.
They each pulled out their fancy shmancy smart phones 

and never looked back.
Do you s'pose they're in love? 

Do you s'pose they think they are?
I mean, I know I don't know them...
But...
That can't be what it's s'posed to look like.

Life Sneaks Up.

I remember when I was a youngin'.

I thought high school kids were SO cool.

They were so... adulty.

Independent. Confident. Awesome.

It was like, "Mannnn, I can't wait until I'm that old!"

Welp...

Here I am.

And some days I have to remind myself that I am, in fact, this old.

It's those days — the days when real life sneaks up, whops me on the back of the head and proceeds to run away, giggling — that I ask,

"EY! When did YOU get here?!"

Ridiculous, really — I've spent so much time in the last few years sitting around, praying and asking God for things. Telling Him I'm ready for this and that; ready to be used by Him and ready for real life to begin. As though I knew better than He what I was and was not ready for; as though 'real life' was something I hadn't yet entered.....

He waited patiently for the day that I finally realized I wasn't in control; the day when I willingly handed over the reins to the One who actually knows what the destination is. It was on this day that I realized that I was far better off trusting in the Author of the universe with my story than trying to feebly construct something of beauty on my own— and oh, what a day it was.

(a Tuesday, I think...)

Up next was the period in my life where I asked God what the plan was. I had acknowledged my lack-of-control-ness; I was now ready for whatever He had in store. The mildly satirical summation of my mindset was as follows:

"Hey, God. I have no control over anything; You've completely got it covered. You're awesome and powerful and loving and in control and all that stuff. Mmm."

*thoughtful pause*

"So. Since I fully trust you now and everything— where exactly are we going?"

I've grown to love it.

I've also grown from it; I've seen my stumbling faithlessness and realized it takes more than that to truly hand my life over to my Creator.

And some days I feel peace about leaving my life in God's hands. Some days I worry about the future and where I'm headed. Some days I feel ready to take on the world and I wish He'd hurry up and let me in on the agenda. Some days I feel entirely inadequate for the tasks at hand.

Each and every day I feel blessed to have my life in His hands.

My God is a god who guides.

My God is a god who is in control.

My God is a god who has a perfect plan.

My God is a god who gives me everything I need.

My God is a god who knows the right timing for everything.

My God is a god who loves me despite my constant second-guessing.

My God is a god who is way more patient with me than I would be with myself.

...Thank God.

GIRLS SO STUPID.

I like feeling pretty and cherished; i think that's true of every girl. There's something about knowing that you're valued by others that gives you self-worth and confidence. Girls thrive off of this- myself included. To a certain extent there's nothing wrong with that. Its when we cant find any sense of self-worth without getting that positive attention, and when we become slaves to the admiration of others, and when our desire to feel 'loved' creates a stumbling block for others that it becomes a problem. 

Every girl knows that getting attention from most guys is as easy as wearing a low-cut shirt or short shorts. Its hard for a guy to ignore a pretty girl who is showing just a little too much skin; that's just the way guys are- that's the way their minds work. If you haven't yet come to this realization then you are: 

a) Definitely not a boy

b) Inexcusably oblivious

Lets clear something up: Im not here to bash guys in any way; they get enough grief. Men are called perverted and disgusting, constantly ridiculed for their apparent inability to keep their minds out of the proverbial gutter. Meanwhile, women dress with less and less modesty- making it nearly impossible for any men who actually desire to keep their thoughts away from sex to do so. 

Im not saying the blame should be entirely placed on women; there are certainly men in the world who are perverted pigs and disregard women and treat them as objects. This is a reality. But there are two sides to every story, and im coming out of the woodworking to tell you the one less favored. 

Here's a story sent to me the other day from a friend.
--------

STORY TIME: 

"Last night i walked down a commonly used staircase in my dorm that leads to both the laundry room and the mailboxes for every resident in the building. I live in a co-ed dorm. Before i made it to my box, my attention was arrested by a bulletin board loudly proclaiming, "Love your breasts!" There were random facts that i dont feel the need to repeat- mostly along the lines of body image and unrealistic standards created by the media, etc. And dont get me wrong, im all for women being comfortable with their bodies and loving the way God made them. What appalled me was not the informative text provided but rather the 10+ pictures of women in lingerie posted all over the board. I stood there for a long time with my mouth hanging open, fuming. In a moment of disgust i paused to cross check my fury against my logic and principle, and after a quick glance down the hall i swiftly ripped off every one of the pictures. I threw them in the recycling bin, but i left the facts on the board."

--------

Its not enough that the sunshine comes out, bringing with it the short shorts, skirts, and unnecessary amounts of skin. And im just going to put out there now that im guilty of this myself. I get it, its hot out, you're not thinking about your brothers in Christ, you're thinking about the sweat you're drenched in. But women have actually felt the need, in the midst of pretending to fight unrealistic standards, to completely objectify women. Parading pictures of half-naked women in front of every guy that wants to do laundry or check his mail this month in the name of promoting good self image? And yet we get angry with men when they stare at us. Not to mention that all this is occurring while women everywhere are crying out about the injustice of double standards. We're dangling chocolate cake in front of starving people and taking offense when they cant stop drooling.

Let me repeat myself... Women have actually felt the need, in the midst of pretending to fight unrealistic standards, to completely objectify women,

And im Furious.  

--------

To the Christ following men who may be reading this:
I commend you for the daily battle you have with lust, and i sincerely apologize for my gender's complete lack of sympathy for your struggles. Its truly inexcusable. I pray that you, my brothers in Christ, would rely on God's grace and strength to pursue holiness and live a life pleasing to he who saved us from the punishment we all deserve.

To the Christ following women who may be reading this:
I challenge you to look at the choices of your daily life- your words, your behavior, and the clothes you wear- as opportunities to uplift the body of Christ and glorify God.

--------

Romans 8:9,11 

"Take care that this right of yours does not somehow become a stumbling block to the weak... by your knowledge this weak person is destroyed, the brother for whom Christ died. Thus, sinning against your brothers and wounding their conscience when it is weak, you sin against Christ."

Galatians 5:13-25

"You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love. For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” If you bite and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other. So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit."

Happiness.

Having a savior.
Finding your musical soulmate.
Dancing in the rain.
Unexpected texts.
Finding something you thought youd lost.
New friends.
Feeling pretty.
Winning an argument.
Getting letters in the mail.
Noticing something you never had.
New clothes.
4 Dollar Juicy couture necklaces.
Singing.
My family.
Food.
Project Restoration.
Knowing that everything will be okay.

I Am The Inevitable Wanderer

If i knew where i was going next,
i wouldnt be taking so many naps,
or writing all these things,
trying to devine my future
in pillow cases
and stitched book bindings,
lost in the small decisions
of each day,
only a little bit numb.
I am the inevitable wanderer.
The girl who always says
goodbye,
but never knows
how to leave.

Contentment; Revel In Today

I think contentment is the art of looking at the present the way you look at the past and the future. We look back at the past, having let all the insignificant annoyances fall away. We imagine the future as a bright and rosy time that will have no annoyances at all. Instead of spending all your time imagining a flawless future, or wishing to get back a (supposedly) flawless past, try and look at your present circumstances in the same way. Let the dross fall away now, and be content now. It takes real discernment to be able to see what details are actually insignificant. You can’t (and you shouldn’t) pretend like the annoyances aren’t there. But you can try to see them in perspective. You can laugh at them. You can see them as the dross they are. You can decide to not let them distract you from the gold. You can decide to not let them dominate you. Because how tragic is it to go through every day, missing the beauty of the moment because you’re too busy re-imagining yesterday’s beautiful moment – and wishing for tomorrow’s beautiful moment. Try and revel in what God is giving you right this minute.

If You Do Nothing Else Today...

If you do nothing else today, i BEG you to watch this video... Lifechanging. Bring awareness to the child abductions and slaughtering in Uganda. Yes, this video is 30 minutes long.. But 30 minutes of your day is NOTHING compared to the lifes you could change. You owe it to those children to spend atleast 30 minutes of your day to help save their lives.

http://s3.amazonaws.com/kony2012/kony-4.html

Sign the pledge. Demand Justice. 

Just Stop And Think

Everything Is a Form of Worship

It's Saturday and its beautiful. The sun is beaming and the rays are bouncing off my cheeks and im able to bask in God's goodness. A word came to mind... Love. The rolling clouds, the birds chirping, and the leaves on a tree swaying is a reminder of Gods love for humanity. As i was folding my laundry and preparing breakfast, it suddenly dawned on me why the Japanese are so meticulous in their ways and do everything with precision. Since the Japanese culture consists of millions and millions of Gods, they do it out of reverence and worship to whatever they are doing. Its "karma." Then it got me thinking, how much more would Christians be like the Japanese if we truly understood that all that we have dont belong to us but are Gods? Things wouldnt be wasted so easily and hoarded. We wouldnt be so messy, but organized.. knowing that we are just pilgrims on this earth. The poor would be fed, the widows and orphans taken care of. People wouldnt be sold in exchange for money and clothes would be folded neatly. Lots of things that we've done to this earth is because we've limited our way of worshiping God. We are IGNORANT of how breathtakingly beautiful and great and awesome our God is. Today while folding laundry and making breakfast, i understood the higher purpose of things. I was able to find such delight in putting the eggs away in the right place, making them look beautiful and presentable, because it was no longer out of fear or carelessness, but truly out of acknowledging Gods presence and a form of worship to him. I no longer do it because i HAVE to, but because i GET to.

God Truly is Good

Its funny how i say i believe in a God who is good but yet i am so utterly shocked when he chooses to speak and bless me more than i can ever imagine. The statement "God is good" can be so easily used in vein, especially when its tossed around so frequently with a lack of belief. Through the Grace of God im able to taste a little of his goodness. But what does it mean to enjoy God? I realized that to not enjoy God would be because of knowing who he is and to not enjoy him and find in him, infinite pleasures. Pleasures within pleasures forever.
Ultimately the root of all sin is the disbelief, ignorance, and even the incapability of grasping how magnificent, gracious, and wonderfully beautiful he is.
This God calls me BELOVED.
This God awakened my senses and is continually doing so through his presence.
This God chose me before the foundation of the world.
This God raised me to life.
This God is jealous for my heart.
This God gives me identity, value, worth, hope a future, an abundant life, restoration, and healing.
This God makes me shine like the stars.
This God loved me so much he bore my sin on the cross.
Because of Jesus i am INFINITELY FORGIVEN. I am welcomed into eternity with him. I am sanctified. Im called to a higher calling. I am a daughter. I am complete. I no longer have the attitude of i have to but i GET to, do things for him. I get to walk with him. I get to talk to him. I get to see what he sees. I get to do what he does. I get to be a part of his infinite and glorious plan. I get to speak for him. I get to be like him to others. I GET TO BE PERSECUTED FOR HIM.
Who gets to?!? ONLY THOSE THAT ARE INFINITELY BLESSED AND FAVORED BY THE MOST HIGH GOD! US!
How crazy is that?
It is NOT through my performance but on his infinite grace. He cannot love me less or love me more, because i am not saved by what i do in the first place.
God seriously, youre the best.

What If?

What if we worshiped God simply because he is good? what if we spent time with God simply because he loves us? What if we stopped trying to better ourselves as believers and simply accepted that we're made righteous by the cross and not our own works? What if we, as believers, stopped pretending to be sinners and woke up to the reality that we're righteous? So many questions running through my mind right now...

We Are Dust.

Have you ever looked at yourself, and just thought- this is me? Looked at your body, seen your rib cage, and thought about the lungs behind it, then about your heart, and all the organs keeping you alive? and your brain just goes so deep into thought that you get lost in your own brain. looked at your hands and thought about every little crease? about how you shiver when you're cold? Have you just sat and pondered about life? Have you ever thought about how small you are on this huge earth? About how many people are thinking the exact same thing as you at the exact Same second? Wondered how many people are dying from starvation in a third world country while someone here is buying their 10th pair of miss me jeans? Thought about what that starving child thinks about us? Have you wondered who you'll become, and what's in store for you? Have you questioned if you'll live long enough to have a family of your own? Have you ever thought about how in a couple generations.. You could just be a name in a family tree? Or have you thought about how your legend could continue on? And have you thought about how that's your choice? Have you thought about how you started as dust and will return to dust?

Oftentimes ill have so much on my mind that i feel like my head is split into a million directions, and i cant seem to follow them all, so my brain just stops... Goes into lockdown mode. My thoughts tend to get overwhelming, and then that leaves me with this hopeless feeling... thinking that no matter how hard i try ill never be able to comprehend much of anything. Sometimes i feel like a hopeless cause.

And Sometimes I can't help but feel like a no name face in no where land. A speck of dust on a road map. Theres so many people in the world, and I often just see myself as a number. I can't help but see the hurt in the world and the death in young people and question God. I can't help but look at someone and think so deeply into who they may be, even passing someone on the highway, I'll often times be curious who they are and where they're headed. What's going on in their life and if I could help. Thinking about how every single person everywhere has a story.

I spend alot of time thinking. Thinking about this world and the people in it. And i guess those are good things to think about... But i also spend a lot of time counting time. I spend my weekdays counting down to the weekend. I spend my Daytimes counting Down to the night time. I spend my minutes counting down to a new hour. Actually, I spend all of my time counting time, wasting time, And I don't want to anymore. When I think about all that I could accomplish in the time I'm counting time, I could overcome almost all of my fears. If I stopped counting life, I could live it.. Trusting God with few fears.

We look around us and see horrible things. You turn on the news and hear such sad and disturbing things, and along with that it's easy to convince ourselves that there's no beauty left out there. But we have to continue to see the beauty through the chaos. Be soft, don't let the world make you hard. Don't let the pain make you hate. Don't let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still see it as a beautiful place.

Sometimes the only way to stay human is to remember... that we are dust.

Psalm 103: 14- 18
For he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust. The life of mortals is like grass,  they flourish like a flower of the field; the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more. But from everlasting to everlasting the LORD’s love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children’s children—with those who keep his covenant and remember to obey his precepts.

Convicted

When i was sinking down, sinking down, sinking down;
when i was sinking down, sinking down;
when i was sinking down beneath Gods righteous frown,
Christ laid aside his crown for my soul, for my soul;
Christ laid aside his crown for my soul.

For lent i wanted to convict myself this year. I decided that i needed to hold myself more accountable; to a higher standard and keep it there. To stop TALKING about making sacrifices for God and start LIVING out an example of that in my life. But everytime i thought about convicting myself, putting myself up to that sacrifice, i quickly brushed it off. Finally God did the convicting, He brought me to a conclusion that if i was putting up that much of a fuss over the little things, then how was he ever going to be able to use me for the big things? I decided i needed to find something to give up. I started small.. I thought about giving up soda, but then i realized if anything i was just using that as an easy way out, as i was already giving up caffeine for health reasons. I slowly made my way up the list. I got as high as facebook and pinterest. immediately i brushed those off. I wasnt willing to sacrifice those things for that long... who was i kidding? I mean really, "No reason to be an over achiever," I thought to myself. Then i actually processed what i had just said... "NO REASON TO BE AN OVERACHIEVER."
Had i really just said that about making sacrifices for my Lord who DIED for me and my sins?
"No reason to be an overachiever." I said it again.
I became disgusted with myself. At that point i realized that if those were things i didnt want to give up then i needed to, because its not a sacrifice if you dont mind giving it up or youre comfortable doing so. I came to the conclusion, without putting too much more thought into it. I puffed out my chest and stood tall (figuratively, of course). I appeared big and strong in this choice, but really on the inside i was scared, intimidated, unsure... to whether or not i could rise to the challenge. Then i told my parents about my goal. My moms jaw dropped and my dad burst out in laughter "Yeah right!" he said as he and Adam started placing bets on how long id make it. My mom eventually shouts "Enough! Thats not fair to her, i think she can do it! If Anna can give up facebook and pinterest.... ill give up solitaire." Every single person at the tables jaw drops, including mine.
"wat." Adam says after a few seconds, and my dad lets out one more snarky remark "What are you gonna do with your extra six hours a day?" (Believe it or not thats a pretty accurate time)
"Oh hush!" she remarked as she smacked his arm.
I was still focusing on the fact that my dad and brother really didnt believe in me. Something inside me- maybe my confidence, or my hopes- were just crushed. I felt deflated. They were all still joking and making fun of my moms solitaire addiction...
"Do you really not think that i can do it?"
"Well, i just feel like youre setting yourself up for failure.. i think you need to start small and maybe think of something not as hard.. Facebook and pinterest will take alot of will power."
i thought, Oh so now hes saying that i dont have will power? I was almost angry at this point, although, it was too true a statement.
You see, i can take people making fun of who i am or how i look or how i act, but when i take a blow to my character, i just fall apart.
Steam was building up inside of me. I felt like popeye in those old cartoons, just bracing myself to erupt.
Their conversations went on, but i was sitting there silently, thinking. I looked up, "watch me."

I always take peoples doubt in me as a challenge.
I DO have the will power.
Im NOT starting small.
Im NOT giving up.
And most importantly im NOT denying this undeniable love and conviction that im overwhelmed with by God.

I know my Dads intentions were good, and i cant help but wonder if hes doing all of this just so ill take it seriously, maybe see it as a challenge.

Im sacrificing because i love Jesus. I love what he did for little undeserving me. Ive heard "You're insane" Alot in the past few days... maybe i am, insanely in love with The King of Kings, Prince of Peace, Lord of Lords, Messiah, Savior, Jehovah, Almighty, Ancient of days, Author of life, Comforter, Deliverer, Counselor, Creator, Shepherd, Hope, I am, Light of the world, Lord of all, Omega, The one true love and truth. How could i not be?

This is what it comes down to... anything youre not willing to give up for him, is above him in your mind. Anything your not willing to give up is an IDOL. Cast it away.

He sacrificed his life, i think i can sacrifice Facebook and pinterest for 40 days.